Peer Pressure
Social status was linked to having a partner, which correlated to some extent with Maslow’s theory (1943). Specifically for younger participants, there was appeared to be pressure if a partner had not been found. It appeared that this pressure was similar to what is commonly raised by young people without a learning disability, to ‘fit in’ with their peers and applied more specifically to young women. Emma felt pressure to have a partner. This pressure came from her college friends and she was the last to have a partner.
Emma: Because it is nice telling your friends that you have a partner, especially, like, if they have one and now you have got one. Because you are letting them know that you have got one now [boyfriend]. So you are not left out.
It did not seem that the older female participants felt this pressure, as both Caroline and Mary were in their forties when they first had a partner and neither person reported feeling this way. Male participants did not specifically identify in interviews that they felt pressure to have a partner but some stated that they were keen for peers to know they had partners. This implied that they may have felt the same pressure as females but did not disclose this.
Liam: I tell my friends I have a girlfriend about that I did. I told them.
Researcher: So you like to tell all of your friends that you have a girlfriend and you like to tell all your friends that you have a partner.
Liam: Oh yes!
Social Mirroring
Section 5.4.1 explored how parental/familial behaviour influenced the relationships of participants. However, this was not the only factor influencing how participants
interacted within a relationship. There was possibly an element of mirroring cultural norms among participants, taking their cues regarding how to behave in relationships
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from sources like the media. Social mirroring could be considered a form of aspiration, a desire to attain the higher levels of Maslow’s hierarchy including social status and self-respect and it appeared that having a spouse/partner was a facilitator to achieving this.Almost all of the participants discussed their love for television and soap operas particularly. These programmes often display grand romantic gestures such as men proposing on bended knees. Alan claimed it was his decision to ask Ann to marry him. However, as discussed in Section 5.3.3, Alan required prompting and direct support from staff to arrange a date. It was possible that Alan saw images of proposals in the media and mirrored these elements such as going on one knee and having a ring. It was unclear if Alan chose to marry Ann solely because he loved her or if there was an element of mirroring what he saw on television, having learnt that marriage was what dating couples did next or to attain the status conferred by society for being married. The reason for this interpretation was that he was unable to give a response as to why he married Ann. It was possible he did not understand the question and he was asked again in a different way:
Researcher: So what is it about Ann that you think, you know, made you want to marry her? Alan: I don’t know. You know it’s hard to tell.
It was also likely that Mary was displaying some element of social mirroring regarding the significance she gave to Valentine’s Day. Mary mentioned this day numerous times and considered this the day where couples were romantic. Although this is reflective of how people without a learning disability also view Valentine’s Day, Mary only seemed to equate romance with this day. This suggested an element of social mirroring where, like Alan, she behaved in this way because society and the media suggest that she should. This was not to suggest that she did not want to engage in this (or enjoy it), however it felt less organic and more ‘learnt’. Mary may have unconsciously utilised Valentine’s Day to demonstrate to society that she held the socially valued role of ‘girlfriend’ by engaging in a ‘romantic meal’ publicly with Gary.
Researcher: You have spoken a lot about Valentine’s Day. Is it important to you? Mary: Yeah
Researcher: Why?
Mary: Because I have a special dinner for the evening meal.
Despite differences in dating patterns (see 5.1.1) compared to adults without a learning disability, the participants appeared to conform to social stereotypes regarding some
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dating patterns, like the man paying for the date which, again, may have been due to social mirroring. Caroline confirmed that John was chivalrous and paid for the meal on their dates.
Caroline: He treated me. We went to another café and he treated me to some lunch and of course we both had some and we did that quite a few times and kindly paid for me for that.
Men were more likely to initiate relationships, which was possibly due to mirroring cultural norms. Chapter 4 identified that various participants had grown up within some form of institution and, therefore, may have had limited exposure to the cultural norms of how to behave within relationship and this, therefore, may result in social mirroring, where participants seek information from other sources such as television with less balancing from experiential or exposure to real-life relationships.
Pride
Almost all of the participants indicated that they enjoyed telling people they were married, engaged or with a partner. There was a great pride in this for almost all of the participants and this seemed to be more apparent for older participants and those with higher support needs. Relationships and marriage were traditionally ‘off limits’ for people with learning disabilities, both in terms of marriage and in terms of co-habitation. Being part of a relationship suggested a sense of normality and being an ordinary member of society, also confirming that they, too, were special and wanted by someone.
The ring was of great significance to both Caroline and Peter. It is possible that participants saw the ring as an outward symbol of acceptance and status, a way of signifying to the world that they were ‘just like other people’ and special to someone. For Caroline obtaining a ring appeared to be her prime motivator for becoming engaged. This appeared to be more important to Caroline than a marriage. When asked what you would like most about getting married Caroline said:
Caroline: The ring, I suppose so yeah….I think it [the relationship] would be the same except that maybe you could sometimes show your ring off and say ‘I am engaged to get married. I don’t know, you might feel a bit more, you might feel as proud as punch (when asked how she
would feel if engaged).
The ring was also of significance to Peter, who liked others to see his wedding ring, possibly considering this a way to signify to the world that he was married and had
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someone to love him/want him. This suggested that Peter and Caroline wanted others to see them in the socially valued role of spouse, which would increase their status in society by demonstrating they could attain this life goal, which may increase their self- esteem.Researcher: What does it feel like saying you are married? Peter: I like it
Joe and Carrie also liked to tell people they were married. However, when explored further it appeared that Carrie and Joe were more excited about being married than others’ perception of them as a married couple. They had pride in being married but their future together appeared more important than social perception.
Researcher: How does it make you feel Joe to tell people you are married? Joe: Happy
Researcher: Makes you happy? Joe: Excited
Researcher: Yeah. What are you excited about? Joe: Getting married (bit I can’t hear) my life Carrie: About our future ahead
However, it could be argued there was a similar symbolism in Joe wanting to get married in the same church as his grandfather. He may have wanted to be perceived by others as similar to his grandfather in as many ways as possible. Also, having a large wedding in this church was possibly a way to demonstrate to society that they were ‘just like everyone else’. Their families paid for their wedding, suggesting their families were keen to support and encourage this. It was possible that by doing this they also lessened any residual stigma they may have felt at having a child with a learning disability and saw the wedding as an opportunity to demonstrate to society that their children were no different to any other young couple in love. Their families may have perceived the weddings as a means to increase social status by
demonstrating their children could achieve similar life goals as those without disabilities.
All of the participants, to varying degrees, were aware of their disability and that they differed to some extent from the general population. Some were more accepting of this than others. Younger participants such as Liam and Emma and Carrie and Joe referred openly to their disability and appeared more accepting compared to some older