LA ESTRATEGIA DE CHINA

During the FGDs I posed a question about the role of mother and father, and whether they had an equal importance in child’s development. While doing so, the discussions often revolved around the feminine and masculine features of men and women. Almost everyone agreed that mother and father played separate and unique parts in children’s life, and their contributions aren’t interchangable. The reasoning behind this was different personal traits and gender obligations of male and female.

Generally, all the participants agreed that the child should have both parents. However, more than half of the representatives of both FGDs were raised by single mothers. More importantly, participants expressed that not having a father is a bigger tragedy for a boy than for a girl. This is because a boy needs a male role model.

For the sake of a better illustration of FGD members’ points of view, I will discuss a case which happned during one of the FGDs. As mentioned before, all the FGD participants were unmarried and without children, except one young man who was a father. According to his opinion, father’s role in child’s life is irreplaceable, especially for a boy. He supported his opinion by recalling the following case:

“My child was playing ball in the playground. Then older children came and took away the ball from him. When I saw this, it was very unpleasant for me. I went to them and told them to play together with my son if they wanted the ball. In that moment my son did not express any

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emotion, although later he started boasting that he has a strong and great daddy. What will a mother do in the same case? - Probably she will simply ask him to come home and avoid the conflict. Alternatively, she would also go down in the playground to protect his son, which I believe would be more shameful. It is considered reprehensible when a woman is involved in boy’s arguments or quarrels. A mother can’t replace father’s role, because we live in the society where women’s and men’s roles are strictly defined, and violation of such norms is often considered disgraceful in the society”.

As is evident from this example, young people were also aware of the existing gender norms and didn't seem to argue against them. On the contrary, they usually expressed the necessity to follow the gender guidelines to avoid social judgment and non-acceptance. When discussing this particular case, other participants also supported the opinion that if the mother had done the same, it would be considered shameful. Moreover, other children would have made fun of the child because “his mom went to protect him”. Another male participant added:

“In this case mother could solve the problem by talking with older boys and the child could have his ball back, though children would have laughed at him. So, kids need to be adjusted to social norms and to do so, having a father is critical”.

In general, almost everyone agreed that mother’s roles can’t be undertaken by a father and vice versa. Moreover, participants agreed that in boy’s life father is important, while having a mother is more crucial for girls. They supported their ideas by saying that daughter and son need role models. Participants often brought up different cases where a boy was raised in the surroundings of women, and how it resulted in him being much more feminine. However, some girls voiced their opinion that not only boys need a role model in the face of a “strong and capable daddy”, but girls as well. One of them stated:

“For a girl her father is a first person of the opposite gender in her life, from whom she learns the image of a man. So, in cases when a girl doesn’t have a father, they have incomprehensive “picture” of a man”.

While discussing gender roles in relation to parenting contribution, participants also expressed their opinions about homosexual couples. Especially male participants firmly stated that because the child requires a “standard” image of man and woman in the face of their parents, it is impossible that homosexuals can raise “normal” children. One of the men stated:

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“Homosexuals represent a destroyed image of man and woman. There are some things in life which make man as a man and woman as a woman. In case of homosexuals, they have neither masculine nor feminine traits”.

Another male participant added:

“I feel sorry for the child who is raised by homosexuals because other children will make fun of him.”

FGD’s participants were thus quite aware of the social requirements towards men and women. They clearly stated that for someone to be accepted in the society they need to fit in the social standards. In addition to this, some of the girls expressed that they often felt that society is less strict towards boys compared to girls. For example, one of the female participants said: “I remember that it was shocking for me when while in school I realized that boys have more freedom in behavior than girls. They are not punished for bad behavior. Maybe it is expected from them. I was trying to develop masculine traits to be as respected as boys. I mean that boys are never punished for fighting, even not studying is more acceptable compared to us, girls. If we do the same, we are more strictly judged by the society.”

As a reply to the aforementioned opinion, one of the male participant stated that in Georgian society the aggressive endeavor is the indication of man’s masculinity, while the same behavior is considered shameful for women.

The household labor division within the family was also discussed in the FGDs. In this case, similar to most of the fathers, the youth also supported the traditional idea of household tasks division. Male participants mainly thought that a man should fix broken objects, buy groceries and help children with their homework in “technical” subjects. They often supported their opinion by arguing that they do things which they are good at. Although female participants seemed to have a slight opposition regarding such division, they still agreed that they preferred doing it themselves, as they think they do it better. In addition to this, participants recognized that doing household labor is still somehow considered as a shameful activity for men. For instance, according to one male participant:

“It is not shameful for me, but other men think so. Most men will avoid doing such things unless the wife asks them to do so.”

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In conclusion, participants of both FGDs had clear ideas about gender roles and their importance in the society. They also were quite vocal about the fact that father’s and mother’s roles are not interchangeable. This perception was very common in both generations of fathers too. It is also visible that participants were not blindly following socially set gender rules; on the contrary, they often highlighted the fact that it is the society that requires such behavior from individuals. Being recognized in the society appeared to be of great importance for young people. According to the social cognitive theory on gender identity development, individuals learn from an early age that performing gender appropriate acts lead to social acceptance; understanding gender by reflecting on social feedback is coined as an Enactive experience (Bussey 2011, see theory chapter). In case of violation of those socially established gender guidelines, one may face strict social judgment (West and Zimmerman 1987). In relevance to this issue, Bussey also indicates that males and females receive different verdicts for performing the same activities. Therefore, already in the early childhood, children have the anticipation of specific social outcomes about their behaviors (Bussey & Bandura, 1992 in Bussey 2011).

7.3 Youth’s Experiences with Fathers

As stated in the theory chapter, “To most people, being a man or a woman is above all a matter of personal experience. It is something involved in the way we grow up, the way we conduct family life and sexual relationships, the way we present ourselves in everyday situations, and the way we see ourselves” ( Connell 2009: 94). As personal experience plays an important role in forming gender stereotypes and shaping gender identity, I explored young people’s life experiences and their relationships with their own fathers.

During both FGDs, participants were asked to share their experiences and feelings towards their fathers. Their experiences were of particular interest to me, as my intention was to find out the link between participants’ experiences and their images of a good father. For some of the partakers this became an emotional part of the FGD, especially in case of boys. It is important to note that, the parents of the majority of participants were divorced. In reference to this, divorce statistics in Georgia show a rapid increase during the last ten years. According to National Statistics Office of Georgia, in 2001 the number of divorces was 1987, whereas in 2014 it has grown up to 9119, out of which 3346 were registered in the capital.

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While interviewing fathers, I asked all of them what they considered to be the traits of a good father. Mainly their answers included being a provider, giving the right education, directing children to the right path or just supporting them. But what do children/young people want from their parents? Or what do they remember in the end? Considering the accounts of young participants, none of them has stated that they needed a father who will enable them to have good food, clothes or nice education. However, judging from my findings, young people want fathers who can simply spend time with them. I assume that while being a child or a teenager, one is not in the position to evaluate family’s financial requirements and their importance; and while fathers are busy with obtaining financial sources to support their children, the emotional distance tends to grow between them. FGDs clearly demonstrate that majority of interviewees lacked fathers’ involvement and attention. To understand young people’s desires and needs from their fathers some of the personal stories will be shared below.

25 year old male participant - parents are still together.

“My father has a very passive personality; we used to have numerous conflicts. I was crying and asking him to take me for a walk. I remember, he took me for fishing only once, and it was only because my mother was asking him to do it for three days straight, but I remember it as a happy experience. He was the only child of his parents and thus very unsocial. I was angry when I was comparing him to my cousin’s father who was a friend for his son, taking him everywhere – for hunting, for a walk. My dad was in a good economical shape, I would not say he was very busy either, as he owned a factory and did not have to work 8 hours per day. Everything was done by my mother in our family. He did not have this desire to make me feel good and do something that made me happy. The only thing I learned from him was what kind of father I should not be. He is a good example of a bad father. And perhaps, it has something to do with the generational differences.”

30 year old male participant – parents are still together

“Before the age of 4-5 my father had a very friendly relationship towards me. Then he had personal problems, as he was unemployed for some time, and my mother was the financial provider. He has changed a lot. When I had conflicts he was never there to give me support, he just dragged me out. I wanted him to stand by me and support me. Also, he had problems

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with my mother, and I was thinking that if he ever touches my mom or me I will hit him. However, when he did so and hit me, I did nothing, as I could not imagine hitting my own father. For a boy, the father plays a significant role and in fact it is necessary to have him around. There was a time when I had to leave the country, and when I was alone I only wanted to talk with him, to share my troubles and success; I was so happy that he was simply listening to me. But then, when I came back, I was 26, and I was arrested for some time. On the day when I was set free he met me and instead of support he called me awful names; I needed his support in the first place. Now I think that he is a horrible person and not a man. I try to be the opposite of him and to support my children in everything.”

Female participant 24 years old – parents are still together

“My father was always working and he was coming home exhausted. Thus, he wanted silence and comfort at home. I and my sister were warned to remain quiet when father was coming home. As a person, he was an introvert, the only child of his parents, almost never talked, constantly wore official outfit and was always tired. Due to these reasons until certain age we did not have any relationship at all. Then, when I grew up and could talk about politics, physics or economics, we found some stuff in common. I would say he was representing the role of a professional man, rather than that of a father.”

As one can see, the experiences I have illustrated are the cases where parents were not divorced. However, as these examples demonstrate cohabitation does not automatically guarantee close relationships between a father and a child. Although in these cases fathers were still responsible for their children’s financial security; the situation becomes much more unstable in divorced families. In case of separated parents, according to young people’s stories, fathers hardly demonstrated any care, even in terms of breadwinning.

26 year old male participant – parents separated

“When my parents separated my dad was meeting with me only when he was in the mood to do so. When I was 15 years old, I became close with his children from his second wife. I did not learn anything from him, except of - what kind of father I should not be. He did not even have a passive role in my life. However, he considers that he can give me advice. He is 50 years old, and now he wants to give advice to me, and it is already late, as I developed my own views.

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I only wanted to have a father, at least to go and play football together sometimes. I see other children playing with their dads, I see my mother who is worried about his behavior, and not surprisingly I feel an aggression towards him.”

25 year old female participant – parents separated

“My parents divorced when I was six years old. Mainly I was growing up with my grandparents. My father was visiting from time to time to see me, usually during the weekend. We would go for a walk for an hour or two. His major role was breadwinning. He never felt what it means to have a child as he never participated in my upbringing. He was not a bad person, but he was a bad father”.

These examples demonstrate that fathers’ participation in children’s lives is often limited to breadwinning. However, providing financial security doesn’t seem to be appreciated by young people themselves. In the literature review, where I have presented White’s (1994) empirical findings, patterns appear to be similar. According to her study, interviewees stressed that their fathers were minimally involved in their lives while being too busy providing for the family. White notes that participants rarely highlighted gratefulness for ensuring their financial security. She mentions that participants appreciated close relationships with mothers, who were always by their sides and provided support for them; this was true in the case of young people too. Relying on their stories, they often compared their fathers’ behavior to other children’s parents, and it was especially disappointing for them to see other engaged dads when their fathers were too busy with work. While discussing men’s and women’s roles in families, participants seemed to have strong gender norms – women doing child care and domestic tasks, men financially supporting and “helping the wife” in case of need. However, when it comes to their experience, they stated that they didn’t see father’s breadwinning as an important contribution in their lives. Instead, they were longing for their dads’ attention. Thus, it was not surprising that participants who lacked father’s involvement in their lives claimed the engagement to be the most important determinant of a good father.

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