Diagnóstico general de la calidad del aire

(I would have liked to classify the following in some way, but after

long hours of thought I came to the1 conclusion that it was impossi­

ble. The bits that I group under the general heading of Miscellan­ eous Patter are all situation gags. They have to be used at a certain time in your routine for their maximum effectiveness. If you are supposed to be a comedian, you must never drop out of character. No matter what you do or what has happened to you, a funny remark must be the result. Therefore, pay spccial attention to the following pattei' bits for while the comedy routines are the basic stock of your act these scraps are the polish that makes it shine.)

In countless effects you are called upon to invoke the aid of the supernatural. Use this line instead of the stock hokum: “And now I’ll summon the spirits to aid me — Calverts, Three Feathers, Schenleys, Hague

&

In presenting a card effect say, “My next trick requires 52 pieces of apparatus,” then take out your deck of cards. As a follow up you may say, “I want to be sure there are 52 cards here.” Hold the deck to your ear and riffle once with your thumb. Take one of the cards out and throw it away as you say, “Nope, fifty-three.” Now as you fan the cards for a spectator to take one ask him, “Do you know one card from another?” He will claim he does so ask him, “What’s the other?”

As an assistant from the audience is leaving the stage ask him, “Do you drink?” If he says yes then follow up with, “Well, here are some straws,” and produce two straws from your vest pocket.

Occasionally somebody from the audience begins asking embar­ rassing questions that you cannot help but acknowledge. An easy way to laugh it off is to answer, “That’s a reasonable question, and

it deserves a reasonable answer. Too bad I can’t think of one.” I found out thouigh the funnier your patter, the less the audience cares about how you do the trick.

While doing manipulations declare, “I want to call attention to the fact that at no time do my fingers leave my hands.”

After an exceptionaly good laugh — “I should be on the stage.” If you are working before a particularly cold audience wake them up with — “What is this? A cemetery with neon lights? . . . . I know there are people out there. I can hear you breathing.” . . . .

If you do rope tricks I think you will like Frank Kelly’s open­ ing. Come out on the stage holding a card case in your hand and begin. “As a magician, I am going to try to fool you at every opportunity, so I am warning you now lo watch me very closely. For my first effect, I am going to do a --- rope trick.” While you are talking, hold the card case in your hand and as you begin the second sentence start lo open it. As you reach the pause in your patter, dig your fingers into the box and as you say “rope trick” draw a piece of rope from the case. Smile at the audience and quip, “See, I’ve fooled you already.” The spectators, confident that you will draw a pack of cards from the case, will enjoy this quickie immensely.

As an alternate rope opening you may come out 011 the stage

holding a piece of rope in your hand. Look at it and say, “I’ve been carrying this rope for two hours now. I can’t decide whether I found a piece of rope or lost a cow.”

In the middle of a routine stop and say, “I’ll bet, when I first came out here, you thought I was going to be lousy.”

How to treat applause is an art in itself. If you wish to increase the volume of the applause you’ve been getting, be positive in your movements. When you end a trick end it with a snap and then step forward and bow. You’d be surprised what a harvest of ap­ plause this will bring in comparison to a rather uncertain smile at the conclusion of an effect. A lot of laughs can be garnered from the vagaries of an audience’s applause. Occasionally, after a joke one person will burst into hand-clapping. Always greet this indi­ vidual with the words, “Thanks mother.” If only a few applaud, “Thank you—both of you.” If a gag receives a really good hand beam a bright smile at your audience and comment, “I admire your taste.” This may be alternated with putting up your hand as a round of applause begins and saying, “Don’t applaud—I deserve it.” It’s good old golden bantam but it still reaps laughs.

At New Year’s shows or parties somebody with a horn will occasionally break up your act by blowing it while you are per­ forming. Caution him, “Don’t blow that horn, you’ll show up the orchestra.”

If a fat lady in your audience is enjoying your gags and her laughter is calling attention to herself, quip, “I love to see her laugh — so much of her has a good time.”

If a member of your audience is giving you a little trouble by his ceaseless talking, call out to him, “I’m sorry I wras making so much noise —I didn’t quite catch what you were saying.2’ (Walter

Coleman uses this effectively in all his shows.)

If you are exceptionally tired and show it, remark, “I was so tired last night I fell asleep in the bath-tub with the water running. Good thing I always sleep with my mouth open or it would have overflowed” ...Or as an alternative, “My valet quit this morning and I am so fatigued—I took a bath and didn’t have anyone to push my boat back to me in the tub.”

When someone in the audience ostentatiously leaves while you are in the midst of your act say, “I’d better work faster, they’re walking out on me . . . . Don’t leave now — I get better as I go along . . . . Remember, I never forget a back . . . . (If he keeps going) All-right, as the landlady said when the boarder left her house, “Go—and never darken my bath-tub again!’ ”

If an assistant from the audience is a bald-headed gentleman comment, “Boy, that’s what I call a head of skin . . . . He must have gotten caught in a hair raid . . . . Well, hair today and gone tomorrow.” (This also may be used on a heckler possessing a shiny pate.)

If you produce a rabbit in any wrav tell this little story: Do you see this rabbit? I found him in a very strange manner. One day I opened my refrigerator and found him sitting comfortably inside eating a carrot. “And what might you be doing in there?” I asked. “Doesn’t it say WESTINGHOUSE on the outside of this icebox?” he replied. Well, I’se westing!”

If you are suffering from a cold, explain it in either of these two ways. “I caught an awful chill at a burlesque show the other night. The guy in back of me kept yelling, Take it off! Take it off!’ and I couldn’t disappoint him.” OR “I’ve got a terrible cold. I took a bath the other day naked . . . . I usually take them wearing my long winter underwear but I couldn’t do that this time— they weren’t dirty.”

If you are suffering from a toothache: “When I was a kid I never.even moved when the dentist pulled a tooth. But I’d look silly in a straight-jacket and chains now . . . . Every time I go to him now he gives me mustard gas. He says it goes well with ham.”

If you arc in need of a shave excuse yourself in this manner: “I was going to get a shave before I came on but the barber shops around here are really awful. I went to one the other day and they had a sign saying ‘Shaves 15 and 25c!’ So I asked the barber what the difference was between the fifteen and the twenty-five cent shaves. He said, ‘With the twenty-five cent shave we give you bandages!’ ... I ordered the fifteen cent shave and asked him for a razor — I figured at least I could defend myself.”

If you are still using either Framed or Rabbit-Rise here is a good opening for it: “This picture was handed down to me by my grandfather — he was still on the ladder when the police came . . . . He said he was a painter and that he specialized in painting women — but I didn’t think he meant on rest room doors

But we finally found a place for this picture — the only trouble is, it won’t match the tile.”

THE printing of this little verse

Will keep this book from getting worse For if I went on you would curse— Perhaps I’d wind up in a hearse. I’ve told you all the gags I know, And so I think I’d better blow; About my jokes I will not crow, I only hope they bring me dough. And if you use them wisely too, Your patter worries will be through; Your audiences won’t be blue — Your creditors won’t try to sue.

You’ll finally leave that well-known stew And mighty feats you then will do; Until that day will come to you, When I’ll come up and borrow two.