Authenticity relates to the participants getting to know themselves and engaging in a
relationship with themselves. Authenticity relates to what one implicitly knows about oneself, including one’s unconscious knowledge and the concept of oneself held in mind, according to Wallin (2007). The participants appear to notice their self- awareness developing through their participation in their therapeutic groups.
Gerry describes how he experiences his self-awareness emerging within his therapeutic group.
Gerry: Just kind of a connection to myself. A deeper connection to
understanding about the condition. And connecting inward, and really focusing thoughts and putting into words my experience, sharing it, sharing it within the group. So that was probably a big thing I think (116-19).
Gerry reflects on seemingly new awareness about himself emerging since he attended his group as he engages with the effects of his mental illness. He describes a sense of connection to himself, noticing that he can express his inner thoughts and emotions to his group peers.
Gerry reflects on his experience of being sectioned against his will.
Gerry: Some really horrific things that happened to me, in my 10 years within
that hospital (37-8). Psychological and psychiatric rape actions. Can be held down by nurses and my trousers pulled down and injected. In some circles it is known as that (39-40). Totally without your consent. It’s a complete violation. It’s extreme (47-8). Having it happen to me was humiliating (48). It was quite yeah scary, horrendous; you know extremely frightening (61).
Gerry reflects on offloading aspects of his traumatic experience to his group peers, initially using a third-person description as though he may be distancing himself from the trauma, and then he using first-person direct speech to describe his feelings about being sectioned. Gerry describes the violence tainting how he regarded himself. He speaks very fast, suggesting he may still feel anger at the way he perceives he was defiled by mental health professionals.
Gerry reflects on his changing relationship with himself as he began attending his therapy group.
Gerry: When I first started I had no avenues of confidence, I was shattered
personally. I was fractures (201-2).
Gerry recalls that through attending his group he feels he has begun to reconnect with fragmented parts of himself, noticing he relates to himself differently, perhaps in a more attuned way, becoming aware of aspects of himself which once were obscured.
Gerry reflects on his recent experiences of his therapy group.
Gerry: Men my age, sharing stuff that they cry. They kind of get really
emotional. You know, I do less of that now I’m understanding more the experience (324-6). I learn from lessons within them (326). Not a real conscious kind of thing, just kind of lighter, kind of less of a load on the back
(285). I’m liking myself more doing well and for having found the different
things of recovery (403). Less frightening times (940).
Gerry notices how his awareness has changed since he attended his group, and that he negotiates his mental illness symptoms by managing his fear. Gerry’s metaphor of having a load on his back suggested to me an image of Sisyphus who pushed a heavy stone uphill only to have it roll down and the whole process begin again, with Gerry perhaps using all his effort to process his distress, only to become aware of other painful feelings emerging during his group. He appears to regard himself as less distressed now and the ‘lightness’ may suggest he has begun to process some difficult emotional awareness about himself. Gerry reflects on how these subtle changes appear to help him feel positive about himself and acknowledge his progress.
Andre notices how attending his group helps him to be himself, describing his new awareness about the way he relates to himself.
Andre: My mind, body, spirit and soul are all getting connected together as
one, as a group (488). There is something happening in me that is really coming out, really blossoming well (574). There’s been a lot of things inside I’ve been wanting to get, but it’s been stuck in there (585). Because this is what happens when you get this mental, this mental stuff. There’s nothing to, maybe it’s a part of paranoia (576-7).
Andre reflects on his changing perspective of himself since attending his group, appearing to notice getting in touch with parts of himself that were detached and ‘inside’. He recognises the relatedness of his thoughts and feelings on how he perceives himself, noticing he has changed, expressing a sense of being liberated from something which had appeared ‘stuck’ or blocked inside him, and perhaps letting go of something unpleasant or constraining. Andre describes himself ‘blossoming’, suggesting the imagery of blossom coming to life and bursting into colour from dark wood branches after the dullness of winter, perhaps seeming transformational. It brought to mind how Andre’s group appears to enrich his experience of himself, allowing brightness to emerge from within him, perhaps
illustrating that he senses attending his group has changed his awareness of himself.
Andre: It’s like I’ve been put on a level that has to be, has to be opened up
by my conscious feelings, by being supported, and by making me feel, making me understand that I could be competent, I could be confident enough to let myself go (582-4).
Andre appears to highlight his new awareness of emotions that he was unable to access before attending his group, suggesting that with the group’s support he is getting to know himself authentically. Andre notices his self-confidence and agency developing, which he finds positive and liberating. Andre suggests he is more able to accomplish things than before he attended his group. He seems to have a realisation that his present situation is undetermined by his past saying ‘let myself
go’ suggesting a defining moment on his journey of self-discovery.
David explores his experiences of attending his voice hearing group.
David: It’s a nice feeling. It was ‘at last other people to relate to who have
similar difficulties’ {sighs}. I’d never been in a voice hearing group. I very rarely talked about it outside of the psychiatric circles (189-191). That’s another thing about groups: they’re not judgemental if you feel secure (217). It all relates to trauma in early life (219). It takes a lot of the anxiety completely that I end up hearing now (341-2).
David describes his relief at being able to discuss his voice hearing in his group with other voice hearers. He describes relating to his voices differently as he now relates to himself less anxiously, perhaps embracing himself as a voice hearer and moderating his fear into acceptance since attending his group.
3.4.1.1 Summary of Authenticity
Since attending their therapy groups, Andre, Gerry and David appear to experience the processing of their mental health trauma and seem to have developed self- awareness, changing their outlook of themselves to one of compassion and self- belief. The participants notice insights and the ability to reflect on aspects of themselves that were not known but have emerged during their attendance at their groups. The participants appear to utilise their groups to moderate some of the socially debilitating constraints of their mental illness symptoms. They value their progress, focusing on their mental health improvements and acknowledging subtle ways in which they have developed personal control through their agency. Since attending their groups the participants appear to regard themselves less critically and more holistically. The section now turns to consider the subordinate theme Self-
acceptance.