Many of the ideas we’ve covered so far both apply to dealing with changing yourself, and applying the Golden Rule to your interactions with other people, regardless of whether or not those people are trying to live by the Golden Rule themselves. But now we’re going to be getting into methods of interacting with others of like-mind.
Working with others gives you more opportunity to see your true self. Let’s assume you want to see things about yourself that are impediments to being unselfishly loving (so you can change yourself). Since the selfish side of you doesn’t want to be “exposed” in the light of truth, it “tricks” you into avoiding seeing your own problems. But others can often see the problems/blocks you have, that you can’t (or try not to) see. So you can ask them to bring things up to you that they see about you, and give you feedback/criticism. That gives you far more opportunity to change.
Working with others whom you’ve asked to help you change (and who have asked you to help them change), is like standing in a room full of mirrors naked (in the mental/emotional/spiritual sense). Of course, when other people are not purely unselfishly loving, they are going to be “reflecting” you back to yourself inaccurately to varying degrees, because their own selfishly based problems “distort” their perception. It can also taint their motives. This is where it gets tricky. A reflection of you and your behavior is still there, but you have to discern the true reflection from the “distortion”. Also, your selfish side is going to want to ignore the true reflection in what they are bringing up to you. And if you aren’t careful, you can end up ignoring true constructive criticism, by “rationalizing” that it is distorted information coming from someone’s own bias or agenda. To help you with that problem, this workbook contains specific methods to help clarify the process, and maximize your growth potential.
Shared Ideals & Goals
Working closely with others who share the same ideals and goals as you, provides far greater opportunity for developing your unselfish love. If you really want to make faster, more profound progress, doing it with the help of others is much better than doing it alone. That also applies to accomplishing things as a group.
For example, if you have a car with a wheel stuck in a ditch, 7 people trying to lift it out of the ditch separately, one at at time, won’t get anywhere. But 7 people focusing their energy on the same thing, at the same time (like all 7 lifting one end of the car at the same time), can lift the car’s wheel right out of the ditch (or they can push the car out together). It works the same way with other goals.
If you get excited about what the Golden Rule can mean in your life, and to others, you’ll naturally want others to discover the beauty of the Golden Rule too, especially your loved ones. You can use the Golden Rule interpersonal development methods outlined in this book with anyone who shares your goals and ideals. But because it requires cooperation, whomever you hope to work with needs to feel the same way you do about spirituality. For instance, if you believe that living by the Golden Rule is a priority, and they don’t, then they won’t really want to change. Even if someone agrees to “go along” with you, if they don’t really have the heart-felt commitment, it won’t work out. In that case, all you can do is work on yourself by yourself, or find others of like-mind to work within Golden Rule study groups, or church groups.
If your friends and family don’t feel the same way as you, keep in mind that a good example is far more effective than “preaching” to them. Also remember... YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. And if you do change and become more unselfishly loving, and consistently apply that in your life, you will be setting an example that will affect those around you, and give them a positive opportunity to change. That’s the best anyone can do. And some people may accept that and appreciate it, and others may reject it. It just depends on what kind of person they are inside.
Study Groups/Clubs vs. Living Together
There are actually two different basic ways to work with other people towards applying the Golden Rule.
One way is the study group/club type of situation, in which people just get together to meet and have group activities periodically.
The other way, is working with people you actually live with. Working with those you live with is more of an “intensive” situation and thus affords more opportunity for growth, more rapid growth, and can be more fulfilling.
Living with people who are dedicated to applying the Golden Rule can include a spouse/family type situation, a roommate arrangement (where a number of like-minded individuals split/share housing), or both. We’ll call both living with a spouse/family that has the same ideals/goals as you (applying the Golden Rule), or living with unrelated people who have the same shared ideals/goals, “Intentional Roommating”. Since spousal relationships are a bit more complex, there’s a special section of the workbook about that, after the “Intentional Roomating” section below.
Intentional Roommating
There’s nothing as beneficial as living and working together with others who are also working on applying the Golden Rule in their lives too. It affords the greatest opportunity for forging yourself into an unselfishly loving person (YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU). If you are only able to work together with one other person, that’s great. But if you can work with more than one person, that’s even better because it affords more feedback, more variables, and thus more opportunities for you to grow and develop your unselfish love. Regardless of how many other people you’re working with, all your ideals, your intentions, your true degree of humility and unselfish love, get put to the test in such situations.
As we said earlier, giving to those who would selfishly take can actually be detrimental (because you might be making things worse for them). For instance, doing something apparently good like being charitable and giving money to some homeless person isn’t really helping them if that person is going to use it to buy drugs (in fact, you’d be contributing to harming them). So you need “safe ground” to practice your giving. If you have a spouse, family, friend(s), group or club who are all agreeing to live by the same
standards, you have the potential for “safe ground” to an extent. You can create a controlled situation, in
which you are each agreeing to fully apply the Golden Rule, with each other. You can then freely give, receive, and express feelings and thoughts with each other.
Being “Used”, or Utilizing Yourself
Once you decide your purpose is to give, to care, to help others, and you have found a situation in which you can do so - consider giving all you can. Consider doing all you can. The greatest people who have ever lived on this planet, dedicated whatever skills, energy, abilities, effort, talents, assets, sweat, time and toil they were capable of giving - all to help others. Self-sacrifice was their gift of unselfish love.
I have heard people talk about being “used”, or being “taken advantage of”. Certainly, if someone is using you just for their own selfish gain, and it is actually detrimental to lend your self and your energies to them, don’t do so. But if your spouse, family, or friends, are of like-mind, and dedicated to working on developing and applying unselfish love themselves, then you should look at what you can contribute to the whole as the wonderful opportunity it is. Personally, I am always being “used” by others. I want to give of my abilities, energy and time, in the service of God. I am happy to give all I can to help others find God and Inner Peace themselves - by helping them become more loving. It is often hard and thankless work, but what am I here for? Am I here to get, or to give? To accumulate wealth or material possessions just for myself, or to be better able to help others. Am I here to be loved, or to love? For me and mine, I say, I want to be “used”. I will utilize all I have in that service. It is my constant desire to be an instrument of God’s will. But that’s just me, and my choice. You must make your own. But it wouldn’t hurt to ask yourself the same questions.
From St. Francis of Assisi -
“Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow Love Where there is injury, let me sow pardon Where there is doubt, let me sow faith Where there is despair, let me sow hope Where there is darkness, let me sow light Where there is sadness, let me sow joy Oh divine Master
Grant that I seek not so much to be consoled, as to console. To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to Love For it is giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it is in dying that we are born unto Eternal Life.”
If they get along well enough, unrelated intentional roommates can even become like a sort of extended family, because of their shared ideals and caring for each other.
Such a situation may sound wonderful at first consideration, and it certainly can be, but it takes work, dedication, and commitment. It’s not just a “hearts & roses” affair. More like a path of roses - flowers, thorns, flowers, thorns, flowers.
Like any challenge, it can sometimes get difficult. Depending on “where you’re at” within yourself, you can experience such interaction as wonderful, or horrible. The reason for this is simple. The “spiritual side” of people really likes the support, nurturing and empowerment of such interactions with others. But the “selfish side” hates the giving, the constructive criticism (because it “exposes” its tricks and games), and the loss of its control over you. This is where things like absolute commitment become invaluable. But your attitude is perhaps even more important, because that affects what kind of thoughts get generated. Attitude affects everything, including the way you approach your tasks and growth, and what you accomplish. I have a friend who takes dips in frozen ponds in the middle of winter. He loves it! But he only loves it because he has that attitude towards it. To someone else, that would be a hellish experience. And if they were told they had to do it, or should do it, but had a negative attitude towards it, it would be a nightmare. Change
the attitude, and you change your experience, and thus your life.
So when dealing with other people, having a humble attitude towards being criticized, and a tolerant attitude towards them (rather than being prideful, inflexible, or arrogant), makes a huge difference. As does caring more about the trials and needs of others, rather than focusing on your own (remember the 12 foot spoons!). In fact, when you are thinking about others, or caring for the needs of others, your mind isn’t on yourself. You only experience your own misery, issues and problems when you are thinking about
yourself. In fact, recent studies show that when there is a disaster of some kind, the disaster victims who
focus on helping others, suffer far less traumatic psychological damage. “Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”- John Watson
Interpersonal Relationships
When people get together, interpersonal problems almost always arise. The closer they live together and the more they interrelate with each other, the more problems can arise. That’s one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. Hitch two average selfish people closely together (especially if they don’t have the same ideals), and you have a good potential for future relationship problems. The same with friends or roommates. You may get along if you don’t see each other too often, or place demands on each other, but if you “cross certain lines”, sparks can fly. Normally, when people rent a room and become roommates, they set all kinds of spoken and unspoken “boundaries” to prevent/minimize interpersonal problems arising. But in a shared ideal Golden Rule intentional roommate situation (whether that means a spouse, or unrelated friends), the point is to develop and try to practice Pure love. Thus GR intentional roommates actually want to deliberately cross boundaries and offer constructive criticism for the purposes of “routing out” selfishness and developing unselfish love. That can get intense. All kinds of emotions can arise - anger, resentments, envy, jealousy, etc.. Buried emotional issues and scars from past relationships, even child abuse, might emerge from repression and need to be dealt with. But that’s all part of changing and healing.
As strange as it seems, attempting to really apply the Golden Rule, can at first be even more chaotic and tumultuous. It can even get a bit like being in the trenches of a war zone. If you aren’t perfect, and they aren’t perfect, what can you expect? Even if you are working on becoming unselfishly loving (and so are others you’re working with), what can you expect? The fact that you’re working on being unselfishly loving, means you aren’t yet. But here’s the thing: The greatest amount of true spiritual growth comes from getting down “in the trenches” with others - that means getting criticism, giving criticism (and dealing with backlash & defensiveness), having conflicts with others arise that challenge your unselfish love, and dealing with these issues correctly and lovingly. You might want to read that again, because it is about the essence of real spirituality, and where the bulk of spiritual work and growth take place.
Later, we talk more about positive ways to help you interact and accomplish that, but let’s start with written interpersonal commitment statements.
Interpersonal Commitment Statements
These are similar to the personal commitment ideal and goals statements we covered earlier, but they’re for defining and “grounding out” your goals and commitments for working with others of like-mind.
I suppose you could compare them to oaths or marriage vows in a way, but they are frequently referred to and used as part of the overall Golden Rule interpersonal groupwork program.
On page 72 of your Personal Declarations section, you will find the GR Interpersonal Commitment Statement. Fill it out, and sign it.