MECANISMOS DE FINANCIAMIENTO Y HOJA DE ROTA

Avoiding Unnecessary Wordiness

Sometimes in first drafts we write flabby sentences.

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■ It is my considered opinion that you will make an excellent employee.

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■ Joan will give a presentation on our latest sales figures to the CEO.

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■ Mr. Headly, who was my seventh-grade biology teacher, recently was honored for the research he had done over the years with his classes.

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■ My neighbor’s Subaru that was old and rusty still could navigate the winter streets better than most other cars.

Although there may be stylistic reasons for these sentences, such as creating vari-ety or adding a particular emphasis, a writer could sharpen them by reordering the sentence structure and eliminating unnecessary words.

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■ You will make an excellent employee. (The fact that you write it makes it clear that it is your opinion.)

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■ Joan will present our latest sales figures to the CEO. (Many times we use verbs as nouns with a filler verb—“have a meeting,” “give a talk,” “go running.”

Change these nouns back to verbs and dragging sentences can be energized.)

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■ Mr. Headly, my seventh-grade biology teacher, recently was honored for the research he had done over the years with his classes. (The rules of English let you delete some redundant phrases, even repeated subjects, to tighten your language.)

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■ My neighbor’s rusty, old Subaru still could navigate the winter streets bet-ter than most other cars. (Changing a relative clause to simple adjectives makes this sentence crisper.)

How do most writers do it? Cut out words that seem unnecessary, organize sentences different ways, and let verbs bear the brunt of the burden.

  ExErcisE   Rewrite the sentences to avoid unnecessary wordiness.

1. The principal will give a talk to the parents at the PTA meeting about how important it is for their children to get to school on time.

2. I would like to say that no playwright has ever used language as effectively as Shakespeare.

3. Mozart, who was a musical prodigy, is best known for his operas.

4. The jewelry store sold me a watch that was stolen.

5. The meeting that was scheduled for 3 p.m. was cancelled because Mr. Rushton, the consultant who was giving the presentation about the results on our computer security, was arrested for creating computer viruses that were very destructive.

Varying Sentence Complexity and Length

Sentences that are all the same length yield a repetitive, tedious prose.

Janice hated pain. She had her nose pierced. She had her bellybutton pierced. She had her tongue pierced. She wanted to be different. She ended up just like her friends.

6.1

Write sentences that avoid unnecessary wordiness.

6.2

Write sentences that vary in complexity and length.

This string of simple sentences unnecessarily repeats word phrases and gives the reader a bumpy ride. Combining these sentences results in a smoother and more varied prose style.

Although Janice hated pain, she had her nose, bellybutton, and tongue pierced in order to be different. She ended up, however, just like her friends.

Simple sentences of one subject and predicate—“The audience was young”—can be combined through coordinate and subordinate conjunctions, as well as the use of relative clause structures and other techniques. The result is not only a smoother style but a combination that more effectively shows the relationship of your ideas.

Coordination Coordinating conjunctions include and, but, or, nor, for, yet, and so, and you can combine clauses or phrases in a way that makes them equal.

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■ The audience was young, friendly, and responsive; so it cheered for each speaker.

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■ Either we hang together or we hang separately.

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■ A tornado ripped through our town but fortunately it spared our house.

Subordination Subordinate conjunctions such as because, since, while, before, during, after, and instead of can link dependent clauses to the main independent clause in a way that shows logical relationship.

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■ Millicent swam 400 laps today because she was feeling unusually strong.

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■ Arthur collapsed on the sofa after the dance was over.

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■ Once they had reached the lakeshore, the campers found a level spot where they could pitch their tent.

Relative Clauses Nouns can often be modified by relative clauses, which use a relative pronoun that substitutes for a noun and binds ideas together.

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■ Students who work hard usually succeed.

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■ The books on the history of Crete that you ordered have finally arrived.

There are other ways to combine sentences and vary sentence length, including the use of prepositional phrases, participle phrases, and infinitive phrases.

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■ The crook raced around the corner, down the alley, into the arms of the waiting police officers. (prepositional phrases)

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■ Some people handle a crisis by avoiding it, ignoring the problem until someone else solves it. (participle phrase)

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■ The early settlers moved west to escape an unsavory or difficult past, to forge a new life, to realize dreams. (infinitive phrases)

The point is to find ways to vary your sentences to increase interest and rhythm.

109 Varying Sentence Complexity and Length

Intentional Fragments A fragment is a part of a sentence that is capitalized and punctuated as if it were a complete sentence.

Although fragments are seldom used in formal prose, they form the back-bone of most conversations. Here’s how a typical bit of dialogue might go:

“Where are you going tonight?” (sentence)

“To Woodland Mall.” (fragment)

“What for?” (fragment)

“To buy some shoes.” (fragment)

As with most conversations, the sprinkling of complete sentences makes the frag-ments clear.

Writers of nonfiction use fragments to create special effects. In the follow-ing passage, the fragments focus the reader on the urgency of the situation.

Failed banks. Panicked markets. Rising unemployment. For students of his-tory, or people of a certain age, it all has an all-too-familiar ring. Is this another Great Depression? Not yet.

John Waggoner, “Is Today’s Economic Crisis Another Great Depression”

Before using any fragment, think about your intended effect. Unless only a fragment will serve your needs, don’t use one; fragments are likely to be viewed as unintentional—and thus errors—in the work of inexperienced writers.

  ExErcisE   The following passage includes one or more fragments. Identify each and explain its function.

He [Richard Wagner] wrote operas; and no sooner did he have the synop-sis of a story, but he would invite—or rather summon—a crowd of his friends to his house and read it aloud to them. Not for criticism. For applause. When the complete poem was written, the friends had to come again, and hear that read aloud. Then he would publish the poem, sometimes years before the music that went with it was written.

Deems Taylor, “The Monster”

Working together, these techniques provide varied sentences that create interest. In the following paragraph, the sentences differ considerably in length.

In a city of half a million I still really look at every face, anticipating recog-nition, because I grew up in a town where every face meant something to me.

I have trouble remembering to lock the doors. Wariness of strangers I learned the hard way. When I was new to the city, I let a man into my house one hot afternoon because he seemed in dire need of a drink of water; when I turned from the kitchen sink I found sharpened steel shoved against my belly. And so I know, I know. But I cultivate suspicion with as much difficulty as I force tomatoes to grow in the drought-stricken hardpan of my strange backyard. No creek runs here, but I’m still listening to secret tides, living as if I belonged to an earlier place: not Kentucky, necessarily, but a welcoming earth and a human family. A forest. A species.

Barbara Kingsolver, High Tide in Tucson: Essays from Now or Never

Here Kingsolver uses longer sentences to anticipate her more relaxed sense of the world contrasted with a shorter sentence tied to her experience of the potential of violence. The paragraph ends with two short fragments to focus on those interior spaces.

Varying sentence length can help you emphasize a key idea. If a key point is submerged in a long sentence, highlight it as a separate thought, giving it the recognition it deserves.

Original Version

Employers find mature women to be valuable members of their organi-zations. They are conscientious, have excellent attendance records, and stay calm when things go awry, but unfortunately many employers exploit them.

Despite their desirable qualities, most remain mired in clerical, sales, and elementary teaching positions. On the average they earn two-thirds as much as men.

Revised Version

Employers find mature women to be valuable members of their organi-zations. They are conscientious, have excellent attendance records, and stay calm when things go awry. Unfortunately, many employers exploit them.

Despite their desirable qualities, most remain mired in clerical, sales, and elementary teaching positions. On the average they earn two-thirds as much as men.

  ExErcisE   Using coordination and subordination, rewrite the following passages to reduce words and/or improve smoothness.

1. He played the piano. He played the organ. He played the French horn. He did not play the viola.

2. The weather was icy cold and windy. Lee was wearing only a T-shirt and athletic shorts.

3. Life on Venus may be possible. It will not be the kind of life we know on Earth. Life on Mars may be possible. It will not be the kind of life we know on Earth.

4. He felt his classmates were laughing at his error. He ran out of the room. He vowed never to return to that class.

5. Albert lay in bed. He stared at the ceiling. Albert thought about the previous afternoon. He had asked Kathy to go to dinner with him. She is a pretty, blond-haired woman. She sits at the desk next to his. They work at Hemphill’s. She had refused.