Mortalidad especifica por subgrupo

Q.1 Why is the ‘No Contact Rule’ 21 days? Does it have to be so specific?

People obsess about this rule more than any other, and it causes a lot of needless confusion and fretting over the exact number of days . The truth is, there is no exact science when dealing with ‘No Contact’ (we are dealing with love, after all!) .

Some people need 21 days to separate fully from their partner, some need a month, whilst other need 60 days!

The truth is, No Contact is as much about you as it is about your ex . It’s based roughly on the length of time you need to start getting used to life independently from a relationship and to experience a state where you are ready to make contact with your ex again . For many people, 21 days will feel excruciatingly long, like a prison sentence . They’ll feel ready to talk to their ex with a clear head after a week or so .

Others will go for a month and still feel sick with loneliness and despair, and any contact with their ex will only set back their progress . They may need longer than 30 days to be ready to move forward with their life and have become ready to attract their ex again .

The reason I use 21 days is because without a definite figure in mind, your temptation will be to contact your ex WAY too soon simply because you miss his voice, and this leads many people to push hard early on and use their ex as a crutch, instead of truly moving on first and being able to attract him once again .

So perhaps for you a month, or even more time is appropriate . But give it 21 days at the very least (I recommend AT LEAST 21-30 days as the ballpark figure for most people) .

After that you should feel comfortable getting in touch with your ex again, and as I mention in the programme, I even encourage you to be the first to reach out to him .

Q 2 . If he doesn’t reach out at all during the No Contact period does that mean he doesn’t care about me?

No, not in the slightest .

Guys can vary greatly in the way they deal with the aftermath of a relationship . A guy may not have reached out simply because he is too proud or is scared of how he’s going to feel about getting back in touch with you . He may even be unsure of whether you’ll respond positively or negatively and be put off by the uncertainty . As long as you reach out in the way explained in the programme, as someone who is not needy but positive without emotionally blowing up about the relationship, he’ll want to respond and see how you are .

Then are, of course, some guys who will text you very quickly during the No Contact period, and I encourage you to get back to him if he does reach out . It doesn’t mean you should get lost in LONG,

ENDLESS texting all day with him, as this may reduce his intrigue and attraction to you once he catches up on every tiny thing you’ve been up to since the breakup .

By no means should you think that during the ‘No Contact’ period you are required to ignore his texts or phone calls . Remember, No Contact is only about whether you reach out to him, not the other way around! If you ignore him completely in this time you can damage the potential for any future relationship, so I urge you to stay away from these kinds of games .

Q 3 . I’m not sure I should be the one who reaches out first. Shouldn’t I just wait and see if my ex gets back in touch with me? Won’t I seem stalkerish if I send him messages out of the blue after we’ve broken up?

No, you won’t seem like a stalker at all . Remember, you are only getting in touch with your ex after you have gone nearly a month without initiating contact from your end . If you follow the No Contact rule correctly, after that time has elapsed there’s no problem pinging your ex a small message to remind him of your presence . Just remember, you are never really doing the chasing here . You are just giving him an opportunity to get back in touch . The big mistake many women make it trying to rush things and move too quickly to get back their ex, so they bombard them with messages and then wonder why they run away .

All you are doing is ‘testing the waters’ and seeing what comes back . That’s why I advocate easing in with a light, short text which is non-needy but also fun e .g . “I just saw a trailer for Dumb and Dumber 2! I can’t wait!”

These are only very small steps, and the fact that the contact is light and low-pressure is exactly what will make your ex feel safe about responding to your text .

Just make sure if your ex doesn’t text back, you wait a week or so before sending anything else . Do not send a message the next day if he doesn’t get back . Always let him have space and he’ll then feel safe about getting in touch .

Q 4. But won’t it just look like I can’t let go? I don’t want to be needy!

You are overthinking this .

lts a common fear that women are taught, to constantly worry about being seen as desperate and needy, but the truth is neediness is only in the attitude you approach this with . There’s nothing needy about getting in touch to send a fun message to someone you care about who was a big part of your life .

The only thing that is needy is if you immediately pressure him to get back together, or if you show you are going to act like a doormat and do just about anything for him to be in your life again .

Apart from that, you sending a message about a spontaneous joke or thought you had is not going to be perceived as needy . In fact, after the No Contact period has finished he’ll actually be happy to hear from you . Secretly he’ll want to know EVERYTHING you’ve been up to since the breakup (and you’re not going to reveal all of that right away) . You have some mystery on your side now that you’ve been separate for a while, and mystery is your friend right now . Q 5. What if he’s already seeing other people? Am I the idiot who’s just hanging on?

With regards to the first question, it’s hard to judge people on what they do or who they see immediately after relationships end .

If you break up, you’re technically not together right now and seeing other people (even if for a night or two!) is not a crime . I’ve known couples who have gotten back together after both having dated other people, so it’s not always a one-way thing either . I even suggest that it’s healthy for you to go on dates when you’re apart from your ex if only to use this opportunity to show yourself there are other people out there, so that you can make a truly informed decision about whether or not to go back .

So you’re never really just “hanging on” waiting for him to decide to take you back . You are moving forward while this is all happening, and it’s precisely this that will make your ex WANT to chase you to get you back before you do .

We also have to be careful about being so judgmental about what people do when they are going through loss and turmoil after breakups . So don’t panic if he goes on a date with someone else . It doesn’t mean all is lost, but neither does it mean you’re going to sit around being single forever .

Many people engage in small rebound relationships or flings that can last barely a week . You must not panic whatever his decision is . If you come together after both having seen other people and you’re not sure if you can deal with him having slept with someone else, this is an issue of figuring out your own personal deal-breakers . For example, him having a fling may not be a big deal for you, but him sleeping with a close friend of yours may show a complete lack of care on his part and ought to make you realise that this guy is not worried about hurting you and that you should let him go now .

After you come together again you can have an honest conversation about who you have dated . The important thing is to make each other feel safe and recognise that you are committed to only each other now you are back together again .

Q 6. If he broke things off between us doesn’t that mean it was for a reason? Surely I should want a guy who is certain about me and wants to be all in?

Of course all relationships end for SOME reason, and I agree that often that can be a very good one (i .e . you were incompatible, you had different life plans/goals, he refused to watch scary movies on Halloween) . But some relationships end because one of the parties still has growing to do, and time off of the relationship can be the best way to understand how to work better as a couple .

It would be crazy to think that EVERY relationship that ends must always be the 100% right thing for everyone - that would be too easy .

Sometimes you both won’t be sure the relationship is right until you’re apart for a while, possibly even for six months or longer . Relationships are complex things, and I think sometimes we put too much emphasis on everyone needing to be 100% certain at all times . In reality, sometimes you’ll feel 100% certain, other times you’ll have that bit of doubt which could be an incitement to change either (a) your relationship, or (b) your dynamic in the relationship . Now as I said, I definitely do NOT want women buying this programme to take a year long strategy to winning back their ex . That’s why a big part of the strategy I advocate is MOVING ON with your life and building a meaningful existence without your ex first . At the very least this will show you whether or not you truly

can live without this guy (and in many cases, women find that after this they can live without their ex, and move on) . But I don’t believe in shutting off any meaningful relationship just because it broke off - sometimes two people can realise their mistake later, but we all get too proud to go back because we think GOING BACK must mean we’re GOING BACKWARDS in our life . That’s not always the case .

But here’s the thing . You are right . A guy should be certain about you . Which is why before you get back together you need to discuss clearly what went wrong and what you both need going forward . You also need to make sure you both truly want to be back together and to work on things in the future . You’re allowed to both have made mistakes the first time around, but you need to be certain that these are things you want to work on to have a stronger, better relationship the second time over .

Q 7. What if he gets back with me now but the old stuff hasn’t changed and he just ends up hurting me all over again?

Then YOU are only hurting yourself and being masochistic if you don’t end the relationship after repeating these mistakes . Look at it this way: through this programme you now have a chance to go back and see if things are different . True, getting back could lead you down the same road as before . But at least after the second time around you’ll know for sure that you didn’t make a mistake in parting ways and can move on with certainty for the future .

Remember, a guy needs to acknowledge HIS mistakes when you get back with him (assuming he is also responsible for problems in your previous relationship) . If he’s unwilling to acknowledge the mistakes, this is a big red flag and you shouldn’t be back with him (never be with someone who can’t admit their flaws and mistakes) .

Although I stress in the programme the need to be casual and fun when attracting your ex again, it should be said that the decision whether to be back together in a relationship is serious, and you need to acknowledge that both of you need to do things differently to avoid ending in the same place as before . That’s why you tell him the way you need things to be from now on and what you need from him - it won’t turn him off - on the contrary, a guy will want to step up to that challenge . If you show him you’re a doormat who will do anything to get back with him, you’ll never work as a team on those issues in the relationship . You also need to humbly admit your own faults and resolve to work on them too (and something you should do earlier on in the process when you write your Goodbye Letter is to apologise if you did anything nasty or showed any inappropriate behaviour during the breakup process - this goes a long way when you genuinely acknowledge where you were wrong and say sorry) . If you can both do that and resolve to grow together then you have a shot at creating something new and beautiful by starting again . Q 8. What if he doesn’t get back in touch at all or respond to any of your bait?

{MATT - This is the only question i’m still not sure about what to do with after our conversation regarding your concerns about it . Do you want to lose it completely? Or maybe alter it a bit when you say it? It’s up to you} I think the general idea has some merit but if you don’t like it we don’t have to use it at all . And I understand your reservations about even vaguely endorsing jealousy tactics .

Personally I think you should only say things in this product that feel totally congruent with your message and what you believe, rather than put this in if it’s something you would rather not defend later on in interviews . However, I do think it has some value as a

“Last Ditch Tactic”, as long as it doesn’t mean you do malicious or stupid things . It’s up to you .

What if the worst-case scenario occurs? He doesn’t even try to get in touch during No Contact . Your Goodbye Letter elicits zero response from him . When you send him a casual text, your phone never buzzes to say he’s text back .

What then??

Then we resort to a Last Ditch Attempt .

Ok, first things first . If you followed the first two steps exactly as they are laid out above, your ex SHOULD at the very least have made contact once after the break up . If he hasn’t done so, there is one radical plan left . And it involves harnessing an emotion I warned against using earlier: JEALOUSY .

I hate to use this, because it’s totally unnecessary and should never be a substitute for the steps in relation to building your life back and having your ex get back in touch through the methods outlined above . But one way to elicit a response (if you’re extremely desperate) is to start hanging out with his friends, or with your old mutual friends . Go on a night out with them, or join a couple them on a fun day-trip . Maybe even go for coffee with one of his friends (as long as you knew that friend well and had an independent friendship with them) . BUT IN NO WAY is this a date .

If you imply it’s a date, it’s game over . Your ex will hear about it and he’ll either be pissed at his friend for meeting with you which will provoke all kinds of arguments and havoc, OR he’ll think you’re making some desperate ploy to get him angry, or worst, he’ll simply ditch both of you (and then his friend will be pissed at you for

making him lose a buddy) . If you hang out with his friends, you are doing it only as friends . Once your ex sees that his friends are hanging with you, he’ll get curious and go crazy wondering about you, and he’ll get back in touch . Even if he just hears you went for pizza and a movie with some of his buddies, you’ll pique his interest and he’ll be want to send a message . (Remember: You have to follow this PLUS the steps above on growing and rebuilding your life . If you haven’t changed and shown signs of moving on, it won’t matter what else you do .)

But this is the Last Ditch Attempt for a reason . It’s risky, it’s unnecessary, and it can leave you trapped in your ex’s social web with all the potential awkwardness and problems that it entails (not to mention that it makes it harder for you to move on emotionally when you are in such close proximity to all your ex’s friends) . Remember, your first bet should be to follow all the steps above, but if you absolutely HAVE no other way of getting his attention, this is going to do it.

Q 9. What if he STILL makes no contact after that?

Then you have your answer . Your ex doesn’t see himself as ever getting back together and may have insurmountable reasons for ending the relationship . This is ok . Obviously if your ex is THAT determined to avoid you at all costs there is simply no sense in pursuing things any further . But you can rest easy now that you have done everything in your power to attract him again, and along the way you’ve made incredible changes and improvements that have made you relationship-ready for the truly amazing guy you deserve . If you followed all the steps completely (and read the accompanying e-book on Re-Building Your Life, you will move on whether or

not your ex decides to get back with you. This programme is about making you fulfilled and helping you get what you need out of your relationships .

If your ex has no interest in ever speaking to you again, he is NOT the man for you . You deserve someone who wants to pursue you

If your ex has no interest in ever speaking to you again, he is NOT the man for you . You deserve someone who wants to pursue you