Ventajas y limitaciones

implies that their psychological security is contingent on the constant availability of their mothers. Thus when things go wrong, mothers are blamed, or blame themselves, for not caring enough. Cultural beliefs that women are 'ultimately responsible' for their children and their needs, can shape women’s roles as mothers, and their transition to motherhood.

4.4.2 Sub-Theme 3.2 Relationship with a partner: We are more parents than a couple.

From the participants’ stories, we could observe how socio-cultural messages about motherhood has led them to accept or made to believe that the responsibility for their children must be their first priority in life. This consciousness of full responsibility appeared to also reflect their relationship with partners. Women described how their relationships with their partners took a back seat, became ‘not a priority’. Every mother in this research described how the relationship with their partners changed, they were 'more parents than a couple'.

P1 S89 Now we are more into her, she comes first…...Before it was different, but

now he is not my first priority, at least not at this very moment. He probably feels left out, and that we don’t have time for us as a couple. We are more parents than a couple. (S93) It is not great. It’s upsetting me, but as I said at the moment, she

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is my priority.

Masha P1 described how her child became her first priority and her time belonged to her child instead of her husband. She described how they are relating to each other more as parents then as a couple, a couple as it used to be before. She admits that the dynamic of their relationship is upsetting her, but her mothering responsibility is her priority. She feels the loss of their connection as a couple that they used to have.

P5 S1 I have been married for 10 years. . . (S36) The relationship with my

husband changed. We don’t have time for each other like we did before (S37) I feel like our lives are going parallel, he is going his way and I am going my way and the baby is in the middle. We talk mostly about the baby and live our lives only like parents.

Suzanne (P5) is another example of how the mothers experience changed in the dynamic of their relationship with partners, from a twosome to a threesome. She reflects that they used to have time and attention for each other, but now they are parents their priorities have changed. She also reflects on the loss of their connection to each other as a couple.

I feel that Carol's (P6) reflection on the changes to her relationship with her partner demonstrates well the process of the new dynamic between parents.

P6 S114 Parenthood can definitely take over from the relationship, at the beginning . . . (S115) You need to find your feet as parents and find that both of

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you are new people. The child demands all your attention and both of your priorities, and it is so easy to fall into it, and very easy to forget why you are together, how to make each other happy and you just constantly concentrate on the negative things because you are tired, you are both looking at things differently. Definitely that was the toughest thing for me.

Carol (P6) is describing herself and her husband as ‘new people’, people with different priorities and values, people who look at things differently, relating to each other differently. Her sentiments indicate a transitional process where a couple are learning to be parents and relate to each other in a new way. Women are relating to their husbands as mothers to fathers of their children, and vice versa. It is a new connection, new relationship with new priorities and new values, and parents are learning to connect with each other as parents. This process contains a loss of a previous connection or relationship when a couple connected to each other as two people who were there primarily for each other. And now, as parents, they are a dynamic of three and they are both there for the child as well as for each other.

Even though, every woman in this research described the loss of the previous connection with their partners as a couple, they all highlighted how much they value their partners as fathers.

P2 S53 We have moments when the two of us are just standing over his cot and watching him sleeping and it is just amazing.

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P5 S41 He is a very helpful husband. He is very protective over our baby . . .

(S43) It is better now, we got used to the baby and are more relaxed . . .

(S38) It is kind of changing now. We went out once recently because I could leave my baby with a friend for a few hours.

P7 S42 My partner was absolutely amazing; I knew he would be a good dad, but I

didn’t realise that he would be as amazing as he was. I didn’t realise how much I would need him and his support, I still do.

Women are describing seeing the connection between their partners with their children as amazing. Every woman in this research described the transition from feeling the loss of a previous relationship as a couple to an opportunity of establishing a new relationship as parents.