Words are the least important part of seduction.
While you need to talk to girls, the specific choice of words itself makes very little difference in her overall attraction to you, compared to your nonverbal communication. You can have a great verbal game, but if you never lay a finger on the girl, you will never get intimate with her. And on the flipside, if you have really bad verbal game but your nonverbal game is strong, you will be able to make out and sleep with girls. A friend of mine in New York speaks poor English (he’s an immigrant from Russia), but he is very aggressive with physical escalation, especially in night game. As a result, he gets laid more frequently and more consistently than other guys who are native speakers of English, yapping at girls in the bars and clubs, and never entering their personal space.
For an introvert, verbal escalation is often a challenge. Introverts tend not to be very chatty in the first place. Small talk and chitchat is not very enjoyable to us. In addition, navigating conversations and leading conversations in a specific direction can be hard if you don’t have experience.
The way to properly escalate verbally is not by doing a lot of talking anyway. You want to say the right things, not a lot of different stuff. Focus on quality over quantity.
Quality over quantity
If you don’t like doing a lot of talking, concentrate your energy on saying things that are powerful, that get you far in the conversation and accomplish a lot all in one shot. By controlling the amount of words you say, you prevent yourself from “devaluing the currency” of your words. Your words carry more weight and you come across more powerful and in control. You want your words to pack a big punch. Concentrate a lot of passion, emotion and meaning into those words that you do say, and you will get much further than with lots of vapid talking.
What to talk about
There are four basic, general types of conversation, roughly lining up with light comfort, heavy comfort, light excitement and heavy excitement:
• Basic social comfort—getting to know each other on a basic level (light comfort)
• Deeper comfort/ rapport—getting to know each other on a deeper level (heavy comfort) • Flirting, teasing, joking and general fun (light excitement)
• Sexual innuendo (heavy excitement)
At the initial stages of a conversation when you first meet a girl, you will generally be focusing on light comfort and light excitement. This means you will mostly be doing basic social comfort and some basic flirting, teasing or joking around. The specific balance of comfort and excitement here is up to you. It depends on the girl’s personality, your personality and personal style, the way you approach her (if you approach direct or indirect for instance), and the context.
61 With some basic flirting and teasing, she will get the picture very quickly that you are interested in her. Too much will kill the vibe and the connection. Don’t squander the conversation on joke after joke. Guys who do this tend to be covering or hiding their true personalities. Instead, seek to share yourself and make yourself vulnerable so you are in a position to connect with her and lead her sexually. Everything in moderation.
Interesting conversation
Remember if you are an introvert, your big strength is in the comfort area, so leverage that to your advantage right from the start. Don’t exhaust yourself running in circles trying to flirt or joke like crazy with her. Even guys who are great at flirting and joking can become tiresome and tedious after a while if they do it too much. Again, focus your energy on high-impact, high-quality statements and questions, rather than a lot of watered-down chitchat.
Now, there is always a place for chitchat. The key is to not let the conversation devolve into a boring, bland interaction that you have had a million times before. Do not be afraid of chitchat—a little bit is perfectly normal and helps to soften things up and create a vibe of familiarity and normalcy. But for the most part, focus on interesting, engaging conversation with her.
This is even more important on dates and meet ups with girls. Interesting conversation requires
vulnerability and openness. It also requires the right kinds of topics. Ultimately, you will get so advanced that you will be able to talk about pretty much anything and it will feel powerful and unique. But in the meantime, focus on topics that you know will be interesting and engaging13, and that will help to bring both your and her personalities out. Thirty minutes of good conversation is worth more than five hours of boring, bland chitchat. And it is far more memorable.
Listening
Get in the habit of writing down several facts that you have learned about someone after talking with them. Every time you meet someone new and have a conversation with them, pay close attention. Later on, write down five to ten quick facts that you learned about them. This will help get you in the habit of listening and noticing specific facts about people.
You can start by focusing on basic facts like what the person does for a living, where they are from, what they were doing when you met them, how they like this city, or any other information that comes up during the conversation. And then over time you will be able to notice subtler details and more unique things about the person: they seemed bored or tired when you spoke to them; their computer died last week; their recently-discovered love for Thai food; a new diet they are starting, and so on.
This technique can be used for women you are attracted to, or just people in general.
Another technique for improving your listening skills is to pay close attention to what she says and repeat it back using different words, and then expand on it. For example:
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62 Woman: I recently came back from a trip to South America
Man: You were traveling in South America. What countries did you visit? W: I’ve never been to this bar before.
M: So this is your first time here. What do you think so far? W: I recently changed jobs.
M: So you have a new job, is it more fun?
Alternatively, you can react to her statement or question with an assumption embedded: W: Do you know any good bars around here?
M: You must be looking to party. [She responds yes/ no, and then you answer the question] W: I like shopping.
M: Oh no, you’re a shopaholic? [teasing] W: I like your jacket.
M: Thanks. You must be a fashion expert. [teasing] W: I need to buy a new car.
M: So you don’t like your car? W: The music in here sucks. M: Not a fan of rock music?
These are just a few examples out of literally countless potential scenarios.
Listening to her is the key to keeping the conversation going, and keeping it going in an interesting and engaging way. If you just listen to her, and focus on the moment that the two of you are in right now, you will never run out of things to say.
So on the one hand, you have what she is saying. On the other, you have what is going through your mind as she is talking. If she says she got into a fight with her roommate today, for example, then you might wonder “what was the fight about,” and voila, you have a basis to continue the conversation and keep it going. Or you might remember a time when you had a fight with a roommate, and that also gives you something to say. You can determine which conversational topics to use depending on how the conversation is flowing. Listen to what she is saying and connect with it.
Verbal game on a date or meet up
On a date or meet up with a girl, you should be doing very little in the form of basic social comfort conversation. Based on my own experience, I would say that the biggest percentage of the verbal content should be deep comfort and rapport. Flirting, teasing, sexual innuendo and basic social conversation should occupy a smaller percentage.
63 This is a general rule of thumb, and will vary for each guy of course. It will also vary depending on what you want. This is a good general rule if you want to sleep with the girl within the first few dates, and therefore want to generate lots of comfort and connection. If you are in a night game situation and you are screening out girls for a same night lay, then you can shift the weight of the verbal interaction more towards flirting and sexual innuendo (more towards the excitement side of the spectrum) and away from the comfort side of the spectrum. But regardless, for consistency, there should be a good dose of both. In most cases, comfort is the more important factor for a successful seduction.
I place sexual innuendo at a small percentage of the conversation because innuendo is all about heavier excitement and pushing her buttons. And it is far more important for you to escalate physically than to escalate verbally in this respect. Once again, nonverbal communication is way more important and more powerful than verbal. Given the choice between talking about sex and sexual topics, and actually doing things physically that increase intimacy (putting your arm around her, holding her hand, kissing her cheek, and so on), it is better to just do them. The physical escalation should be increasing as the date goes forward, so even though verbally you are mostly dealing with comfort and rapport, physically you are getting more sexual.
PUA routines
The problem with many of the classic pickup routines is that there is so little interaction between the girl and guy. Instead of developing a solid bond with the girl as you lead her in a conversation, these
routines often boil down to you “performing” for her by talking, and talking, and talking. She is there watching, listening (we hope anyway) and playing a passive role. You don’t want her to be passive, you want her to be active. Good conversation is a give-and-take process, not a one-sided process. It’s fine to use some routines to get things warmed up. If you aren’t sure what to do next, then feel free to use a routine (preferably one that you came up with). But ultimately, the seduction happens from the spontaneous and organic sexual connection between you and the girl.
Bailing or ejecting
A critical error that many guys make on the approach, particularly beginners, is leaving the conversation too early. They can’t think of anything else to say, the girl isn’t really contributing, and he feels
uncomfortable staying in. So he bails.
Sometimes the girl is just not interested and you can exit gracefully (just tell her to have a nice day and leave). However, many times the girl is open to you continuing. She is just waiting for you to keep talking. She is waiting for you to give her a little more to work with.
She might very well be nervous (it could be rare for a stranger to approach her, especially a guy who is at least somewhat interesting14) and she doesn’t really know what to do. It is your prerogative as the man and as the person who approached to lead things and push through that initial awkwardness or
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64 uncertainty. Once you get over that initial hump (maybe the first 20 to 60 seconds in most approaches), then things start to gather momentum. Before you know it, you’re in a solid conversation.
Conversational momentum
Once the conversation is underway, you have “conversational momentum.” Momentum enables you to guide the conversation more smoothly than if you are lurching from one awkward sentence to another. For example, suppose the guy and girl are talking about something safe and normal, and then he decides he wants to spice things up and flirt with her. If the conversation is flowing nicely and there is good momentum, it might go something like this:
Man: Yeah I saw that concert the other day, it was pretty cool. I love their music. Woman: My friend brought me, she always knows all the cool stuff to do in town.
M: Yeah I have a few friends like that who seem to know every awesome event in the city, and I’m always like “how do you hear about this stuff?”
W: Haha, I know.
[now he quickly follows up the laugh/ good energy with transitioning to flirting]
M: Of course, you’re a cute girl, so everyone probably wants you to come to their parties all the time W: Haha, maybe...
M: Yeah I think so.
W: I guess I do have some good connections.
M: I’m sure you do because I have the same situation. It’s hard to decide which party to go to. It’s not easy being beautiful!
W: Haha, it’s tough, but what are you going to do? Now compare that flowing conversation with this one: M: Yeah I saw that concert the other day, it was pretty cool.
W: My friend brought me, she always knows all the cool stuff to do in town. M: Yeah that’s cool.
W: Yeah.
M: So... how often do you do that kind of thing? W: Fairly often I guess.
M: Nice. W: Yeah.
[silence, now he wants to transition to flirting]
M: You’re pretty cute, so I guess you do a lot of cool stuff. W: Thanks. Um, yeah, I guess...
M: Heh.
Note that the second conversation has very little momentum. The guy is letting the energy fall from one statement to the next. He could keep it pumping by saying more, making more observations, or sharing more, but instead he lets it deflate. As a result, it’s hard for him to guide things in a more flirtatious
65 direction when he wants to. He has to either wait until the conversation magically gets to a better place, or he has to just bring it up out of the blue. In this case he brought it up out of the blue. As a result, the flirting has an awkward feeling to it.
As you get more experience having conversations with women, you will be able to develop that momentum more easily and frequently. Remember that conversation basically comes down to
observation and sharing. To improve your conversations and make them more engaging, you need to be either improving observation (observing more stuff or making better observations), or improving sharing (sharing more, or sharing better/ more interesting information), or both.
Experiment in your conversations. See what kinds of observations, statements and questions tend to elicit good responses and lead to engaging conversations. In the long run, the only way to really improve is through practice and experience.
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