El signo visual

When I work with men, I often discover that holes in their confidence come from the feeling that they are not liked, that they don’t have

enough friends and that they feel embarrassed by that fact and that they feel unsupported by others.

Which is why the live intensives we do are so powerful. For many men, this is the first time they can be totally vulnerable and honest with other men, and they feel 100% supported by other guys participating.

Well, if you’re 5’4”, I can’t make you 6’2”

But if you have few friends and want a larger, more supportive social circle, I can help you solve that quickly and efficiently.

When you feel that many people like you and that you are important to others, it leads to an easy sense of Confidence. It’s definitely not the only element to Commanding Confidence, but it is an important one.

Would you like more people to like you? If so, then you must confront the truth that the world doesn’t owe you anything. Your parents should be nice to you. You’re lucky if your siblings are. As for neighbors,

classmates, colleagues and strangers – they don’t owe you squat.

Nobody has to like you. You’ve got to earn it. And you earn it by making choices, choices such as the ones I list below.

And the more you earn people’s affection, the more you get to enjoy it, the more positive reflection you will receive from others, increasing your confidence.

Think about it, it’s pretty intuitive: the more people like you, the more bounce will be in your step, the more you will smile, the more you will be reflexively kind toward others and the kinder they will be, in return, to you.

Instant Likability Practice #1: Offer Full Acceptance

You don’t have to define yourself against others. Here’s a secret that you probably know but never realized: most people don’t accept

themselves. Egoists, defended girls, shy girls – all of it – it’s a projection of people who don’t accept themselves so they push out something negative so others don’t accept them for who they are. Because if they tried to get others to accept them, they would be worried that their

“secret”: would get out – that they are not acceptable somehow. Not good. Not worthy.

If a woman puts herself down, offer acceptance.

Once a woman said, “the breast fairy just never visited me.” I responded, “you are perfectly beautiful.”

One woman brought me home but her place was still full of moving boxes. She apologized, “I know it’s a mess. I’m sorry.” I responded,

“You’re a busy girl with a lot of responsibilities. It’s no problem.” And then I constructed a romantic little dinner table out of two boxes, a

towel over them for a tablecloth, and a candle. I turned down the lights and voila! – her box-filled apartment was now a romantic café. She felt not only accepted but tended to.

If someone puts him or herself down, it’s helpful to offer, “Hey, you name one person who’s perfect, and then I’ll let you pick on yourself.”

Or there’s a great old story about a woman who came to a wise man and could not get over the death of her husband. The wise man counseled her to travel to every home she could find in every village and when she found the home that had no sorrow, she should come back to him and he would give her the secret to overcoming grief. Of course, she

travelled to village after village and could not find a home untouched by sorrow – and that helped soothe her sorrow.

These techniques will help her accept herself, and you will have been the catalyst.

If a woman asks if she looks fat in this dress, “you are beautiful.”

If you like her hair, “you are beautiful.”

If she said something awkward: “you are perfect just the way you are”

These are not lies; they are reassurances that you accept her exactly as she is – one imperfect being to another, who are both perfectly perfect in their imperfection.

Instant Likability Practice #2: Offer Appreciation

Words of appreciation increase grace, reciprocity, openness, kindness.

“What gets thanked, gets repeated.” Make a point of thanking people for the smallest offering or gesture. You want the attitude of gratitude – even if you don’t speak your thanks, say it silently to yourself for all the good things in your life. The fact that you have hot water in your tap, a soft pillow to sleep on, room to walk or run. If you feel sorry for

yourself in any way – read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning - his memoir of Auschwitz and how certain people were able to persist through that hell by mental choices they made. If those innocents could create gold from shit, you can.

Instant Likability Practice #3: Offer Praise

Hey – what’s a gift you can give that’s free? That’s right – praise.

Ken Blanchard talks about “catching people doing something right” in his book The One Minute Manager. Random moments of praise brings out the best in the people around you. “I love how open you are with me.” “I can’t help notice how you just make people happy without even trying.” “I love how much love you give your pets.”

Praise women in the moment. Just as you want to touch a woman within the first minute you meet her, you want to praise her or

compliment her for something in the moment – it shows boldness, and it’s fresh and honest and authentic. It shows that you are not afraid to be generous with your attention and words. It feels uncalculated and real.

“Men will die for ribbons.”

– Napoleon.

Instant Likability Practice #4: Give Your Full Attention

I think I have written about this in every program I’ve written.

Listening closely to another person shows that you value them. In addition, we tend to TRUST people who listen to us, in addition to liking them.

Everyone wants to be seen, heard and appreciated. Everybody wants to feel important, if only for the moment. And women especially, live to be seen…

The mistakes many men make include:

1. interrupting when something pops into you mind 2. calculating what to say while she is still speaking 3. fidgeting or making them feel rushed while they speak

4. shooting back a response without a pause (she may just be gathering her thoughts for a moment, or, she may feel that you weren’t really listening)

Ask clarifying questions “let me make sure I heard you right…”

“That’s really interesting, what was the best/hardest/whatever part of that? Take her deeper

Practice still, silent, present, patient listening. Try not to move at all as you listen as an experiment, and see how she responds.