Similarly, p r e m a t u r e forgiveness p r o h i b i t s c o n s t r u c t i v e d i a l o g w h e n it covers up or p o s t p o n e s a conflict a n d leaves t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s to b e d e a l t w i t h b y o t h e r s i n t h e family. T h i s i s especially d e s t r u c t i v e w h e n t h e o n e w h o w a s w r o n g e d tries t o release t h e w r o n g d o e r from his or h e r guilt, as if v i c t i m s h a d t h a t a u t h o r i t y . If r e c o n c i l i a t i o n is d e s i r e d , t h e n t h e o n e w r o n g e d n o t only h a s t h e r i g h t t o d e m a n d r e s - t i t u t i o n a n d a t o n e m e n t , b u t also t h e o b l i g a t i o n t o d o so. A n d t h e w r o n g d o e r n o t o n l y h a s t h e o b l i g a t i o n t o c a r r y t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s o f his o r h e r a c t i o n s , b u t also t h e r i g h t t o d o so.
The Second Time Around
A m a n and a woman who were married to other partners fell in love. When the woman became pregnant, they divorced their respective partners and married. T h e woman had previously been childless. T h e m a n had a daughter from his first marriage, whom he left with her mother. T h e man and his new wife both felt guilty about the man's first wife and their dream was that she would forgive them. In fact,
she was very resentful of t h e m , because she a n d h e r d a u g h t e r were paying t h e price for the couple's h a p p i n e s s .
W h e n they spoke to a friend a b o u t their wish to be forgiven, he asked t h e m to imagine w h a t would h a p p e n if their wish were fulfilled a n d t h e ex-wife really forgave t h e m . W h e n they did so, they b o t h real- ized t h a t they h a d avoided feeling t h e full weight of their guilt a n d t h a t their wish for forgiveness d i d n ' t do justice to t h e dignity a n d n e e d s of t h e m a n ' s first wife. T h e y d e c i d e d to a d m i t to his first wife a n d to his child t h a t they h a d d e m a n d e d a great sacrifice for their o w n h a p p i n e s s , a n d that they would m e e t all just d e m a n d s from t h e two w h o h a d b e e n injured. T h e y t h e n stood b y their decision.
Love is well served when the victim's demands for compensation remain appropriate.
F o r g i v e n e s s a n d R e c o n c i l i a t i o n
Forgiveness t h a t is truly healing preserves t h e dignity of the guilty p e r s o n as well as t h a t of the victim. T h i s forgiveness requires t h a t victims n o t go to extremes in what they d e m a n d , a n d that they accept t h e a p p r o p r i a t e c o m p e n s a t i o n a n d a t o n e m e n t offered b y t h e p e r p e t r a t o r . W i t h o u t the forgiveness that acknowledges g e n u i n e r e m o r s e a n d accepts a p p r o p r i a t e atonement there's no reconcili- ation.
An "Aha" Experience
A w o m a n divorced h e r h u s b a n d in o r d e r to be with h e r lover. After m a n y years, the w o m a n b e g a n t o regret her decision. S h e discovered t h a t she still loved h e r e x - h u s b a n d a n d w a n t e d to be m a r r i e d to h i m again, especially as he h a d r e m a i n e d single. W h e n she spoke to h i m a b o u t h e r feelings, he avoided answering, either positively or n e g a - tively, b u t agreed to talk t h e m a t t e r over with a counselor. T h e c o u n - selor asked the m a n w h a t h e h o p e d t o get from t h e m e e t i n g . H e laughed halfheartedly a n d said, " A n aha! e x p e r i e n c e ! "
T h e c o u n s e l o r asked the w o m a n w h a t she h a d t o offer t h a t w o u l d m a k e h e r former h u s b a n d interested in living with h e r again. S h e said t h a t she h a d n ' t really t h o u g h t a b o u t w h a t she h a d to offer, a n d was u n a b l e t o answer convincingly. N o t surprisingly, t h e m a n r e m a i n e d cautious a n d u n c o m m i t t e d .
T h e c o u n s e l o r suggested that she m u s t , first of all, recognize t h a t she h a d caused h e r e x - h u s b a n d p a i n , a n d t h e n give h i m cause t o
believe that she was p r e p a r e d t o m a k e reparations. T h e w o m a n t h o u g h t it over for a while, a n d t h e n looked directly at h e r f o r m e r h u s b a n d , a n d said convincingly, " I ' m truly sorry for w h a t I did to you. I w a n t to be y o u r wife again, a n d I will love you a n d care for you so that you will be h a p p y a n d so that y o u c a n trust m e . "
T h e m a n r e m a i n e d n o n c o m m i t t a l . T h e counselor said t o h i m , " I t m u s t have h u r t you a lot a n d you d o n ' t w a n t to risk a repeat." T h e m a n h a d tears i n his eyes a n d the counselor c o n t i n u e d , " A p e r s o n like you, to w h o m s o m e t h i n g painful was d o n e , often feels morally superior a n d a s s u m e s t h e right to reject the other;" He a d d e d , "Against s u c h i n n o c e n c e , a guilty p e r s o n has n o c h a n c e . " T h e m a n smiled a n d t u r n e d to his former wife.
" T h a t was your " a h a " experience. Pay m e m y fee," said t h e c o u n - selor, " a n d w h a t y o u m a k e o u t of your " a h a " is up to y o u . I d o n ' t even w a n t to know."
W h e n W e M u s t C a u s e P a i n
When one partner's action in an intimate relationship results in separation, we tend to believe that he or she made a free and inde- pendent choice. But it's often the case that, had that partner not acted, he or she would have suffered some injury. T h e n the roles would have been reversed, the guilt and consequences exchanged. Perhaps the separation was necessary because the soul required, more space to grow, and the one who left was already suffering. In such situations, suffering is unavoidable. Our choices are limited to acting so that something constructive emerges out of the unavoid- able pain we must cause or suffer. Often partners stay in a painful situation until they have suffered enough to compensate for the pain their leaving will cause the other.
When partners separate, it isn't only the one who goes who has a new chance. The one who is left often also has a chance to make a new beginning. But when one partner stays stuck in pain and rejects the constructive possibilities presented by the separation, he or she makes it difficult for the partner who left to start a new life. T h e n they remain tightly tied to each other in spite of their separation.
On the other hand, when the one who was left manages to accept the opportunity for something better, then he or she also grants the former partner freedom and relief. Making something truly good
2 4
ness in such situations because it reconciles even when the separa- tion remains.
S u b m i t t i n g t o Fate
People sometimes feel guilty when they gain some advantage at another's expense—even when they can do nothing to stop it or change it. Here are two examples.
My Advantage at Your Expense
' A b o y was b o r n , b u t his m o t h e r died. No o n e t h o u g h t of h o l d i n g t h e b o y responsible for his m o t h e r ' s d e a t h , b u t his k n o w l e d g e of his i n n o - , cence d i d n ' t assuage his feeling of guilt. Because fate h a d tied his b i r t h to his m o t h e r ' s d e a t h , t h e pressure of guilt r e m a i n e d inexorable, a n d h e unconsciously c r e a t e d f a i l u r e i n h i s l i f e i n a v a i n a t t e m p t t o a t o n e for s o m e t h i n g h e h a d n ' t d o n e .
Blowout
A m a n ' s car h a d a blowout, went into a skid, a n d c r a s h e d into a n o t h e r car. T h e driver of the second car was killed, b u t t h e first m a n lived. A l t h o u g h he h a d b e e n driving safely, his life r e m a i n e d tied to t h e d e a t h of t h e other m a n and he c o u l d n ' t escape his feelings of guilt. He was u n a b l e to enjoy his success until he c a m e to see that t h e d e c e a s e d m a n was d e m e a n e d b y his misery, n o t h o n o r e d .
We're helpless against such guilt and innocence at the hands of chance and happenstance. If we were guilty or we deserved a reward because of our freely chosen actions, we would retain power and influence. But in these situations, we recognize that we're subject to forces we can't control, forces that decide whether we live or die, are saved or perish, thrive or decline—independently of our actions for good or evil.
Such vulnerability to happenstance is so frightening to many people that they prefer to spoil their unearned good fortune and to repudiate the bounty of life rather than to accept it gracefully. They often attempt to create personal guilt or to accumulate good deeds after the fact in order to escape the vulnerability to unearned rescue or undeserved suffering.
It's c o m m o n for persons who have an advantage at the cost of another to try to limit their advantage by committing suicide,
Guilt, Innocence, and the Limits of Conscience
b e c o m i n g ill, or by doing s o m e t h i n g to m a k e themselves t r u l y guilty, a n d t h e n suffering the c o n s e q u e n c e s . All such s o l u t i o n s are c o n n e c t e d to magical thinking a n d they are a childlike f o r m of d e a l - ing w i t h u n e a r n e d g o o d f o r t u n e . T h e y actually increase guilt r a t h e r t h a n d i m i n i s h it. F o r e x a m p l e , w h e n a child—as in t h e e x a m p l e a b o v e — w h o s e m o t h e r died at t h e child's b i r t h later limits his or h e r h a p p i n e s s or c o m m i t s suicide, t h e n the m o t h e r ' s sacrifice was for n o t h i n g , a n d she's implicitly m a d e responsible for t h e d e a t h of h e r child as well.
If t h e child could have said, " M o t h e r , your d e a t h shall n o t have b e e n in vain. I will m a k e s o m e t h i n g o u t of my life in m e m o r y of you, b e c a u s e I know its value," t h e n the pressure of guilt at t h e h a n d of fate c o u l d have b e c o m e a force for good, allowing the child to r e a c h goals impossible for o t h e r s . T h e n the m o t h e r ' s d e a t h w o u l d have had a good effect a n d c o u l d have b r o u g h t t h e child p e a c e for a long t i m e .
H e r e , t o o , everyone involved is subject to a p r e s s u r e t o w a r d e q u i - l i b r i u m — w h o e v e r h a s received s o m e t h i n g from fate w a n t s to give b a c k in kind, or w h e n that's n o t possible, t h e n at least to c o m p e n - sate with failure. B u t these r e m a i n vain a t t e m p t s , as destiny is utterly indifferent t o o u r d e m a n d s a n d a t t e m p t s a t c o m p e n s a t i o n s a n d r e s t i t u t i o n .