Don’t allow yourself to be continually haunted by the ghosts of a marriage that failed.
Why do many divorced people mentally live in the past?
-thinking and talking about past hurts helps us heal
-we are confused about our divorce and we try to understand it
-we really don’t want to let our ex go because there is an odd security in the relationship even if it was not a good one
-our future may seem so bleak or uncertain, that it feels better in
the past
-distant memories are likely more pleasant than recent ones
-we’re stuck and don’t know how to move forward
When you get a divorce, thinking about it, telling your divorce story and getting compassion from others does help you heal – up to a point. But if you continue to live in the old life, you will never heal and progress to a new happy fulfilled life.
Here are some steps to help you move forward and become unstuck:
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Stop asking people and talking about what your ex is doing
Letting go is very hard. One of the ways you may hang on is by trying to find out everything your ex is doing. Who is she dating?
Where is he living? What has she bought? What is he telling people about me? Etc. Etc. Etc.
You may try to get information by asking friends to tell you, quiz your children or spy yourself on the activities of your ex. Realize that this behavior is guaranteed to keep you perpetually upset. If you want to move on, you have to be willing to accept that you are no longer a part of the life of your ex and vice versa.
Action:
Stop any activity to get current information about your ex. Discourage any friends or family from telling you. They may want to gossip about it. Let them know upfront not to mention anything they know. Who do you need to speak with to ask them to keep such gossip to themselves?
How can you stop talking about what your ex is currently doing?
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Let go of regrets
Regret = a sense of loss and longing for something gone. Whether you were responsible in a large or small way for the end of your marriage, it is gone. Learn so you avoid repeat mistakes, but don’t waste time beating yourself up.
Action:
Bring all your regrets out in the open by thinking about what you regret doing or not doing in your marriage. Also, what regrets do you have about what your ex did or didn’t do? List them all below. Acknowledge them and then begin to let them go.
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Stop overanalyzing
We divorced people have a knack for reviewing things in the past over and over in our mind. This is a waste of time. It changes nothing and just keeps us stuck in the past.
Action:
What are the subjects that you review constantly? Most of them probably begin with the word “why.” Keep a running list of the things you mull over more than a few times. Ask yourself: Am I going to know the answers to these? Will I be able to figure this out? Will it really make any difference to my life if I did? - Likely not.
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Stop telling your divorce story
Heal but don’t get stuck dwelling on the past after a reasonable time period. You will know when you are getting better by how often you tell your divorce story or some part of it. You can drive away caring friends by perpetual negative stories.
Action:
During the first year of your divorce, storytelling helps you heal and receive sympathy. However, after that time begin to monitor how often you are telling your story and to how many people. Make a conscious effort to refrain from talk about “My divorce.” If need be, ask your friends to help you by reminding you not to do this when you slip. You will find that if you follow this advice, it will force you to begin to talk, think and act in the present.
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Focus just on today
Live one day at a time. Before you attempt to plan for your future, you need to learn to live one day at a time. This will help you stay in the present and leave the past.
Action:
Catch yourself during the day if you shift to thinking about the past.
Likewise, don’t worry about what will happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. At this stage, just acknowledge that you don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but you can get through this day. For some people, keeping a journal helps them stay focused on today.
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Live a balanced day
Depression, hopelessness, or helplessness can cause some divorced people to go into hibernation or become frozen. Living in the present in this mode is harmful. Instead have a plan each morning to give you encouragement.
Action:
Begin each day with a plan for the day containing a balanced mix of work, recreation and accomplishment toward solving your divorce created problems and reestablishing yourself as a single person.
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Don’t make divorce a hobby or career
Some people dedicate their lives to a continual quest to recover from their divorce. We have had a few divorce workshop attendees come year after year. Others establish their new identity as “a divorced person” and seek out like-minded divorced people to commiserate with about the injury done to them from their divorce.
Action:
Healing from divorce takes time. But don’t allow your divorce to become who you are and what you do long term. Commit to allowing two years to heal, but monitor your progress so that the topic of divorce becomes less frequent in your life. Make sure some of your new single friends are not recently divorced so you have interests other than divorce.
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Questions for Step 7: How to Live in the Present and Let Go of the Past
Q. What percentage of the time do you think or talk about the past vs.
the present?
Q. What percentage of the time do you spend analyzing why your marriage failed, why your ex left or why you or he/she did what you did? Will you ever know the answers? Is this just a frustrating waste of time?
Q. Do you have regrets about your marriage or your ex that are keeping you stuck? Can you change any of that now?
Q. How is the experience of “telling your divorce story” healing vs. just keeping you angry and stuck in the past? What can you do to talk about your divorce and your ex less often?
Q. When you recognize that you can’t change the past and can’t know the future, you can begin to focus exclusively on the present? What steps can you take to ‘live one day at a time’ and think just about today?
Q. Are you in a state of hibernation? Do you feel so depressed that you are frozen? What baby steps can you identify that you can begin to take to move you forward?
Q. Is your daily activity balanced – work, recreation, accomplishment, fun, etc.? What changes do you need to make to have better balanced days?
Q. If you have been divorced for a couple of years or more, why is divorce still a topic in your life? What is preventing you from healing and getting closure? Are you using divorce as your identity? Are you
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making divorce a hobby or a career? Are you mainly around friends who are divorced and who still complain about it? Are these people keeping you tied to divorce?
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