In order to move forward and benefit from being single again, you have to accept and adapt to your new identity.
Accept that we all have the freedom to fail
No one goes through life without making mistakes or having some bad things happen to us. Don’t let your divorce make you think of yourself as a loser. Remember, half of all married people get a divorce.
Action:
Commit to reinforcing your self-perception that you are a winner and not a failure. Your marriage failed, not you. Love requires risk and it sometimes does not work out. Think about the friends and relatives you have and the mistakes they made - all humans do. Whenever you think of the negative failure thoughts, immediately shift to thinking about all the things that make you a winner. List all the things you have done in your life where you have been successful. You have the freedom to fail.
51
Don’t keep living in the role of the old identity
Many divorced people stay in denial hoping their ex will return, talking as if they are still married, wearing their wedding ring, and even refraining from telling family, friends or co-workers about the divorce.
Action:
Look in the mirror every day and repeat to yourself: “I am divorced, I am single” Take whatever actions are necessary for you to fully accept and show the world that your marriage is over. If you don’t, you cannot progress to live a new identity. What steps have you taken to show yourself and others around you that you are divorced – single again?
52
Accept that being single is not an inferior status
More than half of the adults in the U.S. are single, widowed or divorced. You can be just as happy and fulfilled as a single person as you can a married person. In fact, you have more control of your life now that you don’t have to include another person’s wishes in your plans and actions.
Action:
Do you think you will be less happy as a single person? Why? What would make you happy? Write a list of the things that would make you happy as a single person. This should include short term as well as longer term things. Dream big!
53
Find some new single/divorced friends
There are many things your married friends cannot do with you.
Other “same gender” single people can go with you to dinner, shows, plays, sporting events, clubs, dances, parties, singles groups even go on trips with you. Many of these are things that your married friends likely cannot do. To have a full social life, you need to meet single people.
Action:
Develop a plan to meet single people of your gender. Don’t be in search of opposite gender friends too quickly. If you are open and searching, you will find many single people your age at church, work, school, in organizations, in hobby groups, etc. Where will you look to meet them?
What single/divorced/widowed people do you know that you can contact? Are their things that are stopping you from reaching out to other single/divorced people?
54
Create some new experiences
Singledom affords freedoms that did not exist for you previously.
Use this newfound freedom to explore new adventures.
Action:
List some things that you like to do or would like to do that you never could do because of your ex. Look in the newspaper and internet for ideas – entertainment, travel, hobbies, new work, etc.
55
Build your new identity
Many people have their identities so tied to their marriage partner that they never develop their own identity.
Action:
Who are you now without your ex spouse? Write a brief paragraph describing who you are. Include what gifts, talents and interests you have that make you special.
I (Your name) am___________________________________________
56
Questions for Step 3: How to Accept Your New Identity as a Single Person
Q. Which stage of accepting your divorce are you in now: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance? How can you move forward and not be stuck there?
Q. What are the things you can control in your life now and the things you cannot? Are there people (like your ex) that you are trying to control where you are doomed to fail and just cause frustration for yourself?
Q. Which of these two statements best characterizes how you feel? - You failed. Your marriage failed.
Q. Are you doing anything that suggests that you are not a single/divorced person? What actions or thinking reflects that you have not accepted your new identity?
Q. Do you believe that being single is inferior to being married? Why?
Q. Have you made an effort to make some new friends who are single/divorced or do you spend time only with your old married friends? What would be some advantages of having some new friends that are not married?
Q. Have you made an effort to have some new experiences? What things can you do now that you could not do as a married person?
Q. Who are you without your husband/wife?
57