Our emotional systems are designed to feel and navigate the correct course through our feelings. We have problems when we respond without restraint. This impulsivity soon becomes a pattern of public performance that is repeated over and over to the same poor reviews, resulting in both so- cial and self-condemnation. In the next chapter, “Six Seconds of Sabotage,” I offer ideas on how to manage that critical time frame between the amyg- dala getting hijacked and the border patrol making the official arrest.
A switch in the left side of the prefrontal lobe has the ability to turn off negative emotional surges. We simply need to allow the initial rush to pass, giving this switch time and permission to activate. This switch is like the cor- rective parent that reprimands childish tantrums and suggests more ap- propriate responses. The success of the reprimand hinges in large part on the history of training with the child. If we have a history of spouting, vent- ing, reacting, and making hair-trigger responses, the child—amygdala— will be more difficult to train.
Responsibility follows awareness in the necessary disciplines of emo- tional intelligence. In the case of restraint, responsibility is defined as ac- cepting actions and reactions as something we are responsible for. Restraint is an area where many people try to avoid or resist responsibility, because they have ample opportunity to point to those who provoked the negative emotions and place the blame on their shoulders. As long as people look outwardly for excuses, they lack the discipline to restrain self-sabotaging behaviors.
Assuming that we accept responsibility for what we do and say when our amygdalas undergo a temporary hijacking, we must install a short-term
management system for controlling our worst negative impulses. I’ve met many people who, excelling in the skill of restraint, use clichés or acronyms as the first step in their emotional management system.
For example, the HALT acronym taught by Alcoholics Anonymous rec- ommends restraint, especially in times when we are hungry, angry, l onely, or t ired. This is a wise impediment to emotional impulsivity, as we are all emotionally vulnerable in these states.
I remember golfing with a fellow who was playing horribly but display- ing extraordinary restraint, and I asked him, “How do you keep your cool so well?”
He answered, “Whenever I feel the urge to blow up, I remember my ABCs—attitude-behavior-c ontrol. My attitude will affect my behavior. My behavior will affect my control. Once I lose control, I have no hope of fix- ing the problem, and I end up embarrassing myself.”
I got the feeling as he explained his restraint model that he had learned this lesson the hard way.
We all need to find a way to keep our hands on the emotional steering wheel when our emotions are raging and disturbed. Control in the first mo- ments is critical to a safe landing. This section of the book will discuss mech- anisms for dealing with disturbing emotions, managing stress, and keeping our perspectives through emotional upsets. Prior to setting these mecha- nisms in place, each of us must discover our level of awareness in the form of an “amygdala checkup.” Once you identify specific arenas of emotional vulnerability, you are halfway home to forming the habit of restraint.
Take a moment to complete the Restraint Rubric in Figure 6.1. This tool will help you identify the types of upset to which you are most vulner- able. In the next chapter, I discuss how to keep your anger from escalating into danger during the “Six Seconds of Sabotage.”
SELLING WITH EQ
• When upset, remember what is happening at a chemical level in your brain and how vulnerable you are at that moment.
• Give yourself ample time to allow your emotional border patrol to kick into action.
• Develop a focus thought that you can utilize for your cooling off period.
60 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
FIGURE 6.1 ARROW Restraint—The Self-Control Rubric
Directions: Read each statement and circle the number that best describes you.
When someone is annoying me, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Give them a piece of my mind Walk away
When I am angry, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Start yelling and acting out Get alone and process
When I am stressed, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Take it out on others Create a plan to resolve situation
When others reject or ignore me, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Become depressed Consider it their loss
When confronted with rudeness, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Become rude with them Stay calm; fix problem
When confronted with aggression, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Raise the aggression level Diffuse the situation
When confronted with blame, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Immediately defend myself Hear out accusation,
When I feel an impulse to buy, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Buy it now Give myself time to think it through
When I get an impulse to act out negatively, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Remove myself from the circumstances Go with the moment
When presented an opportunity for quick gain, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Jump on it Seek counsel
When it comes to delaying gratification, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Usually give in Can easily discipline self
When I feel underprepared, insecure, or incompetent, I . . .
1 2 3 4 5
Bluff my way through it Ask for help or more time
Directions: Read each statement and circle the number that best describes you.
Add Total:
Victim of the Hands on the Emotional
Amygdala Hijack Steering Wheel
62
The Principles of Emotional Intelligence
• Understanding the physiology of anger can help us wait out the chemical storms that arouse irrational and irritated responses. • Taking responsibility for our anger leads to taking responsibility for
our reactions.
• Developing a “diffusion response” allows our body chemistry to reg- ulate and keeps us from embarrassing responses.
Lynn was driving down the road for a visit to a top account when her cell phone rang. It was her manager, Victor, reminding her for the fourth time that she needed to push harder with this account on a new product offering. He told her if she got the account, it would give a good bump to her numbers for the quarter.
Lynn listened as long as she could to his redundant, sermonic spiel, and then her frustration came spewing forth, “*&^%$$# it, Vic, this is not