95 Patients usually described their childhood experiences as difficult and/or problematic. Often patients reported that their VTF started when they were of school-age (e.g. between 5-7 years old) and that furthermore, the timings of these experiences occurred concurrently with when they began to behave in a violent way. Many patients spoke about traumatic experiences that they had experienced whilst growing up and often this was their reasoning for why they felt they experienced violent thoughts and fantasies today. Some patients often referred to events that occurred when they were very young (infants) in speaking about why they believed they had violent thoughts and fantasies. Within this there was a sense of blame; patients blamed their parents or other childhood caregivers for why they had developed into the person they were; their identity as an offender and inherent within this, why they experienced violent thoughts and fantasies.
I I
dad. I think they were quite violent people generally anyway and I think they raised us in a kind of I think with me they made me into a psychopath by the way they kind of bullied and harassed us as young kids. I just feel like they were very big on corporal punishment, you know, smacking and hitting a lot and I just feel
‘
A violent lifestyle was common for many individuals within the group, with many patients describing how they learned that violence was an acceptable or common part of life from an early age. This included being encouraged towards violent sports and hobbies as children and being taught to solve interpersonal problems with violence, which is further reinforced by being around people who use violence, such as family, peer groups and significant others.
I , from all my peers, my family and
“
kind of domestic problems, any money problems the way to solve it is through violence. So when I get that feeling, I feel obliged... So it
96 Patients spoke about how violence was normal for them, highlighting how it was a defining feature of their childhood that now contributes to who they are and their identity as someone who is different to others.
I “ - I M were a bit different to somebody who was raised in a perfect background. Violence was just the way of life. And I learnt to
I ‘
Many patients spoke about their experiences of having witnessed domestic violence and/or being exposed to violence themselves.
I environment that included sexual
E I
rape my mum. And I remember- The reason that I remember this is coz I, it was the first time I swore at anybody. And I remember the
urge that I had to run B I “
‘
Often patients were able to describe their past abusive experiences quite vividly and sometimes expressed that they experienced flashbacks of abuse or traumatic memories. Furthermore, memories of being abused in childhood were sometimes triggered by current conflicts.
When I was getting abused by my step-dad I er, I was rummaging around the house and I found he had a shotgun and I just thought about getting the shells, loading the shot gun and shooting him- you know what I mean. But I searched the house all over looking
I I
time. I thought about the shotgun every time I was abused and
when someone I
97 In the extract above the patient describes how, when he is made to feel defective by others, this experience reminds him of when he felt this way as a child in relation to the abuse that he was experiencing. Furthermore, current situational triggers also re-trigger the violent thoughts that he held as a child (10 years old at the time). This not only highlights the entrenched nature of some violent thoughts but also suggests that there may be common thematic triggers for violent thoughts both historically and in the present day.
Those individuals who were victimised as children, through abuse for example, also described revenge fantasies where they imagined taking revenge on their childhood abusers. Revenge fantasies were rooted in the past but were often currently held by the individual, indicating that they were often long-standing and had been maintained over a number of years. Thinking about revenge is discussed
-theme in chapter 5, however
it is important to recognise these experiences here within the context of how patients described these revenge fantasies as being related to their early experiences, which consequently affect who they are and why they feel they have violent thoughts and fantasies.
E I
it would be natural to have violent thoughts of- or fantasies if you like, about er harming people that
‘
The experience of revenge fantasies appeared to be normalised in light of it was acceptable for some patients to experience violent thoughts and fantasies because of what had happened to them in the past. Of particular relevance is the level of investment and dependence on a revenge fantasy. The following extract highlights the strength of the fantasy as providing the motivation or encouragement to get out of the prison or mental health care system. While this may have also served functions related to action (described in
98 chapter seven) it nevertheless highlights the longevity of the fantasy, which the individual may have been reliant on whilst detained within the prison or healthcare system.
I I managed to get out and I always promised myself that you know, anyone that was- could do that, I would have to kill. From that moment onwards, I think I kept it going for a long time. So when
I I
-, for a long time, spurred me to er, to want to get out. Er I I
I
I I I But I
have at all, but for me it was helpful in the sense, kind of like, and
‘
The content of the violent fantasy, which in this case is to imagine revenge, is paired with a sense of dichotomy, perhaps with regards to the social and/or moral perception of violent thinking. This dichotomy is discussed further in the normal versus abnormal sub-theme.