Most of this book has been dedicated to the loved ones of veterans in general, however, there will be unique challenges in specific relationships. This chapter is geared towards
your own unique relationship with your loved one has been impacted by experience in a combat zone.
Parents of Veterans
As the parents of a veteran, you have a unique relationship, you probably worry about them as your child but also understand they are adults, who may their own tough decisions. When your son or daughter returns from combat, it may be difficult not to worry about them. You likely spent the last year or more continually looking for updates about the war and waiting for your son or daughter to contact you (Armstrong et al., 2009). Now that they are home safe, you probably feel relieved and excited. You may also have some expectations about what it will be like to have them home. Before you decide what their return will look like, try and suspend some of your expectations, as they may be different from when they left.
Many of our service members are young men and women. As parents, it may seem like you were just watching them grow up, graduate high school, and choose to enlist. You may feel as though it is still your responsibility to care for them and make sure they are okay. Even if your child went straight from the home to basic training, they have likely changed significantly while deployed. They have learned technical skills, built self-esteem, witnessed horrific circumstances (Armstrong et al., 2009). They have grown up and are coming home as adults, who have
witnessed more than most during their whole lives. These horrific circumstances and the loss may have left a lasting impact on their heart and mind. As a parent, it may be difficult to understand how to interact with or support them during this time.
First, use healthy, assertive communication. To do this, you have to view them as an adult. Use I statements, rather than telling them how they feel or think. If you are giving
your discussions. Oftentimes, parents and children fall into the trap of communicating
emotionally or reacting based on their history. Consider the experiences they have had without you. Your son or daughter may feel uncomfortable and push back if you control conversations or expect them to follow your guidance. Try not to be force the issue of discussing their deployment if they aren’t ready. They will open up to you when they are ready, although there may be things that they are never ready to discuss. Although it is important to be respectful of their boundaries, you also need to know when they need help. If you are worried about their safety, you should consult with a professional. Consider the warning signs for stress, depression, PTSD, and other conditions discussed above.
If your son or daughter has their own family, they may want to settle in at home first and may have less time for you. Although you are important, they must consider their spouse or children after their time away. If you are nearby, you may be able to babysit so your son or daughter can spend alone time with their spouse and learn to reconnect. Consider other ways you can help ease to the transition in the home, such as helping out around the house or making meals for their family. This will take some pressure off of your child and their family and give you some time to spend with them as well.
It may be beneficial for you to seek your own support through individual counseling or other support programs. If you have developed support systems in their absence, continue to use those resources to support you during your child’s return home. Lisa’s parents really struggled with her deployment. They worried about her frequently and anxiously waited for her to contact them. While she was gone, they cared for her children, which was an added stress in their lives. A few months into her first deployment, they found a support group through the Veterans Administration. They made friends with other parents with children deployed and were able to
talk about their concerns. They also received tips about how to communicate what was
happening and where Lisa was to her young children. It provided an outlet to them so that they could deal appropriately with the loss of their daughter. When she returned, they continued to spend time with friends from the support group, which eased the transition process as well. They developed appropriate expectations by learning about potential challenges from other parents whose children had already returned. Although they still worried and had difficult days with Lisa’s children at home, they were able to deal with the challenges and handle their stress better. Romantic Relationships
Emotional intimacy. Deployment strains relationships between romantic partners, in many different ways (Bluestar Families, 2013). You have both grown and changed as you dealt with the challenges of deployment. When they come home, it may seem as though you do not know each other as well as before. You may feel like strangers in some ways or as though you are walking on eggshells around them. This can be very unsettling because this was someone who you once shared important moments and vulnerable feelings. Now, you may struggle to simply integrate them back into your daily life and have a normal conversation.
Relationships are complicated, even without deployment stress. It is likely you and your partner had difficulties prior to their deployment, as most relationships do. These challenges are probably still a part of your relationship and can complicate the return. It may not be necessary to address them in the beginning. You may need to put them on the back burner to adequately deal with new challenges. This could range from the stress of being apart, feelings of abandonment, PTSD, or serious physical injury. Use the knowledge you gained throughout this book to understand their perspective and experience. They will also benefit from understanding your experiences during their absence. Be prepared to discuss your challenges, as well as your growth
while they were gone. It will take time to reestablish the same sense of familiarity you once experienced, but if you are both committed, trust that it will happen. If you feel resentful or frustrated, it will likely come through in your statements. Be careful not to guilt or shame them while expressing yourself. Use I statements and whole messages to express emotions, thoughts, and needs in the relationship.
Your attachment style will be especially important in romantic relationships. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may have a hard time letting your partner back in. You may also struggle with opening up or being vulnerable during communication. If your partner has an anxious attachment style, they may need physical and emotional closeness you are not ready for. You may feel as though you are always trying to get your own space, may be overwhelmed much of the time. If you are anxiously attached, you may constantly worry their behavior indicates the end of your relationship, leading to clinging or dependent behavior that can overwhelm your loved one. Your partner may seem as though they are constantly trying to put space between you, especially if they have an avoidant attachment style.
Sexual intimacy. When your partner returns from combat you may feel nervous about establishing sexual intimacy. Patience is very important in order to avoid rushing your partner or yourself through this process. It may feel as though you are dating again and you may need to slowly express your feelings and sexual desires, rather than expect them (Orange, 2010). It will help to discuss ways to increase intimacy and ensure you are moving at a pace that is
comfortable for you both (Sautter, Glynn, Thompson, Franklin, & Han, 2009). Keep an open dialogue through the process, expressing both hesitations and desires. If you or your loved one begins to experience anxiety or depression, these may interfere further with the desire to engage in a sexual relationship.
Parenting with a Combat Veteran
Losing a parent during deployment changes the family structure and environment and increases stress. Children are very sensitive to the changes in the household and between parents (Bluestar Families, 2013). During departures and returns, they may begin to demonstrate
behavior problems or difficulty managing their emotion. For example, children with deployed parents, between preschool ages and adolescence show more anxiety, depression, anger, and defiance than children who do not have deployed parents (Sayer et al., 2014). When there are multiple and longer deployments these problems typically get worse (Riggs & Riggs, 2011; Sayer et al., 2014). Depending on your child’s age, they are likely to react differently because they are at different stages of development.
In the beginning of this manual, we discussed how attachment styles form, as well as how they influence and shape the child, and later adult’s, social world. This is a very complex issue and, if you are interested in learning more about how your parenting impacts your child’s development, you may benefit from additional reading, which will be provided in Chapter 11. For the purposes of this book, what is important to know is your ability to pay attention to and correctly reflect your child’s emotions will help them to have healthy interpersonal relationships. Research shows if your child has a stable and secure attachment to your loved one before they are deployed, they will have an easier time when they return home (Riggs & Riggs, 2011). Similarly, if they have a stable and healthy relationship with the parent who remained at home, yourself, the adjustment process will be less complicated (Riggs & Riggs, 2011). Therefore, you may function as the go-between following their return and may need to help your children or your partner understand the transition process.