I met with Zahra at Monash University in the afternoon. Zahra was a kind, tranquil, peaceful Saudi woman. She was so happy and excited to do the interview; she welcomed me warmly with her lovely face; after a brief welcoming chat, I commenced the formalities. As she recounted the first of her very personal, sensitive and confidential stories I realised that Zahra had complete trust in me: I felt honoured.
Zahra commenced with a touching statement that showed the delicate yearning that this Saudi woman had for her homeland. She told me ‘I love my country; everything is there – my parents, my family, my job and I miss everything there’ (Za.07); she then continued in this personal vein talking about a problem that had arisen with a person who had been her closest friend (Za.08):
The most emotional situation for me was a few years ago, 2006, or 2007 when I was with a particular friend. When we were studying at university, I had been her best friend. In her final year, she had many problems at home, and sometimes she called me at home. We were spending long hours together, causing problems between my family and me. Zahra had been forced to tell her friend that if this situation continued she would have to break up the friendship. Zahra’s friend promised she would stop the late-night calls; however, she did not. Consequently, Zahra ended the friendship.
After ten years of separation, Zahra dreamt of her former friend. She felt guilty to the extent that, in an attempt to assuage her guilt, she called her and apologised to her for ending the close friendship (Za.10):
I called her home, and her mother told me, “She’s married now, and she has some children”. She gave me her number. I rang and told her I saw her many times in my dreams. I said that I did not know if it was like guilt, or something else: I did not understand. I said I was sorry.
Soon after Zahra felt disquieted (Za:12):
I did not feel I should have said sorry that moment. I did not feel I had to say sorry, but because, it was like a commitment…to feel relieved after these years – because maybe I [had] hurt her…So I said, “Sorry, and I hope that I didn’t hurt you too much”.
Zahra thought that she needed to say sorry at the time of the incident; however, she felt that somehow, a feeling of disquiet. She said: (Za.14):
I felt like she wasn’t concentrating on me at that time. I don’t know why…she was so different that time. When I said sorry she accepted it immediately, and she was so happy. Perhaps her friend had forgotten the whole issue; appeasement of Zahra’s guilty concern was all that was required.
Zahra then realised that she wished to stop feeling angry, for essentially, she was a ‘happy person’ who she wished to leave behind a person who seemed to ‘interrupt the peace of others’. Zahra did not renew the friendship; she was relieved when she took the final break-up step.
Types of Harré positioning that emerged
Deliberative self-positioning: deliberative intent
After ten years of separation, Zahra dreamt about her former friend. She felt guilty and took steps to renew the friendship; however, on making contact, she realised that she had taken this step not to re-connect but to assuage her guilt; there was a feeling that she might have been too harsh in her earlier decision to break the friendship. In this act, Zahra had engaged in deliberative self-positioning to relieve her guilt and to reassure herself that her previous step had been in her best interests.
Zahra realised, on reflection, that she had not wished to re-establish a friendship that had lapsed for ten years. She felt guilty and remorseful over her earlier actions; she wanted to regain control of the situation, to be vindicated in re-exerting the power that had motivated her ten years’ earlier. Zahra knew that
forced other-positioning had subjected her and her family to undesirable power control by a friend. In particular, late night telephone calls were deemed inappropriate by Zahra’s family for they had been very disruptive. Zahra’s friend promised her she would stop the late-night calls – but she did not. Zahra could not stand this pressure; consequently, she broke up with her (Za.09):
I told her, “Look, I don’t want this relationship anymore. So, stop it”
On reflection, Zahra believed that her friend had forgotten the whole issue and it was only Zahra who had remembered out of guilt for an act she would not usually have committed. Zahra broke up with her friend as she believed that this friend had had an adverse influence on her: the friend had caused Zahra to have many conflicts with her parents; (Za.17):
Maybe because I was so angry at that time…actually, she made lots of ‘me-sads’ (feelings of sadness) in my life.
This situation occasioned three actions on the part of Zahra. The first was a reconciliatory gesture to check that there had been forgiveness by both parties. The second was an act of redemption that no wrong had occurred – Zahra had been able to rid herself of the guilt and sadness that had suddenly emerged after an extended period. The third was atonement for Zahra at two levels; the first, for an action about which she felt guilty; the second, for the moral and ethical debt owed to her parents. Zahra believed she had caused her parents to suffer anger and psychological pressure as a result of the friends’ dependence on Zahra during the many episodes that had occurred a decade before. In reality, her friend had been a monster who had haunted Zahra for many years: now, Zahra was free.
Ultimately, Zahra had engaged in self- and other-deliberative positioning to finally close down the disruptive friendship. In this episode, I was reminded of an Arabic proverb: ‘The door that brings wind. Close it and relax’.
Emergent New Socio-cultural positionings
Self-interest positioning
Zahra apologised only to atone for a fault, for a mistake: ‘to get rid of that guilt forever (Za.13). Zahra had engaged in a self-interest positioning, she felt it necessary to apologise out of feeling of guilt. It was an act of conscious relief – to amend a wrong that she felt she had done – despite it being likely that her friend had entirely forgotten about the whole issue.