Distintas etapas

child’s needs, her own needs, her partner’s, household and many other responsibilities. Adjusting to ‘confinement and lacking uninterrupted time and freedom to pursue personal interests’ (De Judicibus & McCabe, 2002:95) is difficult for many women to practice or accept. Therefore, the nature of social support gained through relationships with the new mother’s partner, family, friends, other mothers and health professionals is crucial, increasing the new mother’s confidence and reducing emotional and physical stress (Price, 1988; Barclay et al., 1996; Arnold-Baker, 2014).

It can take some time to renegotiate relationships and incorporate a new sense of self as a mother (Barclays et al., 1996). Eventually most women are able to ‘tune in’ to their babies, gaining experience and confidence in how to be a mother. Arnold-Baker (2014:170) underlined that for the mothers in her research described, ‘their real learning about how to mother as coming from their experience and interactions with their babies’.

2.6 The Personal Dimension of Existence

Becoming a mother is more than a revival of ourselves, it is a living on through our children. Becoming a mother shows, perhaps, the possibility of renewed life through birth, not only of our children but of ourselves. Is it possible that as a woman becomes a mother she can

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truly become herself? (Bergum, 1989:38)

Bergum (1989), in her book, explores how a woman experiences changes within herself through living as a mother. In a chapter called 'One for Another: The transformative Sense of Responsibility' (p.83) she suggests that to become a mother involves responsibility, responsibility for the birth and life of another person, the child. Bergum (1989) argues that a woman is transformed by a sense of responsibility for her child, for her child’s survival and well-being, for the rest of her life. Through this sense of responsibility, a woman is thrown into a renewed attention to how she should live: ‘What has been a self-regulated, self-defined, and self-contained life is now suddenly broken by the experience of the Other, the child’ (Bergum, 1989:84).

She considers questions like, ‘How does a woman come to live as a mother – for her child- and yet for herself?’ (p.85).

The sense of responsibility becomes divided and at the same time united responsibility for the baby and responsibility for herself. In prioritizing the responsibility for her baby’s needs, there is a feeling of losing herself and the experience of self as a woman can become blurred (Ibid.). Bergum (1989) refers to the word “Responsibility” (from Latin respondere or “to promise in return”) as a mother responding to the presence of the child (also see Stadlen, 2004) with the promise, as I argue, to accept responsibility for

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taking care of the child. She goes on to cite Olson’s (1986) dictum that ‘No longer are we are acting only for ourselves – we are ‘one for the other’

(Bergum, 1989:85).

Within a motherhood role, the attempt to balance connectedness and separateness, to balance a mother’s own needs with the needs of the child, creates the sense of personal crisis which threatens a woman’s sense of self.

When the ‘ethics of care become the ethics of self-sacrifice, with the focus on giving and not replenishing, the definition of self becomes blurry (Barlow

& Cairns, 1997:241).

Arnold-Baker (2014) identified a theme called ‘Adopting a Motherhood Identity’ where she found women experience changes in relating to themselves when becoming mothers. She highlighted that some mothers reported feeling a loss of self, which goes in line with a number of other researchers (see Barclay et.al., 1997; Weaver & Ussher, 1997; Vick &

Hafting, 2012). However, other mothers described, not a loss, but a reorganization and transformation of self-identity (Arnold-Baker, 2014;

Stadlen, 2004; Bergum, 1989).

Stadlen (2004) points out how mothers themselves often say that becoming a mother has not only changed their lives but changed their actual selves. As mothers they now have to share the space and time of their ‘being’ with their

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babies, not only sharing but mostly prioritizing their baby’s interests and needs, this sharing, this new relationship, ‘[…] calls into question many aspects of herself’ (Stadlen, 2004:186).

Sevon (2009) surmises that mothering is an ethical disposition wherein caring for a baby invokes specific kinds of emotionality and morality. She pointed out that motherhood involves questions of responsibility, dependency, obligations, rights, ideals, principles, aims and authority, which are ethical by their very nature (also see Sevenhuijsen, 1998). Sevon (2009) further argues that early motherhood and caring for the baby involves a moral ambiguity, which is related to questions of responsibility and vulnerability. On a daily basis, mothers are suddenly confronted with questions and choice regarding how to understand and be responsive to their babies’ feelings, needs and wellbeing. The sense of total responsibility and their ability to fulfill this responsibility triggered vulnerability in mother's evaluation of themselves as good, committed, caring mothers. Sevon (2009:76) goes on to suggest that ‘Early motherhood is the beginning of a process towards agency that takes seriously the presence, dependency and needs of the other, the baby’.

Hartley (2005) identified a theme entitled 'The baby filled their vision’

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describing how mothers retained a feeling of overall responsibility for their babies. She reported mothers describing feelings of ‘isolation’ and

‘ambivalence’ when trying to come to terms with the dramatic changes brought by their new ‘mother’ identity. Women in her study reported that motherhood was experienced as something from which they could not

‘escape’ – even when they were absent from the baby, they always carried the responsibility of their child’s welfare with them.

Arnold-Baker (2014:114) also addressed how new mothers' new identities are conceived and changed through re-evaluating values and priorities now as mothers. She spoke about how women, when becoming mothers, re-evaluated their values and priorities in life, ‘[…] what was once important to her now fades into the background’. A new identity as ‘a mother’ involved new choices in life, which impacted upon the mothers' sense of self:

Motherhood challenges the re-evaluation and re-construction of women’s values and expectations of themselves; their needs and dreams now as mothers may be different than before motherhood, and the whole ‘being-in-the-world’ is reconstructed. Even thoughts of how in control she is of her life are questioned. From an existential perspective motherhood has an impact on the mother’s values, beliefs,

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expectations, motivation, meaning and purpose in life.

A number of studies indicate how new mothers describe the perinatal period as a paradox in which they are happy to be mothers and simultaneously unhappy due to the losses resulting from the new situation: losses of autonomy and time, appearance, femininity and occupational identity (Nicolson, 1999; Aiken, 2000, Vick and Hafting, 2012). Sethi (1995) describes this as a dialectic process in which new mothers’ experiences may comprise a dichotomy of feelings between the giving of themselves to the baby and losses of autonomy and freedom, which leads to a re-defining of the self, relationships and professional goals. Stern (2004) terms the period prior to and following childbirth as 'the motherhood constellation' and states that the mother is in a crisis that disorganises and reorganises much of her psychological life.

Our sense of self is generated in myriad ways: Through the abilities we perceive in ourselves, through the things we do, through our relationships with others and with the world. From an existential perspective we don’t see a solid self but rather a fluctuating, transforming, ever-changing experience of ‘Being-in-the-world’ (van Deurzen, 1998). Sartre (1946) asserts that the existence of a person precedes his or her essence, which means that we are

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creating and defining ourselves, and nothing can stop us from becoming and achieving what we want from life. Therefore, our selfhood is always in transformation, and as Heidegger (1962) highlighted, it is important to live an authentic life by being able to affirm our own way of being.

Van Deurzen (1998) described the paradox of human behaviour when we are, on a daily basis, anxiously holding on to the same routines, the same sorts of things, relationships, ideas and beliefs; and on the other hand, how this comforting and essential process creates a struggle and complicates our lives. In other words, things that provide us with the sense of our defining identity, familiarity and security at the same time obstruct us from the flexibility of our ever-changing selfhood and from seeing our own freedom.

Van Deurzen (2002:78) described the personal world as the relationship with one’s self, ‘home world, where one feels comfortable with one’s self’. The feelings, thoughts, values and beliefs that help us to answer the question 'who am I?' are part of the personal world.

Integrating a new role as a mother to already known and familiar roles as spouse, daughter, friend, colleague and so on, can awaken in a new mother complex feeling regarding her personal identity (Adams et al., 2006). The re-evaluation of values and beliefs, attitudes, priorities and personal characteristics during the process of transition to motherhood encourages

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opportunities for a woman’s personal growth and development (Barlow &

Cairns, 1997; Arnold-Baker, 2014). The search for answers to the question 'How will I mother?' can provide opportunities to discover unknown aspects about oneself and others, opportunities for expanding oneself and interactions with the world in new, more mindful, authentic ways.

Becoming a mother is a process of uncertainty and constant learning, mental tiredness, loss of time for self and loss of control over one’s own life (Barclays et al., 1997; Stadlen, 2004; Arnold-Baker, 2014). Barclays et al., (1997) described how loss of sense of self was exhibited by many women in their research as loss of confidence, self-esteem and a negative perception of themselves as mothers. These losses become more balanced and gains become more apparent as the baby grows older. Babies become less demanding, sleep better, become more responsive and interactive providing rewarding feelings of closeness for the mothers. This allows mothers more sleep and to have more time for themselves, improving their confidence and lessening anxieties (also see Arnold-Baker, 2014). There may still be a sense of loss, but compensations become evident and enjoyment of motherhood increases.

The transition to motherhood and the reconstruction of self is an individual process that depends on each mother’s and each child’s characteristics. As

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Rubin (1984:52) highlights, ‘from the onset of labour to the destination, child bearing requires an exchange of a known self in a known world to an unknown self in an unknown world.’ This process of change is not bound by a particular time-frame (Rubin, 1984; Mercer, 1986).

Butterfield (2010) highlighted that to be a mother is to hold an identity that is always in progress, both on an individual level, as figuring it out for oneself, and on a larger socio-cultural level, as meanings are maintained or created anew over time. Butterfield (2010) described women going beyond the ‘ideal mother’ in creating their own identities as mothers. Mothering is one of many factors in her own narrative of development. Just as the child moves from the intense togetherness of infancy towards a more individual self, the mother too is recreated in this relationship. In the relationship between mother and child, there is no ending. The dynamic of the relationship is negotiated again and again throughout our lives. Like a mother herself, the mothering relationship should be understood as a work in progress. For better and for worse, then, a mother’s work is never done.

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