Depending on your role in your loved one’s life, their absence will have had different impacts. For those whose daily lives were more intertwined, you may have had to drastically change your routine and taken on more responsibilities. You may have even have had to put your life on hold in order to adjust to the new responsibilities. At times, this is frustrating and
overwhelming, however many have reported more independence and pride at taking on more responsibility (Orange, 2010). It can be empowering to run an entire household, take over a business, or fill a new role, even if temporary. It may feel like your new role is causing you to take a backseat and may have had less time for yourself, including hobbies and self-care. You may even lose your sense of self as you try and balance everything you need to balance. Without a stable sense of self, you may experience increased stress as you try and understand your own experience in addition to the experience of your veteran. It is important to find less time-
consuming ways to manage stress that will fit into your schedule and amongst your many roles. If your loved one has returned with injuries or trauma symptoms, you may be responsible for caregiving. They may need your help to do everyday things, further adding to your
responsibilities and changing your role in the relationship once again. Caregiving can be a delicate and challenging balance. Being available for their needs, while also trying to care for yourself, may lead to major sacrifices. Taking care of them may lead to increased tension and stress. If you do not manage your stress level or make time for your own needs, you may begin to lose compassion and even feel frustrated by the responsibility (Galovski & Lyons, 2004). There is also a possibility you begin to experience physical or psychology symptoms of distress, including muscle tension, anxiety, or depression (Dekel & Monson, 2010). Caring for yourself
may seem selfish at a time when your veteran is suffering, however, it is necessary in order to continue to support them in the ways that they need.
Grieving the Loss of the Old Relationship
When your veteran returns, it may feel as though you need to start over, learn about who they are now. At first, you may feel as though this is unfair, almost as if you lost a relationship you spent years, maybe decades building (Orange, 2010). You were not the one that made the choice to serve and now the relationship is uncertain, possibly leaving you feeling insecure or confused. Your feelings of frustration and loss do not mean you cannot also be immensely proud of their service and sacrifice at the same time. Both experiences can be present. But without acknowledging the negative feelings, and trying to understand them, you will not be able to appropriately understand or adapt to the new dynamics in the relationship.
Your attachment style is integral during times of grief and frustration in relationships. Remember, it forms in response to your environment and as a way to guarantee closeness with others, an important aspect of being human. Those with secure attachment will still experience sadness, loss, and frustration, but may be able to control their behavior and emotions more easily that those with insecure attachment styles. Anxious attachments may try to force the relationship back into the same place it was prior to their deployments. Your veteran may feel overwhelmed by this and may react with anger or by pulling away. Consider the story about Damon and how he reacted to his Aunt Joyce after she was upset he left dinner early. She expected Damon to be with the family in the same way now he did prior to his deployment and when he was different. She attempted to force it and he became upset and withdrew from her and the family.
If you are avoidantly attached, feeling as though you need to rebuild your relationship all over again may be overwhelming. You are more likely to shut down and withdraw. You may feel
as though it is pointless to deal with the stress and anxiety of learning about one another again. Instead of talking about important things, such as your relationship, you may choose to focus on superficial topics of conversation. Your veteran may feel like you are not interested or invested in the relationship. Consider John and Maria when he first returned home. They both chose to focus their attention on less meaningful topics, such as household tasks at first, as they did not know how to reconnect with one another. As a result, they began to lose their connection to one another. This changed once they made the effort to set aside time just for them. Over time, they opened up more and began to talk about more difficult topics. This brought them closer together and allowed Maria to learn more about his experiences. It also allowed John to understand Maria’s experience.
Accepting Changes as Lasting
A key factor to the rebuilding process is understanding the relationship with your veteran may never be the same as it was prior to their deployment (Orange, 2010). Their training and combat experience can change them in ways you may not be able to imagine until they come home. Both grief and trauma have a profound impact on the human soul. Your job, as a loved one, is to accept these changes, find the positives alongside the challenges, and move forward. Acceptance is not just for your veteran; it is for you as well. You need to be able to clearly see and understand the relationship before you are able to understand your own needs as well. Spend quality time with your veteran, in order to get to know them, and understand the new dynamics. Some changes you see following their return may be temporary, as they adjust to being home. Tap into your sense of patience before overreacting or expressing concerns early on, you are working towards building a lasting positive relationship.
Throughout her life, Lisa was always easy going and loved to joke around with family and friends. She was not easily bothered or offended. After returning from deployment, she seemed more serious and became upset about some small things easier. She was not as easy to joke around with. Lisa also seemed more high strung about her children. At first, this was
difficult for her friends and family because it seemed like such a drastic change in her personality. They could not interact with like they had in the past. As time passed, they learned to deal with the change and began to see that there were other positive changes. She seemed more responsible and focused on her career, which is beneficial for her kids and eventually allowed them to move out of her parents’ house. Over time, they settled into the relationship and adjusted to the
changes in her personality. They sometimes missed the easy-going jokester she was growing up, but respected the thoughtful, caring, and responsible person she grew to be out of deployment. Survivor’s Guilt
During deployment, the chances your loved one experienced the loss or injury of another service member, is high. They may feel guilty if they returned home relatively free of injury (Galovski & Lyons, 2004). This is often called Survivor’s Guilt. As the loved one of a veteran, this may be difficult to understand. It would be hard to imagine why they are not happy enough to be at home with their friends and family. Remember the strength of the bond between unit members, which makes sure they protect each other’s life. This bond also means they feel responsible for others’ lives. Therefore, when a unit member dies, or is injured, unexpectedly, they often feel guilt even if they could not have done anything to save them. Survivor’s Guilt does not mean they are not happy to be home with their close family and friends. They are grieving their loss with the added complication of feeling responsible. Try not to personalize their behavior and be patient as they work through their process. Consider that you both are
experiencing a sense of loss, and try to empathize with their experience from that perspective. It may be helpful to encourage them to join a support group as other veterans will be able to understand their feelings and emotions.
Chapter 7 - Supporting your Veteran’s Long-Term Transition