It was a glorious, sunny day. Birds in the trees, mackerel-crowded seas. I was in my mint green suit, fur-trimmed overcoat, dollar sign neck pin. I looked like money. Betty and I got into the Cock Mobile, and off we went to the track. I dropped her off, told her to put in a shift, and pulled away. My plan for the day was to grab some Dairy Queen, get back to the apartment to watch some Maury Povich. I’d come back and pick up Betty for some lunch in a couple hours, if she was lucky. She wasn’t lucky.
Around the corner I saw Cleo, Caesar Slick’s ho. She was looking fly, so I rolled up thinking I’d take a pop. If Caesar Slick thinks he can peel Betty, well, I’ll take another shot at his. This time, however, it was different. I knew the Game, I was in the Game. Fuck, I had game.
I rolled up and got ready to try some recruiting. I started saying, You fine baby. Shaken ‘n’
bacon cause you staked. All rump and ready to pork. Fine, fine, fine. It’s time to move with the hero if you don’t want to be a zero and now all you’ze gonna be is a zero till you move with the hero. You should get like a quarterback and toss me the bankroll. You know my game is the only game in town. This is some real pimpin’ here. Go from zero to hero. Shake and bake! SHAKE AND BAKE!!
¡¡¡S-H-A-K-E--N’--B-A-K-E!!!
You see, pimps talk in ridiculous and circular ways, but it’s all part of the racket, the subterfuge.
You have already seen this. This is our cant. We rhyme and talk all kinds of shit, but it is a defined aspect of the Game. Some pimps think that this has some kind of rhetorical force, where you can verbally spin a ho around, confuse her, and begin to possess her mind. Then again, some pimps are complete idiots. Although it can be amusing, most of the shit we say is actually quite pathetic and you may find that, on the whole, our power of expression is rather impoverished.188 However, this is also a strength. Again, this is the importance of the Game and the power of its static expression. Besides this function of the Game, where it works for you, through you, like the Force,189 the significance of this strange courtship/recruitment process is the confidence and self-possession that is expressed. On the evidence of it, nothing rational is occurring at all. However, what you are witnessing is a great initiation ritual. This is definitive.
188 Although this may be the case, the origins of this practice are more rewarding. Diffuse, it challenges amateur and ethnographer alike. I like to look back to stoop culture and the Dozens, although I entertain the idea that it may have its origins in the plantations or back to West Africa in the tradition of sanankuya. Either way, I think Dolomite brings it all together rather well and further firms it up with rhyme. Validating the transgressive nature of this, Dolomite also identifies the role of the “signifyin jive” in the trickster tradition. These become conflated with the pimp and can help give him ghetto hero status in cultural representations. Things have deteriorated somewhat since then, but the vitality of the tradition can still be seen in the shared lineage with hip hop. Sadly for pimps, this florescence was short lived and we are now stuck with its degenerate form. This is palpable, and I would like to thank Shaggy 2 Dope for taking us on a nostalgic walk through happier days in Big Money Hustlas as Sugar Bear and allowing Rudy Ray Moore to reprise the role of Dolomite.
189 Better perhaps as prana or chi. Different strokes.
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The ho will assess you, and she’ll consider what she knows about your operation, but the truth is that the process is almost entirely visceral and facilitated through the symbols of the Game.
Now, Cleo reacted very differently from the last time when I was wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater. Now I was a real pimp, and Cleo could feel my game.190 It only took a couple minutes, for the Force was strong with me. I said, give me all of your money, kiss the ring that looks like a pair of balls, and get in the car. We’re going to go pick up all your shit and move you to my place. Bitch, do you like Dairy Queen?
She did.191
Then get in the fucking car, I said, and break yourself.
She did.
Off we went.
I counted her money and asked her what she made. I made a quick assessment. For now on you’ll suck dicks for $100, pussy goes out for $200, and your ass for $300. You’re at least a mid-range product. You’re not currently indexed to correct market value. Shortly I’m going to make you top shelf. You smoke any crack? Well stop. That’s how we’re gonna roll. See, this is why you need my super pimpin’, I said. After the ice cream, let’s go buy you some clothes. She was all smiles.
Cleo was ho number two. Now I had hoes, and this figure was only going to multiply. However, the process with Cleo wasn’t complete. First I had to serve Caesar Slick. I did it with relish. I called him up. You just got served, your bitch chose me. Caesar Slick pretended to take it with equanimity, as part of the give and take of the Game, but I knew he was none too happy. Fuck him, I thought. These are the rules of the Game. Step aside motherfucker, because I’m looking to be the only game in town.
When I next saw Pop Pontius he asked how I peeled Caesar Slick’s ho. I told him I’ve got good game. Solid as shit. I dazzled her. Dazzled her, he asked. With some razzle, I added. That’s you, he said. You are the Dazzle Razzle man using the old razzle dazzle. From that moment Dazzle
190 This is Cock. Like Biz Markie said, “She caught the vapors.” This is good.
191 Don’t be misled. She only pretended to like it. You’ll see later. Anyway, Dairy Queen is wack. As a wise man once said, “Take a quart of ice-cream and a quart of shit and mix it together. You will find it tastes more like shit than ice-cream.” Mix Jah Rastafari Hell Fyah and shit together and you’ll either have something much, much more edible, or you’ll have a nuclear device. Maybe a dirty bomb.
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Razzle was born.192 Pop Pontius lifted his cane to my shoulders and said, arise Sir Dazzle Razzle.
I was made.193 Trippple Beam was as firmly in the past as Dazzle Razzle was of the future.194 .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
192 Mad, bad, and dangerous to know.
193 Because this cannot be overstressed. As Kris said, “'Cause I'm the miggida miggida miggida mac daddy. The miggida miggida miggida mac. 'Cause I'm the miggida miggida miggida mac daddy. The miggida miggida miggida mac.” Do not snicker. This is not pleonastic.
194 *Editorial note* As you will see, Dazzle Razzle is actually eternal, external and internal all at once. Everything is in the balance, though he is unbalanced.
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