Inversión de la Cuenca Extensional de Abanico en el Neógeno Superior

There’s nothing wrong with saying yes, doing favors, or taking on responsibili- ties. Problems arise, though, if you do these things because you can’t say no or don’t know how to do so. Here are some things to keep in mind for those times when you wish to say no. Place a checkmark beside the skills you most need to practice. Then emphasize the ones you checked when you carry out the exer- cises at the end of the chapter.

o Use assertive body posture. Use direct eye contact, keep your head up, shoulders back, hands relaxed or gesturing normally, and voice calm and loud enough to be heard. If you communicate “no” with your words and fear or “maybe” with your body, people will believe the message of your body and push harder.

o Decide on your position before you speak. If you’re not sure what your answer is, don’t answer yet. Decide exactly what you are and are not willing to do. If you’re wishy-washy or uncertain, you invite others to push you into a “yes” response. If necessary, ask for a few days to think about it.

o Wait for the question. Some people agree before they are even asked! Here’s an example. Distant acquaintance: “Gosh, I’m not sure how I’m

going to get there. . . .” You: “Oh, I’ll drive you.” If this is one of your

stumbling blocks, then even a hint is enough to get you to volunteer your time. This is convenient for the other person because they don’t

owe you anything—after all, they didn’t ask you for the favor, you vol- unteered. Volunteering is just fine—when you choose to do it. But if you find yourself volunteering more than you would like and feeling weighed down by too many of the resulting obligations, force yourself to wait for the request. For one thing, requests tend to be fewer than hints. For another, waiting forces others to take responsibility for their requests. “Gosh, I’m not sure how I’m going to get there. . . .” (Silence.)

“Would you mind driving me there?” “OK.” This is one of those interest-

ing occasions in which the assertive thing to do is simply to keep your mouth shut for a while.

o Decide on your wording. Think through not only what you want to say but also how you want to say it. Otherwise you are much more likely to stammer, wander about, and invite a challenge. Be clear about your answer. Don’t leave your questioner wondering what you really mean. If you mean to say no, don’t say, “I’m not sure if . . .” or “Maybe later

sometime. . . .” Instead, word it clearly: “No, I’m not willing to do that.”

o Don’t apologize when it isn’t necessary. Apologies put you in the debt of the person asking you to do something. They suggest that the other person is entitled to expect you to grant the favor. Is that the message you want to give? If not, avoid lines like “I’m sorry but I really can’t . . .” or “I really should but. . . .”

o Don’t defend yourself or make excuses when it isn’t necessary. Offer- ing excuses about why you can’t fulfill the request is usually dishonest. It’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you choose not to do it. Giving excuses also invites the other person to help you find a way around the barrier: “You can’t because you have to have the car serviced? No problem,

you can do that tonight at a garage I know, then you’ll be free to drive me tomorrow.”

o Don’t ask permission to say no. Remember that you have the right to say no. You don’t have to ask permission. If you do ask permission, it tells the other person that they are in charge of your behavior, not you. Wrong message. Avoid saying, “Would it be okay if I didn’t . . .” or “Will

you be annoyed if I say no?”

o Strengthen your position. Don’t expect that people will accept your refusal the first time you turn them down—especially if you’ve been saying yes for years. Be ready for them to push again, and respond with a refusal that is just as strong or stronger. Don’t sound like you’re weakening. “No, as I’ve said, I’m not willing to do that.” “Again, I’m not

willing to do that.” “No.”

o The broken record technique. Don’t feel you have to rephrase your response every time you give it. Doing so may cause the person making the request to believe you are weakening. “Eventually he’ll run out of

ways of saying no, then he’ll say yes.” You don’t have to find the magic

words that will satisfy the other person. Using a response once doesn’t wear it out. If you keep repeating the same message, eventually they’ll hear it. “No, I’m not willing to do that.” “No, I’m not willing to do that.”

“No, I’m not willing to do that.” Worried that this will sound odd?

Doesn’t matter. It won’t sound as odd as you think. At any rate, the fear of sounding odd is a trap that can keep you in the control of others. o Don’t wait for acceptance. You don’t have to convince others to accept your refusal or agree with it. “You don’t see why I can’t? Let’s see if I can

explain it better. . . .” This assumes that you have the right to say no only

if you can convince others to see your point. If you keep explaining yourself every time they repeat the request, then you are saying that they have the ultimate power. They don’t. You do. “I can see that you

don’t agree. Nevertheless, that’s my decision.”

o Accept the consequences. You have the right to say no, but others have the right not to like it. In fact, others are entitled to think you are incon- siderate or unreasonable. Sometimes they may be right. When you say no, there might be unpleasant consequences in the way that others react. Recognize and accept this. Uncle Frank might really be offended if you say he can’t stay at your home all next spring. He’s allowed to feel whatever he feels.