Etapas del circuito

Participants all identified as involuntarily childless. This unintentionality of not having one’s own children, for most of the participants, leads the self into a world of

uncertainty.

Penny, who is living with her partner, demonstrates the concerns that her childless situation has brought. She talks about new worries she never used to have. For example, worries about her partner, who ‘could technically go and find a younger woman who is still fertile’:

[ ] it…it’s like…[tearful] it feels like an onion…and every time I…think…I’ve worked out one set of fears, I then just discover a whole another set of fears.

(15.43-49)

Here, the metaphor ‘like an onion’ illustrates the layers of fear Penny is experiencing.

It also captures her fear over her endless worries. In addition, an uncontrollable, powerless sense of self underlying the fear appears.

Uncertainty emerges because the outcome of childlessness impacts so negatively on the self. Renee, who has been married for more than 27 years, stated during the interview that having children was such ‘a foregone conclusion’ (6.21) that she never thought about not having a family. She, with emphasis on the emotive ‘because I had wanted’, speaks about her feelings:

because I had wanted them, it’s…much harder [tearful]…to keep looking at the positives…I think there’s always regrets and the negatives that come in.

(10.41-44)

Renee’s perception of her loss encompasses a sense of emotional insecurity. Absence of children in her life is the negation of meaning. For Renee, it seems that finding positives are still difficult at present, and uncertainty therefore ‘always’ stays internally.

Susie, who is divorced from her previous husband and now living with a new partner, similarly talks about her unresolved emotional struggles:

I say things have changed and I can cope. There are times, there’s always times when you feel a bit low. And it could be that you’re feeling low about something totally different, but it affects you if somebody starts talking about babies or...or fertility treatments. (22.1-5)

Susie recognises that dealing with childlessness is possible, which is illustrated as a positive sense of self – ‘I can cope’. However, she also speaks about a negative sense of self that appears to ‘always’ be there. Important to note here are the times and the situations when she feels ‘low’. When the topics of ‘babies or fertility treatments’ are brought up by others, this intensifies her existing sense of uncertainty. Other people become intruders who ‘affect’ her positive sense of self. Everyday life for Susie is, therefore, living with internal conflicts.

Having a sense of ambiguity attached to the emotional struggles also provokes concerns for the future. Heather reveals her uncertain feelings towards the future:

it’s…it’s always on my mind to be honest. You know, you…you…you know you’re gonna die, never having experienced having a baby, or feeling what it’s like, looks [like]…and what it feels like to have a baby…erm…that is not gonna happen to you…ever…that’s it. You get your one life. (12.15-20)

What strikes me here is Heather’s sense of her own death. She clearly feels no more hope can be expected, as she acknowledges the need to terminate her dream – ‘that’s it’. At the same time, the fear of uncertainly also appears with a sense of mortality.

There is a sense of reduced life here, since having a child gives an extension to one’s own life. So for Heather, death without experiencing and creating a new life results in her own life being incomplete. This is captured in the final sentence, ‘you get your one life’ – life ends with Heather without her having generated her second life. An

unimaginable sense of fear is ‘always on my [her] mind’ triggering existential concerns.

Uncertainty also arises from a loss of self-belief. Penny recounts:

I, I suppose…I suppose…er…I don’t know how I get…ended up…here…at this table having this conversation…with you…because it wasn’t what I…it wasn’t what I envisaged and it wasn’t what I wanted. (1.18-22)

A lot of negative feelings appear in her beliefs. Childlessness for Penny is a disruption that ‘ended up…here’ in an unwanted world. Because this is not the life she chose to have, doubt remains unresolved. Her belief underpinning her assumptive world of

‘what I [she] wanted’ is being brought into question, and leaving her life with uncertainty.

Alana describes her doubt over her beliefs:

I...I had thought that by now I would be fine…[laughs] so I feel disappointed that I’m not. I feel erm…concerned about the future…I don’t want to carry this with me…for the rest of my life. (11.18-21)

Alana’s disappointment illuminates her sense of uncertainty in that she finds

difficulties in understanding her inability to manage the emotional burden associated with childlessness. For Alana, this seems to be continuing as a threat towards the future.

Several women talk explicitly about the long-term effects of their suffering.

Denise, who tried for adoption after unsuccessful attempts of IVF reflects back on her experience:

I was suffering from anxiety and depression. And I was on antidepressants and stuff. I thought I’m not really that stable…[little laugh]…not that I would…do something to…but, I just thought I don’t really want them to go through all this thing and say...and say that I’m not suitable cos I’m suffering from depression which…was really...is a consequence of everything that I went through.

(9.20-27)

Here, Denise’s struggles are evidenced through her alternation of thoughts. In order to alleviate emotional suffering from failed IVF, she tried to adopt with a hope of finding fulfilment. However, because the emotional impact was enormous, she could not go through all the processes necessary to adopt. The representation of her thoughts here appears to be somewhat unclear. The utterance, mixed as it is with the past and present tenses, suggests that her mind floats back and forth between the past and the present, showing her state of uncertainty, and the long-term effects of suffering.

Clare, who did not have fertility treatment, but like Denise, experienced an unsuccessful adoption recalls her emotional journey, says:

when I was 34, I decided we, I wanted children. [ ] For me, it’s been a…a huge…grief journey, [ ] Erm…so probably from 34, I was thinking ‘that’s it’, 36 I was getting worried, 38 I was desperate, I thought it’s never gonna happen. 40 I had an early menopause, so I knew it was never gonna happen…erm…so…it was probably from 34 to 44, it was 10 years of…angst… (9.33-45)

The lost opportunity to have children brings emotional struggles in different ways. The

‘angst’ accompanied with hidden anxiety, and also aligns with a long grief journey.