Commitment and Determination
“The simplest and shortest ethical precept is to be served by others as little as possible, and to serve others as much as possible.”- Leo Tolstoy
The Worst Addiction Problem in the World
Many substance abusers are trying to avoid aspects of their life that they find unpleasant. It can just be a diversion away from being miserable, bored or that emptiness inside that comes from living a fruitless selfish life, rather than a fruitful giving one. Also, people have often turned to drinking or other drugs, after losing someone in their life, losing a job, a business, etc.. But there is a “root” addiction behind all of that which is far worse than you can imagine - and everyone has it.
Earlier we mentioned how selfishness is the real source of all negative traits, such as greed. Selfishness is also the real source and cause of all addictions. But I’m not just talking about the addictions that usually come to mind when you use the word - like drugs, gambling, sex, etc..
What Addictions?
What is the selfish-side of yourself addicted to? Many things. It varies from person to person, but it often includes getting attention, pleasure, possessions (including people), certain diversions and “fun” that it likes, cars, homes, money, etc.. But those are all just branches again, branches of getting its way (which amounts to getting its drug “fix”). It basically wants everything it wants, and it wants everything its way. It’s addicted to THAT. You can define it further of course. It is specifically addicted not only to things you desire and want to possess, but it involves the “flip side” of that (those things you fear, don’t want to face, don’t want to let go of, or deal with). Everything you want, or want to avoid, are all aspects of the same “selfish-side addiction”. Whatever the selfish-side wants, it wants, whatever it doesn’t want, it doesn’t want.
You should always keep in mind that there is a primary purpose behind all of the selfish-side self’s addictions - staying in control of you, and maintaining the illusion of being a separate entity. So to the selfish self, maintaining its addictions means nothing less than “staying alive”, even though it is just an insane confused illusion. But to it, it is fighting for its life, and if you are trying to put your “spiritual-side self” in control, you need to be aware of how serious a battle this is.
Realizing that Your “selfish-side self” is an Addict
Are you ready for the staggering truth? Selfishness is, in and of itself, the biggest single “addiction” in the world. And as shocking as it may be, everyone has that addiction, including you. Anytime you get the least bit unhappy, irritated, negative, etc., just because you don’t get what you want or you must face/do something you don’t want to deal with, it is the result of that selfishness addiction. And this addiction isn’t just an “escape” into a drug stupor. Selfish-side addiction can cause anything from the destruction of a relationship, to a war!
It’s easiest to observe the manifestations of selfish addiction in children, because they are less complex and not yet sophisticated in the ways of cloaking their addiction. How many times have you seen a child get upset because of not getting what they want, or having to do something they don’t want to do. Have you ever seen them get so angry over this, that they will deliberately break a toy, ruin a good time, or try to hurt someone else in some way? This doesn’t go away with maturity, it merely gets more complicated and disguised with a myriad of games - and the actions get far more serious.
Let it Be?
Why not just pacify the selfish-side? Let it be an “addict”? Why not let it continue to have what it wants, and avoid what it doesn’t want to deal with? There are a number of reasons not to do that, and reasons why it doesn’t work. Have you ever seen the results of pacifying the negative behavior of a child. It reinforces the bad behavior, makes it worse, and it comes back with a vengeance.
Selfish-side addiction is never satisfied. It will never be happy just giving it what it wants. It always wants more. Again, if you’ve had children, you can see it easily in their behavior. So you will never be happy as long as it is in control of your life.
Next, selfishness is the source of negativity. It’s “anti” Golden Rule. For instance, when things don’t go the way someone wants them to, and they get “upset and negative” what happens? Unselfish love flies out the window, and negative selfish traits fly in. They start behaving in ways that are unkind, unloving, and can be mean, greedy, harmful, etc.. They end up miserable, and those they deal with are hurt too. Not a good bargain as I see it.
To give another subtle example of this sort of thing, imagine that someone is tapping a pencil on a table. You find it annoying. Inside, you get perturbed, and that negative emotion replaces feelings of caring for or about that person. Put it into perspective - what is the most important issue in that scenario, that the person is doing something annoying, or that you are losing your unselfish love to some degree?
That is an example of a subtle, minor incident, which there are many of. But there are bigger ones too. Like your son denting your car. Or a robbery. Or... But if you think about it all the way through, is
there any reason good enough to stop unselfishly loving? Not in our opinion. Why? In all circumstances,
regardless of how atrocious something is, losing your unselfish love only makes things worse. It never makes it better. Whereas, maintaining your unselfish love at least affords opportunities for things to go better. You can still take disciplinary action and be unselfishly loving. But if you take action while feeling or thinking negatively, it will have some measure of destructive consequences.
Working on living by the Golden Rule requires taking up that challenge of breaking the “selfishness addiction”. A person can’t be unselfishly loving, and selfish at the same time.
Therapy - Treating Yourself for Selfish Addictions
I don’t know how many of you are familiar with that old children’s story of “The Little Train that Could”, but it’s a great example of determination and commitment. The train would say “I think I can I think I can” as it labored up an incredibly difficult hill. And it finally made it. The point is, YOUCAN CHANGE yourself. All it primarily takes is REALLY WANTING to. Most people don’t really “get” that, (even though they may think they do). Once you decide what it is you want in life, and how you want to be, you can start taking the measures to change yourself, step-by-step - and no one can stop you but you. And therein lies the first key, DECIDING. DECIDING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT.
Deciding What You Really Want
Start by thinking about and defining what kind of world you want to live in. Then think about how
you want to be. Those two things are inseparable. How you are, will eventually determine the kind of
world you live in. Once you ponder all that, you must make a firm decision, and commitment to making it happen, or you’ll just be living like a jellyfish in the tides.
Behaving like a Recovering Addict
Recovering drug addicts, and other kinds of addicts, understand how valuable deciding what they really want to be like is, and how it can determine what kind of personal world they end up living in. They also know the value of determination and commitment. It can be very hard to break free from an addiction. But those who are “on the wagon” have learned that first wanting to break the addiction, then making an
absolute decision to do it, and then having absolute determination and commitment to change, are the
big keys in accomplishing a change. In fact, how hard it is to break the addiction, is tied to the real desire and “wanting” to change. I’ve seen many people “try” to quit smoking, who didn’t really want to. They usually fail. But people who really decide inside themselves, that they want to quit, usually quit.
Seeing the Selfish-Side Self as an Addict
Seeing the selfish-side of your self as an addict, can actually help you deal with it. Just treat your own selfish self like it was a drug addict. You can even learn things about this from various “12 step programs”. You first have to see and admit that you have a problem. Then you have to want to break the addiction and change, and really decide to change. Next, define the problem, and come up with a strategy to take control and beat it. The strategy can include being open and honest with others about your problem, getting a support group, and asking for help if you feel yourself slipping. But you must above all, make an absolute commitment to change, that you are determined not to break.
Make a Workbook List of Your Addiction Issues
So our next workbook task is to make a list of our selfish-side “addict” desire & fear issues. You’ll find the forms for this on pages 63 & 64. After reading this paragraph, you can fill them out right away. Really give it some thought though. What kinds of things impede you from living by the Golden Rule all the time? What kinds of things can cause you to lose your feelings of compassion, caring, giving, sharing - in other words, what can negatively impact your unselfish love? Not everything does. You can have money, attachments, etc., and not have it affect your love. But what if they do? You can also do things you don’t like to do, and not have it affect your love. But what if they do? If losing anything, or having to deal with
anything, does cause you to lose your love, you have an addiction problem that negatively controls you. Those are the things you need to be aware of, and will need to deal with if you want to really live by the Golden Rule all the time. This list will just help you identify potential problems, so you can be aware of what you may need or want to work on (make extra copies of those pages if there isn’t enough room to cover all your issues).