of Family
T h e f o u n d a t i o n o f family i s t h e sexual a t t r a c t i o n b e t w e e n a m a n a n d a w o m a n . W h e n a m a n desires a w o m a n , h e desires w h a t h e , a s m a n , n e e d s a n d d o e s n o t h a v e . W h e n a w o m a n desires a m a n , s h e , t o o , d e s i r e s w h a t s h e , a s w o m a n , i s m i s s i n g . M a l e a n d female f o r m a c o m p l e m e n t a r y p a i r o f p a r t n e r s w h o m u t u a l l y define a n d c o m p l e t e o n e a n o t h e r . E a c h i s w h a t t h e o t h e r n e e d s , a n d e a c h n e e d s w h a t t h e o t h e r is. If love is to s u c c e e d , we m u s t give w h a t we a r e and t a k e from o u r p a r t n e r w h a t w e n e e d . G i v i n g o u r s e l v e s , t a k i n g a n d h a v i n g o u r p a r t n e r , w e b e c o m e m a n o r w o m a n , a n d w i t h h i m o r h e r , w e b e c o m e a c o u p l e . T h e e x p r e s s i o n o f love i n sexual i n t i m a c y , a n d s o m e t i m e s t h e a c t o f s e x u a l i n t e r c o u r s e a l o n e , often b o n d s p a r t n e r s t o e a c h o t h e r w h e t h e r t h e y w a n t i t o r n o t . I t i s n ' t i n t e n t i o n o r c h o i c e t h a t e s t a b - lishes t h e b o n d , b u t t h e physical act itself. T h i s d y n a m i c c a n b e o b s e r v e d i n t h e s e n s e o f p r o t e c t i v e n e s s t h a t s o m e r a p e a n d i n c e s t v i c t i m s feel t o w a r d t h e p e r p e t r a t o r s , a n d i n t h o s e c a s u a l s e x u a l e n c o u n t e r s t h a t leave lifelong t r a c e s .O u r shyness in naming and affirming this most intimate aspect of
a couple's relationship is related to the fact that sexual passion is still regarded in some circles as being demeaning and undignified. Nevertheless, sexual consummation is the greatest possible human
I act. No other human action is more in harmony with the order and
the richness of life, expresses more fully our participation in the wholeness of the world, or brings with it such profound pleasure and, in its consequences, such loving suffering. No other act brings such rewards or entails greater risks, demands more from us, and makes us so wise, knowing, and human as when we take each other, know each other, and belong to each other in love. In comparison, all other human actions seem merely a prelude, an encore, a solace, or a consequence—an impoverished imitation.
T h e sexual expression of love is also our most humble action. N o w h e r e else do we expose ourselves so completely, uncovering our
deepest vulnerability. We don't guard anything else with such deep shame as this inner place where partners show each other their most intimate selves and give those selves into each other's keeping.
T h r o u g h the sexual expression of love, both men and women leave
their mothers and fathers and "cleave" to one another—as the B i b l e describes it—and they become one flesh.
W h e t h e r we like it or not, the special and, in a very deep sense,
indissoluble bond between partners arises out of, and is the result of, their sexual union. O n l y this act makes them a couple, and only this act can make them parents. F o r this reason, if their sexuality is limited in some way—for example, by inhibitions or by one part- ner's having been sterilized—the bond doesn't form completely, even if the couple desires it. T h i s is also true of platonic partner- ships in which partners avoid the risks of sexuality and confront less guilt and responsibility if they separate. O n c e partners have estab- lished a bond by sharing sexual intimacy, separation without hurt and guilt is no longer possible. T h e y no longer can walk away as if their togetherness didn't exist. A l t h o u g h this bonding causes hard- ship for parents who separate, it also protects their children from capricious or self-centered separations.
T h e crucial role that sexuality plays in a couple's bonding
makes apparent the supremacy of the flesh over the spirit, as well as the wisdom of the flesh. We may be tempted to devalue the flesh in comparison with the spirit, as if that which is done out of physi- cal need, desire, longing, and sexual love has less value than what
Man and Woman: The Foundation of Family
w e g a i n t h r o u g h r e a s o n a n d m o r a l will. P h y s i c a l d e s i r e n e v e r t h e - less d e m o n s t r a t e s its p o w e r , a n d s o m e t i m e s its w i s d o m , a t t h e p o i n t a t w h i c h r e a s o n a n d m o r a l i t y r e a c h t h e i r l i m i t s a n d r e c o i l D e s i r e still rises t o s e r v e after r e a s o n ' s c o l d c o n s t r a i n t s h a v e w e a - r i e d o r g r o w n c a l l o u s . T h e h i g h e r r e a s o n a n d t h e d e e p e r m e a n i n g t h a t a r i s e o u t o f o u r i n s t i n c t u a l p h y s i c a l u r g e s o v e r p o w e r a n d c o n - t r o l r a t i o n a l i t y a n d will. T h e y a r e c l o s e r t o t h e h e a r t o f life a n d a r e m o r e e n d u r i n g .
The Spirit Is Willing, the Flesh Is Wise
Some say that body in comparison to Spirit —is less.
As if that done in longing and sexual desire —were less
than that chosen out of Reason and by Moral Will. But desire displays
courage and wisdom when Will and Reason cower and shrink and dare not to serve Life. In the Desire of the Flesh
hides a higher reason and burns a deeper meaning outshining rationality and
overpowering the will.
Desire is closer to the Heart of life, more obedient,
and more enduring.
It is the flesh that rules the will. I say,
The Spirit is willing, but The Flesh is Wise.
Additional Considerations
Hellinger's insistence on the creative a n d life-affirming n a t u r e of sexual desire contrasts sharply with t h e views of those w h o consider "desires of the flesh" to be a n u i s a n c e or even sinful, a n d also with t h e views of those w h o see sexuality merely as a pleasure u n c o n - n e c t e d t o p a r e n t h o o d .
" M a l e " a n d " f e m a l e " d e n o t e — a m o n g other t h i n g s — t h e physi- ological specialization necessary for procreation. In this sense, m a l e a n d female need o n e another, c o m p l e m e n t a n d complete o n e another, b u t it would be a grave error to r e d u c e maleness a n d femaless to this biological d i m e n s i o n alone. Nevertheless, o u r p s y c h o t h e r a p e u t i c w o r k shows that p e o p l e w h o downplay or ignore its i m p o r t a n c e regu- larly e n c o u n t e r difficulty in their intimate relationships. W h e n H e l l - inger speaks of t h e sexual expression of love b e t w e e n a m a n a n d a w o m a n , he isn't excluding or discounting other forms of loving, sexual relationships, b u t he is insisting on h o n o r i n g this inescapable aspect of p a r e n t h o o d .
Increasing n u m b e r s of m e n a n d w o m e n are living in n o n t r a d i - tional families. T h e r e are singles a n d couples w h o n e i t h e r have n o r desire children, just as there are m e n w h o desire m e n a n d w o m e n w h o desire w o m e n . F a c e d with a p o p u l a t i o n explosion, n a t u r e increasingly d e m a n d s a n d s u p p o r t s couples foregoing p a r e n t h o o d , providing t h e m with alternative expressions of h u m a n n e s s a n d love. Still, m a n y people with w h o m we have worked feel a painful loss at foregoing p a r e n t h o o d a n d work h a r d to accept their loss w i t h o u t m i n i m i z i n g it, to find lifestyles that b r i n g m e a n i n g a n d t h e d e e p sat- isfaction of soul that c o m e automatically to p a r e n t s in a healthy fam- ily. W h e n they s u c c e e d , they k n o w that they serve a n d are s u p p o r t e d by life in what they d o , a n d participate fully in its b o u n t y a n d m y s - tery. Still, m a n y c o n t i n u e to look wistfully at families with children a n d do w o n d e r w h a t it w o u l d have b e e n like to have b e e n p a r e n t s . T h i s is especially t r u e as they grow older a n d a p p r o a c h d e a t h . T h e i r loss—no m a t t e r h o w appropriate—is a heavy b u r d e n a n d deserves full a c k n o w l e d g m e n t a n d appreciation. H . B .
C A R I N G F O R D E S I R E
If the sexual desires of one of the partners aren't reciprocated, he or she is in a weak position because the other has the power to reject. Although the one who meets a desire needn't take any risks, he or she appears to be stronger. The one who desires appears to be needy and taking rather than generous and giving, and the one who meets
t h e desire a l t h o u g h h e o r she m a y b e loving, a p p e a r s t o give a n d t o h e l p w i t h o u t t a k i n g . I n this d y n a m i c , t h e o n e w h o desires m u s t feel grateful, a s t h o u g h h e o r she h a d t a k e n w i t h o u t h a v i n g given, a n d t h e o n e w h o w i t h h o l d s n e e d a n d m e e t s d e s i r e feels free, a n d p e r h a p s even s u p e r i o r , a s t h o u g h his o r h e r giving involved n o t a k i n g .
S o m e p a r t n e r s h o l d o n t o t h e p o w e r a n d s u p e r i o r i t y o f b e i n g t h e giver, b u t t h e y d a m a g e t h e i r t o g e t h e r n e s s . F o r a r e l a t i o n s h i p t o s u c c e e d over t i m e , t h e risk o f r e j e c t i o n , a s well a s t h e joys a n d p l e a s u r e s o f g i v i n g , m u s t b e s h a r e d . D e s i r i n g i s still difficult for m a n y w o m e n b e c a u s e t h e y m u s t b r e a k s t r o n g c u l t u r a l t a b o o s , a n d t h e y still m a y b e r e j e c t e d o r feared a t f i r s t w h e n t h e y e x p o s e t h e i r d e s i r e . N e v e r t h e l e s s , i n t h e r a p y , s o m e t h i n g i n t e r e s t i n g o f t e n h a p - p e n s w h e n a w o m a n tells h e r m o t h e r , " S o m e t i m e s I c a n h a r d l y w a i t t o m a k e love w i t h m y h u s b a n d " — e v e n i f s h e says i t o n l y i n h e r i m a g i n a t i o n . P a r t n e r s w h o c a r e for desire c a n a g r e e t h a t w h e n t h e m o s t i n t i - m a t e self of o n e is o p e n a n d v u l n e r a b l e — a s it is w h e n d e s i r e is e x p o s e d — t h e n t h e o t h e r m u s t r e s p e c t t h e d e s i r e , e v e n i f h e o r s h e d o e s n ' t fulfill it. We a r e especially v u l n e r a b l e w h e n we d e s i r e , so a p a r t n e r s h o u l d n ' t have t o risk a h u m i l i a t i n g r e j e c t i o n w h e n h e o r she feels a n d e x p r e s s e s desire. I f c o u p l e s h o n o r t h i s , t h e y c a n risk d e s i r i n g a g a i n , a n d t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p c a n achieve d e p t h a n d i n t i - m a c y . B o t h m u s t d e s i r e , a n d e a c h m u s t t r e a t t h e o t h e r ' s d e s i r e s w i t h r e s p e c t a n d love. W h e n sexuality serves t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p a s well a s b e i n g its goal, b o t h t h e sexuality a n d t h e loving p a r t n e r s h i p a r e d e e p e r , freer, a n d m o r e a u t h e n t i c .
B e c a u s e b o t h m e n a n d w o m e n fear s u c h p r o f o u n d n e e d w i t h t h e n a k e d d e p e n d e n c y i t i m p l i e s a n d t h e d a n g e r o f d e v a s t a t i n g rejec- t i o n , m a n y p e o p l e seek t o d e v e l o p t h e o p p o s i t e g e n d e r w i t h i n t h e m - selves. M e n seek t o b e c o m e like w o m e n , a s i f t h e y c o u l d b e w o m e n , a n d w o m e n seek t o b e c o m e like m e n , a s i f t h e y c o u l d b e m e n . I f t h e y s u c c e e d i n t h i s , t h e y n o l o n g e r n e e d a p a r t n e r , a n d t h e i r r e l a - t i o n s h i p b e c o m e s essentially a m a t t e r of c o n v e n i e n c e . In o r d e r for a p a r t n e r s h i p b e t w e e n a m a n a n d a w o m a n to fulfill its p r o m i s e , t h e m a n m u s t b e a m a n a n d t h e w o m a n m u s t b e a w o m a n . I n p a r t n e r s h i p s b e t w e e n a m a n a n d a w o m a n , s h e r e m a i n s i n t e r e s t e d i n h i m only w h e n h e i s a m a n a n d r e m a i n s o n e , a n d t h e reverse is t r u e for h i m . T h i s m e a n s t h a t a m a n w h o desires to love a w o m a n a s his e q u a l p a r t n e r m u s t p r e s e r v e his n e e d for h e r b y p r e - s e r v i n g his i n c o m p l e t e n e s s . I n s t e a d o f d e v e l o p i n g t h e f e m i n i n e i n
himself, he m u s t allow his p a r t n e r to offer it to h i m as a gift, a n d he m u s t t a k e from h e r t h e f e m i n i n e s h e offers. A w o m a n w h o desires t o love a m a n m u s t also a c c e p t t h e m a s c u l i n e from h e r p a r t n e r . W h e n a m a n a n d a w o m a n b o t h w a n t a n d n e e d w h a t t h e o t h e r h a s , a n d h a v e w h a t t h e o t h e r n e e d s a n d w a n t s , t h e n t h e y a r e e q u a l i n t h e i r i n c o m p l e t e n e s s — a n d i n t h e i r ability t o give. W h e n b o t h r e s p e c t t h e i r l i m i t a t i o n s a n d p r e s e r v e t h e i r n e e d , t h e i r m u t u a l n e e d s c o m p l e m e n t a n d c o m p l e t e o n e a n o t h e r , a n d t h e i r giving a n d t a k i n g s t r e n g t h e n t h e i r b o n d . T h i s s y s t e m i c view i s exactly t h e o p p o s i t e o f t h e p o p u l a r i d e a t h a t m e n s h o u l d d e v e l o p t h e f e m i n i n e i n t h e m s e l v e s a n d t h a t w o m e n s h o u l d d e v e l o p t h e i r m a s c u l i n e p o t e n t i a l . P e r s o n s w h o d o s o d o n ' t n e e d a p a r t n e r t o give t h e m w h a t t h e y ' r e m i s s i n g , a n d t h e y often p r e f e r to live a l o n e .
The Basso Continuo
A couple's relationship is conducted like a baroque concert: a variety of the most beautiful melodies rings in the upper register, and below, a basso continuo supports and leads the melodies and gives them weight and depth. In a couple's relationship, the basso continuo is: "I take you, I take you, I take you, I take you to be my wife, I take you to be my husband. I take you to myself and give myself to you with love."