Tangible forms of affection are any physical objects or static communications that are non-work related. These include gifts of candy, chocolates, flowers, cards, letters, tokens, emails, chat messages and voice messages.
While you may consider tangibles a romantic gesture and a way to stand out from the ordinary guys, realize that many women at work are NOT comfortable with this, especially those who have given you only casual interest. Tangibles are generally given by those already in committed relationships, and she may question your gesture in that light. You may see it as some friendly, courteous way of expressing appreciation for her, but she may wonder if you're trying to take a professional or platonic relationship to another level when she's not interested or ready. Even if she's giving you strong interest, it's not necessary to give her tangibles to win her over, because she's already attracted to you. Understand that many women WILL NOT tell you that your gestures are
unwelcomed or that you're making them uncomfortable, so do NOT give her any tangibles at work.
The other issue with tangibles is they are physical evidence that she can save and use against you in a harassment complaint. Indeed, when certain women who are not
interested in you have evidence that they can use against you, they will rub it in your face as if they have some "upper hand" over you, and treat you as if you're hostile. It's not enough for her to merely say she's not interested. She also has to tell you that if you don't stop "harassing" her, then she will take action against you, and will come forward with your tangibles as evidence. This is a Vindictive Manipulator in the making.
So do NOT email her some dirty joke you saw on the internet. Do NOT leave her a message on her company phone telling her how "special" she is to you. Do NOT put a gift on her desk while she's away. And even if it's her birthday or Valentine's Day, do NOT give her any cards, candies or flowers at work. And regardless whether there's a connection between you two or even if she's giving you the "warm and fuzzies", when you feel compelled to give her a letter or card expressing how you feel inside...DON'T. Remember, anything you say on company email, leave as a message on the company phone, or give as a "friendly gesture" on company property can be unwelcomed, mis- interpreted and used against you. You can close a woman successfully using just the words of your voice alone. So anytime you are on company grounds, you are wise to keep non-work related interactions strictly verbal. NO TANGIBLES.
PITFALL 7: THE FRIEND'S ZONE
> You express too much interest in her, make yourself too available to her, and do too many nice things for her, when she has given you very little interest in return. You behave as if you're at her beck and call.
> Your conversations are too long and too frequent, like 10-minute conversations everyday.
> Your engage in casual chatting that doesn't stimulate her imagination and emotions. There is no sexual tension in your interactions.
Beware that when you exhibit such excessively friendly and casual behavior, some women at the workplace will test to see if you're friend's zone material. For example, some women (particularly those in committed relationships) will attempt to use you to "entertain" them when they're bored, and will listen as you talk on about your life, recent events, your ideas, etc. Others will use you as their therapist to vent about their problems, their lovers, or to receive attention and flattery from you. Put a stop to all this so they don't waste your time:
You: "I think you're a cool person, but I don't want to be your therapist (or entertainer), so maybe we can talk about something else." (keep a casual, upbeat tone)
And just like some women at the bar will ask men to buy them drinks, some women at the workplace will ask you for favors that are non-work related, but will have NO intentions of dating you. In response to her requests, be challenging:
Her: "Since you work in the I.T. department, can you help me with my home computer?" You: "Who do you think I am, Geek Squad? No, I don't do any work outside of my job." Her: "Can you hold my coffee while I get my keys from my purse?"
You: "Look Oprah, if I'm going to be part of your entourage, you're going to have to pay me."
Her: "I need a strong man like yourself to help me move some furniture into my house. Can you help?"
You: "Call 1-800-GO-UHAUL."
Also realize that if your target asks you for a non-work related favor, you can actually structure a direct closing opportunity in response, because you're responding to her non- work related request with one of your own:
Her: "Since you work in the Accounting Department, can you help me with my personal finances?"
You: "Maybe...Would you like to grab some lunch together sometime?"
In order to prevent a woman from manipulating you, understand that the most effective thing you can do in response to her non-work related request is to utterly REJECT IT, stand your ground and DON'T do the thing she asks. You can NOT be kidding around in
these situations. In other words, don't pretend to be a challenge and then follow-up by doing what she asks. And no beat around the bush excuses like, "I'm sorry, I'm pretty busy right now." Such soft behaviors only communicates to her that it's possible to still have her way with you, and she will continue asking for favors until you give in. Stand your ground. It's not necessary to behave like an asshole in the traditional sense, but you must communicate your rejection in a way that let's her know that you will not be her little servant. Simply saying "Nope, sorry." is good enough.
After rejecting her request for the first time, expect that every once in a while she will test you for entertainment, therapy or favors, but be ready to reject them. Over time, she will learn that she can't manipulate you, and you can never enter into her Friend's Zone. But at the same time, you should respond to her request based on previous encounters with her. If she's been genuinely investing in your interactions or has done favors for you, then you can safely do favors for her, but only in moderation. Just don't allow her to use your openness as a way of taking advantage of you.
Notice that certain favors she asks can actually work out in YOUR favor. For example, if what she asks requires that both of you be together OFF company grounds, and OFF the clock (such as helping her move furniture), then you can use that opportunity to
communicate your romantic and sexual interests without the risk of a harassment complaint. But again, you should honor her request only if she has been giving you strong interest or has done favors for you. In some cases, such a request is actually her way of closing you, but at this point she's very conscious about keeping her personal life private and is concerned about company gossip if you two are spotted together at a restaurant. The amount of interest and investment she has put in previous interactions are good indicators for determining if her request is the start of putting you into her Friend's Zone, or putting you into her bed.
If you feel you're heading into your target's friend's zone, then there are a few ways you can handle it:
1. Find out if she's already in a relationship.
If she's not wearing a wedding ring, find out if she's in a committed relationship. It's not necessary to do this if she's clearly giving you strong indicators of interest, but it's useful if you're not quite sure how interested she is in you (whether romantically, professionally, or platonically). But you want to do this to filter out the women who are already in a relationship, but will use your friendliness as a way of using you for favors,
"entertaining" conversation, or "therapy" to vent about their problems or to receive flattery and attention:
You: "I'm curious...Do you have a boyfriend? Her: "Yes", "No" or "Why"
You: "You have an interesting personality, and I was wondering if your boyfriend helps bring out that quality in you." or "You have a nice outfit, and I was wondering if your boyfriend noticed how much fashion sense you have." (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) You: "Your shoes are cute. Did your boyfriend get them for you?"
You: "Does your boyfriend other help you at home with the chores, or do you do everything?"
Notice that I prefer to use the term "boyfriend", as opposed to "significant other". This is in case your target turns out to be lesbian and she tells you "I have a girlfriend." or "I only date women." or "I don't date men." And if that's the case, then maybe you two can team up and influence women on each other's behalf. She can be your "wing girl".
2. Give her a "30-day window of opportunity" to escalate the relationship. This means that from the moment you begin targeting her specifically, she has 30 days to close you, or to accept your close. 30 days usually gives your target enough time to get past her period, get over her ex-boyfriend, get comfortable with you, and to take care of her personal circumstances at home, so that she has no excuse for not escalating the courtship with you. If she still wants to interact with you at work after her 30-day window has expired, then you have 2 options:
Option 1: Keep an upbeat tone and simply tell her that you're busy working and can't talk right now, or you can be a bit more blunt and say that you're not interested in talking. As you continue to tell her this with each of her approaches over time, she'll get the hint that you're no longer interested in her, and she'll leave you alone.
Option 2: Structure a DIRECT close. The ball is now in her court. It's now or never. She MUST accept this opportunity in order for you to continue the courtship. If she says No or beats around the bush, then it means she wants you to be HER FRIEND. At that point either be her friend to expand your social circle, or refer to option 1. Either way, put your time and effort into another target.
The 30-day window isn't being inconsiderate of her; you are providing her ample opportunity to escalate. Remember: Be flexible, but never too accommodating. If she were really interested in a romantic or sexual relationship with you, it wouldn't take her 30 days to want to escalate. And there are plenty of other women who can be closed much, much sooner. So the 30-day window is a frame of reference for you to manage your time wisely and not be strung along by women who are not genuinely attracted to you.
Understand that the best way to stay out of a woman's friend's zone is to be Elusive and Enchanting. Don't make yourself too available for conversation. And when you do interact with her, you should not blend in with the blandness of company politics. Your
presence and interaction must be a breath of fresh air to her otherwise mundane workday. This quickly elevates you above the average guys to becoming a potential suitor.
When it comes to women and their favors, it seems that I'm advocating a "Never do something for nothing" mentality. This is not so. It is admirable to do nice things for others without expecting anything in return. But it's different with a woman you're
attracted to, because you DO want something in return; you want to date her. So it is very easy to think that your availability to her will cause her to feel attracted to you. Nothing is impossible, but such a thing occurring is very rare.
So many men will jump at the opportunity for doing favors for a woman they're attracted to.
Remember, it's not the favors or availability that makes a woman attracted to you. It is the emotional connection and sexual tension. Therefore, avoid doing favors for women you're interested in dating. Focus on creating sexual tension, and being elusive.
This is prevent anyone from being wholly dependent on you for anything. Doing a favor every so often is fine, but if it becomes far too frequent, consider distancing yourself, not from the person, but from doing the favor. She could use some help with the heavy furniture, but talking your head off about her problems is not essential.
ESCAPING THE FRIEND ZONE
The basic premise for removing yourself from a woman's friend zone is to remove her emotional dependence on you. Remember, you are to date, not be someone's therapist and have lengthy conversations that won't lead anywhere.
One of the most effective things you can do to escape a woman's friend zone is to date other women. This serves two purposes:
1. It takes your mind and energy off her, and puts it on women who are giving you what you want.
2. It makes her jealous, because now her time with you is being infringed upon by other women.
During your conversation, interject with a comment related to the women you're seeing. You: "...yeah, the woman I'm seeing now was telling me about something similar." You: "Let's talk sometime later. I have to get ready for a date."
She may attempt to make you feel guilty by saying things like "I don't have any other male friends."
"No one in my family talks to me anymore." "I'm all alone, with no one else to talk to." "I thought we were friends."
She may even say these things through tears.
She's lived and survived in this world for at least two or three decades without you. She does not need you for her emotional well-being.
This may take a few months, but over time, you will receive fewer phone calls.
Reach out to them when they least expect it, but distance yourself when they reach out to for with their emotional problems.