Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. . .
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Learning to transform obligation giving into giving from the heart. How much of your giving is to keep the scales balanced? How much giving is to please other people and their expectations? Frequent feelings of guilt and shame are signs that we are giving more out of obligation or giving more to please others--than out of genuine empathy and caring. Even giving because you want to act like an empathetic, caring person is not the same as giving out of true empathy and caring.
If I catch myself feeling guilty, saying "should," or worrying about what someone else expects me to give, then I ask myself, "What do I really want to do?" Next, I search all my own positive and negative feelings about doing it. I
give each of my subparts a chance to speak.
I also focus on developing a deep understanding of the other person's situation and point-of-view. When the part of me that cares about someone experiences the situation from their point-of-view (and I conclude they genuinely need help), it gives me a stronger urge to give to that person. Giving out of empathy and love is very different from giving out of guilt. By focusing on their point-of-view, I thus transform a "should" into a "want."
I try to avoid giving out of "shoulds." If I cannot persuade myself to give out of true empathy and caring, then I generally do not give at all. [Although, in many simple daily situations, I give out of "habit‖; because going into a deep understanding is too time-consuming.]
Can we give too much? It may be that the part of me that wants to give is in
conflict with a part of me that wants to use the time, energy, or money for some other goal. We will see in chapter 6 how people who are too codependent may give so much that they don't take adequate care of their own needs.
My Higher Self must make the ultimate decision about that conflict between giving to someone else and giving to me. We must each find our own balance between giving to self and giving to others.
Engaging another person's Higher Self. I attended a meeting where one staff
member aggressively attacked another in front of the whole group--calling him irresponsible and unprofessional. He was obviously angry. The second responded, "I can see that you're upset with me. I am sorry for any problems I may have caused you and appreciate your bringing it to my attention. Why don't we talk about it after the meeting?"
Immediately, the first staff member calmed down and became much friendlier. He even apologized in front of the group for his outburst and praised the second person for his "classy" response to his attack.
The second person had looked beyond the attacking words into the eyes of his comrade's Higher Self. He heard more than a personal attack, he heard a person he cared about hurting inside. His caring response was not lost. It engaged his comrade's Higher Self to apologize.
Everyone develops a Higher Self--no matter how weak or hidden it might be. What about all of the times people appear to act without empathy or caring? Obviously, their Higher Self is not controlling their behavior at that time. If we can help them engage their Higher Self, then we will find that we are suddenly dealing with someone who is much more understanding and caring. One way to do that is to treat an angry, aggressive or otherwise unpleasant person with deep understanding and concern.
Thus, we begin living at a higher level ourselves. Instead of living by an "eye for an eye" (which is one reason why gang warfare is so difficult to stop), we begin living by the rule of empathy and love. We are trying to maximize our own and others' happiness. We stop worrying about "getting even." Perhaps the best way to overcome our enemies is make them our friends. Perhaps "turning
the other cheek" can really work in the right situation.
This approach may not work with all people at all times. We might not know how to engage a person's Higher Self. We each need to draw our own boundaries for self-protection. We need to protect ourselves and act assertively against aggressive domination. Giving in to their aggression only reinforces their aggressive actions and beliefs.
If we set clear boundaries, we can help empower their Higher Selves and de-power their dysfunctional parts. The assertive, "tough love" response is consciously motivated partly by a desire to protect ourselves and partly by a desire to help empower their Higher Selves.
THE POWER OF THE HIGHER SELF DEPENDS ON
DEVELOPMENT AND REINFORCEMENT
The Higher Self may start as a simple set of beliefs valuing its own and others' happiness. Like any other cognitive system, it can remain weak, primitive, and undeveloped or it can grow and become strong through learning and reinforcement. Parents can encourage their children to care for themselves and others' happiness, and parents can help them develop beliefs that support these overall goals.
However, many parents teach their children to be obedient and rule- bound. Other parents give little guidance and their children are left to fend for themselves. In these cases, their Higher Selves may remain weak compared to the Higher Selves of children whose parents consistently supported love for self and others. By adulthood, the Higher Selves' development and power can vary dramatically from person to person.
The Higher Self might only be a weak, but persistent, inner voice. One of my
clients illustrates how the small inner voice of the Higher Self can speak to us at an early age--even when it goes against our parents' will. Her father would come into her room in the middle of the night and tell her that what he was doing was good, and it was because he loved her.
She wanted to believe him because she was young and he was important to her. She depended on him for everything. In the community he was a model citizen and pillar who was successful and respected by everyone. For a long time a dominate part of her told her she must agree with her father and that what he was doing was ok.
But despite all of this external input, a part of her told her that--even though it brought some pleasure to her--it was not ok. That part of her felt violated. It took her years to really begin to listen to that little voice inside of herself, but it was always there. Finally she paid attention to it.
When you are doing something that is clearly not life-enhancing, is there a little voice inside questioning it? This little voice may be your Higher Self speaking to you. It is repelled by people it perceives as harmful. On the other hand, your Higher Self seeks knowledge and reinforcement from others who value your happiness--it is automatically attracted to them.
Competition with other belief systems. We cannot trust all the little voices we
hear from within--though all need to be explored and understood. Each cognitive system has its own little voice, even those that are not healthy. The Higher Self faces a hazardous path of conflict with other belief systems in order to develop into a strong system.
If a child's parents create an environment that is too confusing, boring, or unpleasant, the child may not learn to trust others or to feel valued or important. Or the child may go to school and learn that obedience to teachers or peers gets more immediate reinforcement than love of self and others. That lesson supports the internalized others belief systems--not the Higher Self.
If competing belief systems are given more reinforcement than the Higher Self, the Higher Self can become underdeveloped and weak. The Higher Self is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. In chapter 6 on the transition from external to internal control of your life, I will discuss how we can become so focused on pleasing others; doing what they want; and internalizing their beliefs, values, and expectations that we can literally lose our own identity and self- esteem. Developing the Higher Self and focusing on its beliefs and goals is our primary way of increasing our self-esteem, personal power, and happiness in our life.
UNPRODUCTIVE BELIEF SYSTEMS--They devalue health and happiness
Any established belief system that tends to devalue or compete with loving oneself and others is potentially dysfunctional.
A functional belief can become dysfunctional. Often beliefs and rules that are
good for limited purposes are used beyond their range. They may be limited
means to happiness that become dysfunctional when they are made into ends
or ultimate concerns. For example, making a lot of money can potentially provide many things, help, experiences, or environments that can help bring happiness. However, if I must give up too much happiness for myself or others to get that money, then making money is dysfunctional. Oddly enough, making more money can reduce our personal power by reducing our ability to be happy and contribute to the happiness of others.
A belief system can become outdated. We may have learned beliefs that
worked well as a child within our particular family, but do not work well as adults. For example, one client's parents taught him as a child that it was God's will for children to obey their parents. They said, "The Bible says that you will go to Hell if you don't obey us." He believed them--literally.
For many years he tried to do everything that he was told. As a small child, obedience worked ok. Placing obedience above meeting his own needs was reinforced by avoiding punishment. However, as he got older, he couldn't meet his parents' expectations no matter how hard he tried. He was ridiculed and punished. Since obedience stopped working, he tried rebellion. He gave up trying to please them and he began meeting some of his own needs. This new
philosophy worked much better--except for one thing. He still believed that he was evil and that he was going to Hell. He still held that old belief his parents had taught him as a child.
So, he lived in constant fear that God would severely punish him for being so evil. These beliefs continued to haunt him into adulthood. Only through therapy and through talking with a more understanding minister did he question these beliefs. It was not easy, because his parents had also taught him that to question any of these beliefs was evil and meant he was going to Hell.
He learned that loving ourselves and taking good care of ourselves is not selfish and evil. He began to view God as a loving God who wanted his children to be happy and who would forgive them for mistakes. How could he believe that God would be less forgiving than a loving human? These new beliefs got to the core of his underlying fears of failure and punishment. He was on the road to greater self-esteem and happiness. As a child, were you taught any of the following dysfunctional beliefs?
● "I should always put other people's needs before my own." ● "I should be loved or liked by everyone I meet."
● "I am weak and dependent on strong people for my happiness." ● "I must be the best at everything I do."
● "I am entitled to health and happiness, and other people should meet my needs."
● "We must run our lives by rules, and people who break those rules must be severely punished or we will have chaos."
● "There are winners and losers. If you are not strong and take advantage of others before they take advantage of you, then you will be a loser."
PRACTICE: List some of your basic beliefs that may have been unproductive for you. If you are having trouble, start by looking at some beliefs that you think
may have been unproductive for your parents. What messages did they keep giving you that you now know are dysfunctional? How did these beliefs interfere with their happiness and productivity? How did these beliefs influence you? Compare these basic beliefs to beliefs of unconditional love of self and others. Evaluate them by the criteria presented in the next sections.