FORMA DE LA TENENCIA DE LA VIVIENDA

Information was also sought from parents about what they found stressful during the first year. Mothers and fathers were asked to share this information as a means of informing others about ways in which they can perhaps prepare in advance for some of the stresses and to assist in identifying services that would be of benefit in the early stages of adoptive parenthood.

Sixteen percent (16%) of mothers and (31%) of fathers said that they had experienced no stresses in relation to their adjustment to parenthood. Some parents answered quite simply that there were none whereas some parents outlined the reasons why they found the transition to parenthood to be devoid of stress. For

mothers it was because they had waited so long for motherhood and it had now come and brought huge rewards. Fathers described how they took it in their stride and again how they were ready for children so they were prepared for the transition:

None, because we were really prepared we were so ready for parenthood that it was a pleasure (Mother of girl, adopted at 8mths from EE)

Nothing really because I had seven months off and we were older so it was easier to give up the other social things (Mother of boy, adopted at 12mths from EE)

No it was great, we were ready for children, more stressful when she turned two, she was very impatient (Father of girl, adopted at 9mths from A)

Eighty four percent (84%) of mothers and 69% of fathers identified particular situations which were stressful. These fell into three main categories:

• Coping with issues or behaviours displayed by the child which were worrying or stressful for the child and the parents

• Parents’ own adjustment to parenting

• Issues in relation to siblings adjusting to each other

The most common kinds of behaviours displayed by children which parents identified and found to be stressful were: children resisting sleep, night terrors, feeding patterns, temper tantrums, screaming and crying, fear of crowds, bathing and hyperactivity. Thirty percent (30%) of parents mentioned having to cope with one or more of these behaviours. In relation to difficulties with sleep and settling at night time parents described the kinds of issues they found to be difficult for their child and themselves:

His sleep patterns and the night sweats. (Mother of boy, adopted at 12mths from EE) Very difficult to get her settled, she hated a cot, screamed when we put her in there, would cry for 25 minutes, that was tough. She had been in a cot so much in the orphanage, she hated being left in a room on her own. (Father of girl, adopted at 11mths from EE)

And for some parents their child’s resistance to sleeping or nightmares they experienced actually became distressing for them and for the children:

When he would wake up screaming, we didn’t know what was going on or how to help him. We had to stand back, he would kick and bite and not let you cuddle him. (Mother of boy, adopted at 17mths from EE)

I had to sleep with him for 6 months because he rocked so hard. It was awful, we were afraid he would fall out of the bed (Father of boy, adopted at 34mths from EE)

Children adjusting to a different feeding schedule or pattern was also mentioned by parents as something which they, and their children, found difficult. Some children who had come from institutions did not seem to know when they had enough to eat and others found it hard to establish an eating pattern which is normal in families. Fathers described how feeding times were stressful either because children were not used to having enough food or because they wanted all the food that was available:

You couldn’t eat meals with them as they wouldn’t stop eating. (Father of girl, adopted at 20mths from EE)

And one mother noted that the responsibility of ensuring that her child got enough food, when he did not seem to have the ability to communicate his wishes, was hard:

The responsibility for him, and he’s the kind of child that if you didn’t feed him he’d never ask you for food. (Mother of boy, adopted at 25mths from EE)

Many parents mentioned how they had to deal with children’s institutionalised behaviours, temper tantrums, or children displaying inappropriate fearful behaviours when confronted with new or different situations:

He had a high pitched screech that I think came from being in the institution to get attention. (Father of boy, adopted at 23mths from EE)

He had a terror of water. (Mother of boy, adopted at 30mths from EE)

He would have had tantrums which continued for three months. (Mother of boy, adopted at 19mths from EE)

A further difficulty for parents was when children seemed to be excessively busy or active, or unable to concentrate:

His concentration span is still very short. He came into the house running and he’s never stopped since. (Mother of boy, adopted at 29mths from EE)

He can be hyperactive at times. He had no fear, he climbed up a ladder onto the roof when we were getting the extension done. (Father of boy, adopted at 29mths from EE)

He has no fear, he would jump off things and you would worry a lot about him. (Father of boy, adopted at 7mths from EE)

Parents who had very little or no background information or history about their child often felt increased anxiety levels:

Institutionalised behaviours, tantrums, strong willed, e.g. did not want to go to speech and drama classes, screamed being brought to mass, and we don’t know if it was the church or the darkness. (Mother of girl, adopted at older than 5y from EE)

She was very clingy and it was very hard work, the adjustment to total dependency, the exhaustion, all she wanted was me and the unknown of her past history (Mother of girl, adopted at 39mths from A)

Some parents felt that these issues were often further compounded by the fact that the children were not babies when they were adopted:

Getting a child as a toddler was tough, he didn’t like the buggy or bath, the lack of

language was very hard, watching the rocking was very hard. Our four year old found it hard getting a two year old brother and not a baby (Mother of boy, adopted at 27mths from EE) Exhaustion, if you are adopting a baby you grow with them and you get a toddler, and even the lifting, the weight was so heavy, you go from lifting nothing to this. (Mother of boy, adopted at 11mths from EE)

For two parents coping with medical issues which needed intervention such as failure to thrive, asthma, the taking of bloods, checking vaccinations, infections, constipation and skin conditions was stressful.

For three fathers and four mothers, who had adopted children who were already conversant in the language of their country of birth, there was a language barrier which they found to be difficult to overcome, and which made things tough. These parents spoke about the child’s lack of comprehension of English leading to frustrations for the children who were unable to communicate their needs:

They would be blank and you couldn’t get their attention. (Mother of girl, adopted at 20mths from EE)

Parents also identified specific issues which, in the adjustment to parenthood were personally experienced as stressful. Overall, discovering that their lives were no longer their own, adjusting to the constant lack of sleep, having to entertain callers to the home and dealing with people’s inquisitiveness were all frequently mentioned as stressful to both mothers and fathers.

The most frequently mentioned adjustment which parents found to be stressful was getting used to your life not being your own. Although most parents were feeling extremely positive about becoming a parent, they recognised the impact on themselves, especially their diminished independence. Mothers who had been used to being independent and out at work spoke about the fact that although they enjoyed motherhood, the adjustment to being at home full time was strange:

It was hard to be at home full time, we used to be very independent of each other, and if (my husband) said he would be home at a certain time and was late it was ok , now this upset me which it never did before. (Mother of girl, adopted at 30mths from SA)

Its definitely not all rosy in the garden, you suddenly were not able to just come and go, she had to have priority (Mother of girl, adopted at 8mths from EE)

Another mother spoke about the adjustment to her independence of thought and action, as adoptive motherhood brought unasked for advice and the questioning of her abilities:

The most stressful thing for me as a mother was that everyone kept telling you that you were doing everything the wrong way, and people who had never passed comment on anything that you did prior to this in your life, they all seemed to feel it was necessary to tell you you’ll ruin her if you do this, you’ll spoil her, don’t do this, don’t do that. The entire spectrum of people, friends, family and strangers, everybody. I couldn’t believe it because I had never been put in this position in my life, coming from a job where no one would ever question your professional ability, suddenly it was open season on everything. (Mother of girl, adopted at 15mths from EE)

Fathers, who were generally back at work within a week or two of returning from the adoption but who were now coming home to a very different family situation, gave their descriptions of how the responsibilities of fatherhood impacted on them personally:

The shock to the system, the constant concern and awareness about the baby. Going anywhere took forever. The lack of sleep….. (Father of boy, adopted at 8mths from EE) Your own personal time is gone, at 8pm you were so tired you wouldn’t even want a bath on your own. (Father of girl, adopted at 18mths from O)

A further stress which a number of parents mentioned was the number of people they either had calling to the house, or to whom they had to repeat their story of the adoption.

Everyone ringing us and having to repeat the story over and over, it felt very stressful to be giving people answers. (Mother of girl, adopted at 19mths from EE)

People at the airport who wondered, came to see if the children had two heads and four legs. (Father of girl, adopted at 3mths from EE)

Many parents identified generally how the lack of sleep, tiredness and feeling overwhelmed was stressful. Most suggested that although this was what they might have expected, as getting up in the middle of the night, and being tired is part of the usual stress in having a baby, it was difficult.

Some parents spoke about there being an additional tiredness arising from the fact that they had also had the trip to the country from which they adopted. For some the whole journey had been extremely emotional

and draining and the effects of this only began to hit them when they got home. Others noted that because they had adopted a toddler, there was immediately more activity than one would have had with a newborn, and this included the child’s expectations of attention and activity early in the morning:

Tiredness, especially after the week in Russia, as well as him teething. (Father of boy, adopted at 9mths from EE)

Exhausting as he was a toddler and very busy, always getting up very early, as he would come in and tug at the quilt. (Mother of boy, adopted at 23mths from EE)

One father noted how for a period in the beginning he felt completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of his parenting task:

It was difficult, there was no preparation. Coming from having no children to having a two and a half year old was too much, at the start. Initially it was too much. You are constantly playing catch up. (Father of boy, adopted at 32mths from EE)

And one couple, recognising the overwhelming tiredness and exhaustion they were experiencing, found a solution which worked for them:

Tiredness, nothing can prepare you for that. We went to bed at 8pm ourselves, we plugged out the phone and pulled down the blinds and got as much sleep as we could. (Mother of boy, adopted at 9mths from EE)

A further stress to which parents drew attention was how siblings adjusted to a new member of the family. Again, many parents spoke about siblings being overjoyed at having a new brother or sister, but some parents mentioned issues which might arise, particularly when children had been adopted at an older age or because a particular fuss was made by others as this new addition to the family was by adoption rather than by birth:

He got savage attention from others in the family, and his sister got somewhat marginalised. (Father of boy, adopted at 18mths from EE)

The sharing, he couldn’t share and that was hard for us,…and it was very hard for his brother. (Father of boy, adopted at 5y from EE)

Finally, although mentioned only by very few people, two further areas which parents referred to as being stressful were:

• Parents noting that the adopted child bonded significantly more with one parent than the other which left the other parent feeling somewhat marginalised; and

• In a small number of situations where mothers became ill after the adoption and were unable to care for the children, the plans which couples had put in place fell apart. This led to upset for everyone and in one instance a fear that the children might be taken into care.

Both the mothers and fathers who were in situations where their child was slow to bond with them

remembered feeling stressed watching the child bond with the other parent and personally becoming upset over this initial rejection:

One mother said:

(Child) bonded with (Husband) quicker than with me and I found that stressful. It took a long time for him to bond with me. (Mother of boy, adopted at 13mths from EE)

And one father said:

She bonded very quickly with mother and I wondered about me, and I had to think that one through for myself. (Father of girl, adopted at 30mths from SA)

In the situations where mothers became ill and were not in a position to care for the newly adopted child, fathers found themselves in a position which was unexpected and described feeling somewhat

overwhelmed:

My wife went into hospital and I had to care for (child) on his own, and I felt I had no experience (Father of boy, adopted at 7mths from EE)

And in another instance a mother described her own illness and her husband described his fear as to what he thought might happen:

It was hard at first, my health went down and I got depressed…I discovered I was going through the menopause and that was really difficult for me. (Mother)

We were afraid that if (wife) did not get better that the children would be taken from us, the first doctor suggested this should happen. (Father of girl, adopted from EE)