3. EL JUEGO DEL TIPO DE CAMBIO CHINO
3.1. PROCESO DE REFORMA Y APERTURA
When discussing father’s roles and duties, young people spoke from their personal experiences. Specifically, they named father’s duties and responsibilities depending on what they lacked in the relationship with their respective dads. Some of the participants stated that a father should support child’s dreams without trying to change them. Others were concerned about their dads’ lack of engagement in their lives, saying that the father should always be involved in child’s upbringing. Many of participants highlighted that father should not be very strict. For example, one of the girls explained:
“They often can’t measure how strict they should be, and thus they treat you like a child, even though you are already grown up. I guess in such situations it is difficult to have a friendly relationship. The good father is a friend of a child in the first place.”
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Participants and especially girls agreed that for men, relationship with children is to a great extent connected with the relationship with their wives. This opinion was mainly raised by female participants. For instance, as one girl put it:
“There are fathers who love their wives and therefore they are very caring men, but when the love vanishes they also stop caring about children.”
During the discussion, two main issues have been raised. The first one concerned whether a father should be involved in the very early stages of child’s development, e.g. until he or she turns five years old. The second one was father’s participation in child care and whether it is connected to the upbringing of a child or just helping the wife. These two issues were interconnected during the discussions. Thus I will also discuss them in relation to each other. The male participants in both FGDs argued that fathers’ involvement in the child upbringing is not necessary until the age of five or six, stating “a child does not care who changes the diapers.” For example, one male participant who was very firm on this opinion explained: “The role of the father in child’s life is not very important until the child is five or six years old. During these years, mother’s role is vital. The father’s importance starts when the child’s gender identity is developing. I think that if the child does not see the father until the age of three, it will not change anything in child’s life. However, man should of course help his wife, but it is not necessary for child’s development. In Georgia, children are raised by mothers. I myself was also raised by my mother. “
Male participants even mentioned that until the child is unable to communicate with adults and give verbal feedback, it is just an “object” which needs the simplest care, which can be done by anybody. The only father in the group expressed the same opinion and supported it with his experience:
“The development of a child is happening in mother’s body, which means that when a child is born, the mother has stronger and closer bonds with him or her. I don’t understand why it is so important to change diapers. I have never changed diapers, but my son is five years old now, and we have a perfect relationship”.
The given examples illustrate that for men, participation in child care is an act of helping the wife, rather than practicing fathering. The same approach was very common in case of young fathers too. As discussed in chapter five, young dads often stated that participation in child care served as helping their wives, rather than carrying out parenting duties. Similar results were
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seen in Magaraggia’s study (2012) on Italian fathers. According to Magaraggia, while the child is still an infant, fathers see their duties in terms of helping their partner, and it is especially hard for them to perceive their parenting roles. As noted in the literature review, the lack of an early engagement in child’s life may result in the emotional distance between a father and a child (Magaraggia 2012).
The majority of female participants argued that father should be invovled in child care from the time the baby is born. However, there were girls who claimed that doing everyday child care tasks by fathers is not necessary unless the wife needs a help:
“I don’t think that the father should participate in child care tasks when the child is very small. At least I will not request it from him. If he does so, he might do it for the sake of helping the wife. However, the father should know important facts about his child, and be there while the child takes the first steps, says his/her first words and does something for the first time”. However, young female participants mainly did not agree with this opinion. They argued that a father should be involved from the early stages of infant’s life. For example one girl explained:
“They don’t know their children because they don’t participate in child upbringing. If the father is not engaged in child’s life from the first days, he might not even feel that he is the father. I can say from my experience, only when the father is engaged from the very start he is able to have a healthy relationship with his offspring”.
Going back to fathers’ narratives, they often recognized that at the beginning of their fathering experience, it was hard for them to perceive their parenting duties. Specifically, they expressed that although they felt a higher responsibility to provide for their families, it was still hard for them to thoroughly understand the “state” of being a father.Only after interacting and establishing a communication with their children were they beginning to perceive their roles better. Thus, it can be assumed that because men are not engaged in child care from the beginning, it is hard for them to perceive oneself as a parent. As stated by one male FGD participant “father’s importance increases when social factors arise in child’s life”.
All in all, considering the feedback of fathers in combination with focus group discussions, the majority of men agreed that fathers’ early involvement is not necessary for the child’s development. They believed that caregiving is mother’s obligation. However, one of the male partakers from the FGDs expressed the opposite opinion. According to him:
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“Fathers in Georgia are emotionally far from children because they are not engaged from the beginning. If one has never stayed awake during the night, never knew what kind of food the child needs, his hands never got tired of holding the baby and if he has never cared it, how can he feel that he is the father and the parent?“
And indeed, studies discussed in the literature review demonstrate that most of the Scandinavian fathers participated in child care from childbirth. Their high involvement level in turn helped them to better understand their parenting roles and duties. This is well illustrated in the Johansson’s study (2011) where Swedish men indicated that doing child care tasks were their primary a parenting responsibility, rather than helping the partner.