Once students were better able to understand difference and accept that this was not necessarily a bad thing, they were better able to accept their identity, and in doing so, cope with bullying. The theme of ‘owning it’ thus represents this transition point and the ability of students to own their identities. Furthermore, this theme appears to tie into Cass’s (1979) identity model, or the last two stages in the process of coming out whereby individuals engage in identity pride and identity synthesis. In these respective stages, individuals tend to give less weight to the opinion of heterosexuals (or in this case those who are bullying them) and subsequently one’s non-heterosexual identity can become less of a master status and more of a status that comes to be integrated with other aspects of the self (Cass, 1979). Much evidence can be found in the interviews that supports both stages.
First, there was evidence that participants reached a point at which they no longer cared about the opinions of others who thought that their differences were wrong:
Emily: “Um…I think I also hit a point where I just stopped listening, um,
and I guess I also reached a point where I knew people were saying things about me, but I sort of stopped caring so much, um, because I understood, so they didn’t necessarily have to um, I knew that they weren’t people who really mattered in my life, so, ah, sort of…I think as I became more comfortable with myself, the less it affected me, just because of the way I could handle myself.
[…]
I mean, I’ve sort of, gone from seeing, seeing it as okay for people to ah, I guess, talk about me that like that, or assume things about me, to well one not caring, and just listening to how I feel, um…but actually that is probably the only thing, but um, yeah, I feel like it’s just made me stronger in a sense of, I rely more on what I think than what other people think. Um, and I don’t really think other people’s opinions matter as much, because so what if the world is behind on this sort of thing, I get it, and that’s really all I need, all I really need to have.”
Taylor: “Um, I’d kind of laugh about it now because, it just…I don’t care
anymore. It’s who I am, I’ve accepted myself and if someone else thinks that there’s a problem then that’s, that’s their problem, that’s not my problem.”
As well, several participants also expressed the idea of identity synthesis and accepted their difference as one of many aspects of themselves. This idea was indicated best by Charlie, Emily and Nathan:
Charlie: “..because I’m not just gay, I’m me.”
Emily: “…whatever your sexuality is, you’re still a person.”
Nathan: “I used to, define myself as gay as my identity, but over time it
was also accepting that it was only a part of me, because growing up…I was told you’re gay, you’re gay, and that’s it. And I think that was
another issue. Is that…it wasn’t, you know, I was [Nathan] who happened to be gay, not, the gay guy, you know? It was very much a person first, and then learning that this is part of me, and that also that change of perspective, because growing up I was told ‘you’re gay and that’s it’, you know? And that’s what I felt like…that’s all that people viewed me as. Oh, that’s the kid who’s not into girls and that was it. And that had a huge, and that’s what I generally thought, but then I would notice that you could be gay and also all these wonderful other things, I think that’s what the perspective is too. It’s very easy to identify as something and have that as your soul part of your identity, especially when that’s something that all people targeted you for…and you think, well that’s all I am, then what else is there kind of thing?”
The point at which participants appeared to reach these stages varied. Some individuals such as Charlie and Peter made claims throughout their interviews that suggested this happened early on in high school. Others appeared to have undergone this transition after leaving high school and were further aided by being in a more accepting post-secondary environment.
Of those who likely went through this process earlier, this acceptance of identity
appeared to allow students the ability to better deal with bullying situations and in some cases lessen the power that bullies had over them. Emily, Charlie and Peter displayed this as evidenced in the following quotes:
Emily: “Um, I mean it started when I shaved part of my head, I think that
was…I mean, it was because I really wanted to, um, and for style and everything, but also I was ah, um, you know, I don’t care what any of you think, um, and I think from then, I mean things got worse, but for me, I think they also started to get better, um, I mean people would say more things, um, it was harder for my friends, but I think for me, I’d sort of, I was sort of starting to own it more, and I think made it better.”
Charlie: “…but then once I came out in grade ten, people didn’t have any
power over me in that they couldn’t call me gay and I’d be upset about it because was like ‘yes, true, you caught me’.”
Peter: “Ah, like, obviously like things happen and like gossip and whatnot
and like I came out in high school too so, there was that. I think once I came out everything changed. Like it was kind of like, someone would call me gay and I’d be like ‘yeah, I am’, like I own it.”
Unfortunately, while coming out and beginning to ‘own it’ appears to be one way of mitigating the power of bullies, and may also provide protection from the denial of identity differences found in heteronormative contexts, this process simultaneously appeared to be hindered by the fear of being bullied and/or the perception of an oppressive school climate.
In a somewhat contradictory sense, it occasionally seemed that it was experiencing GSB itself that encouraged individuals to move through this identity development process. Thus, owning it also appears to be tied to the idea that some participants came to own their bullying experiences and see how there could be positive consequences from this as well. Again, this acceptance is likely to occur at different points for different individuals, but at the time of the interviews, Emily, Leslie and Nathan all appeared to articulate this idea:
Emily: “I know I understand myself a lot better because of it. Um, it sort
of forced me to ah, think about myself and who I am and what I want um, so I definitely have a better understanding of myself.”
Leslie: “I think, that it’s, it sounds weird, but I think it’s made me more
confident in who I am because I’ve had to like, explain to people why what they’re saying is not okay and I’ve had to explain to people…why, like, I did a pretty good job the other night actually. I’d say. Like, it’s just like, I understand myself better because of having to explain it and…that
makes me more confident in being able to defend myself, makes me more confident to be able to be myself…”
Nathan: “…I did so much thinking and dwelling on things that, you
know, it’s true when they say the years of struggle strike you as the most beautiful, because I thought the years that I was constantly critically thinking about my own sexuality, got me to a point where I found a place of acceptance, and just openness with myself.”
Therefore, in some cases it appeared as though experiencing GSB was a mechanism through which one’s identity could become better understood, and this understanding would then have a protective or ‘steeling’ effect against future instances of GSB. Such self-acceptance as a result of bullying should not be taken as evidence supporting the notion that bullying is and should be excused as ‘just a part of growing up’. There are other more positive ways of fostering self-acceptance that do not also come with a wide array of associated negative effects. As such, this highlights another area where schools can help to encourage student acceptance of difference and do so earlier when students are first exposed to the negative uses of identity markers such as when ‘gay’ and ‘lesbian’ are used as insults. Furthermore, this need not focus exclusively on notions of self- acceptance. Instead, by working to foster a general sense of acceptance, this should help to address the underlying attitudes of such GSB, and also the negative evaluations of difference that the participants seemed to internalize. In this manner individuals may be more prepared to move through the identity development or coming out process,
whenever they may wish to do so, and thus ultimately be more prepared to ‘own it’ in the face of challenging forces.