In the long run, your nonverbal behavior will be determined by your mentality and attitude. But in the short term, you can develop a more compelling presence by consciously working on your nonverbal skills.
If you are an introvert, you are probably not a particularly talkative person. However, the good news is that you can generate sexual attraction without speaking, or even being particularly social. You don’t have to do a lot in the verbal realm in order to be more attractive or interesting to women. Focus your energy on your nonverbals. This is one of the biggest secrets to game for an introverted man.
If you are an introvert, and you aren’t getting any interest from women, then chances are your nonverbals are the culprit. If your nonverbals are good, and you think you aren’t getting any interest, chances are that you actually are getting interest from women, but you don’t realize it or don’t notice it. I have seen many students who had good body language and a good sense of style, who were attractive and got interest from women, but who did not realize how attractive they were and never noticed all the girls checking them out during the course of the day. If you assume that women don’t like you, then sure enough, you will not notice all the girls giving you signals of interest (eye contact, smiles, and open body language). Instead, you will notice all the girls not looking at you, walking too fast for you to talk to them, or turning away from you.
Realize that if you can carry yourself with more confidence and power, make and hold eye contact with attractive women, dress well and look your best, then women will notice you and you are in a position to capitalize on this attraction.
There are three critical areas of nonverbal communication: body language, eye contact and voice tone. Body language
Remember some general principles to guide your body movements: you want to be confident, comfortable in your own skin, unafraid to take risks, unafraid to take up space, and comfortable touching women8. These are qualities that women notice. Keep this in mind as you improve your body language.
When going out with a girl, your body language should be consistent with when you first met her. Your body language should be confident, relaxed and masculine throughout, from the approach all the way to the bedroom. Consistency in how you act helps engender comfort and trust on her part.
If you look at the body language of powerful and influential men—business and political leaders, men with high social status—there is a lot of relaxed control and calmness to their movements. One of the
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45 biggest mistakes that guys make is coming across too nervous or jittery. While it is understandable to be nervous in front of a beautiful woman (and we will discuss more on how you can beat that anxiety in later chapters), that doesn’t change the fact that it’s unattractive. The body language of a powerful, dominant man is stable, steady and smooth. Even men who are not all that powerful in the grand scheme of things—for example, a guy who is not the governor of anything, but maybe just a confident guy walking into a bar—can send a signal of power and dominance through their body language in this way.
Having those kinds of movements communicates self-assuredness and stability, which are highly attractive qualities to women. The main effect of this is to generate comfort. Just as a caring, responsible parent projects dominance, authority and self-trust and therefore provides a source of stability and comfort for his child, a sexually desirable man projects those same qualities when interacting with other people. As a leader (or a potential leader), he is not afraid of attention, and not afraid of other people generally. He feels safe and secure in his own space.
How does a person act when they are frightened, intimidated by those around them or afraid of the spotlight? They shrink and make their body smaller by slouching or curling up, they put their arms and hands in front of their chest, they might hide their face with their hands, turn away from others, frown, or put their hands in their pockets. All of these are defensive or self-protection movements. They do not show the image of a leader. They do not indicate someone who is willing to put himself out there and receive others.
Here are the main components of powerful and attractive body language: • Straight posture
• Head up, looking straight ahead (not down) • Uncrossed arms (not protecting one’s chest)
• Relaxed muscles throughout the body (every muscle group) • Relaxed facial muscles
• Calm overall energy—steady and relaxed hand gestures, head movements and body movements (no quick-moving, jittery or super-excited movements like vigorous nodding or constant
fidgeting while you’re talking)
Notice that all of these body language cues convey vulnerability and openness. A person who is protecting themselves or trying to avoid interaction with others does not have relaxed muscles and uncrossed arms with straight posture. Instead, they will contort their face into a frown, cross their arms, slouch and turn away from the crowd. That body language essentially says “I don’t want to talk to anyone, leave me alone, I don’t feel good right now.” By contrast, the powerful, open body language says “I am open to being approached and talked to.”
If you are an introvert, you may not be totally comfortable in social situations. You do not have to be the center of attention. But you do have to be comfortable putting yourself out there and being present in situations where there are other people. Over time as you gain experience, you will loosen up and
46 become more comfortable, and your body language will reflect that. In the meantime, pay attention to the signals your body and face are sending. If they don’t scream “talk to me, I’m a friendly person” they should at least be neutral and nonthreatening.
Finally, pay attention to your walk as well as your stationary body language. You want to walk in a steady, controlled fashion. Walk with straight posture, head up, relaxed muscles, and even a little swagger. If there is no reason to rush, don’t. Take your time and walk at your own pace. Walk with open body language (hands out of the pockets; don’t cross your arms in front of your chest; relaxed and friendly face) and don’t be afraid to let people look at you as you walk down the street or enter a room. Be happy to let people notice you and check you out.
Once you master effective body language, you will be in a position to play around with it and bend the rules. For instance, if you are a tall guy (taller than most people around you at any given time), then you have the freedom to slouch a little bit when talking to people. Slouching makes you a little shorter, but since everyone else is so much shorter than you, it makes no difference. It may even make you seem more relaxed and laid back. You can lean against a wall with lazy posture while a girl is facing you talking, and project a kind of laid back ease that says “I know you’re mine, come get me.”
Eye contact
Eye contact is one of the most important elements of attraction and seduction, and one that is not given enough attention in much of pickup and dating advice. It is almost impossible for a woman to sexually desire a man who is incapable of holding eye contact with her. Improving your eye contact is another very simple, but extremely powerful tool for you to improve your results.
Remember to have a general policy of holding eye contact with women. As a rule, you want to hold eye contact and let her break it. During conversation, hold eye contact for most of the interaction. Look away from time to time because that is natural and normal, but for the most part you want to be holding eye contact with her. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the more eye contact you make with someone, the more of a connection you will be able to generate.
Eye contact conveys dominance and confidence. It also shows a willingness to be vulnerable and open yourself up: you are not hiding anything, you are not trying to avoid the other person’s gaze, you are willing to look them straight in the face and communicate directly. People with low confidence, or who have something to hide, will usually avoid eye contact with people. And this certainly applies to a lot of men when they interact with attractive women. By contrast, attractive and confident men are
comfortable looking a beautiful woman in the eyes
Strong eye contact goes hand-in-hand with relaxed and confident facial expressions. When you make eye contact with someone, remember to have relaxed facial muscles. You don’t want to look particularly angry, sad or happy. Just a confident, friendly face is good as a default.
This also enables you to convey genuine emotion more clearly. If you are constantly making facial expressions and reacting to everything she says like it’s amazing or a big deal, then when she actually
47 does say or do something interesting or exciting, it will be that much harder for you to convey an honest reaction. You’ve “devalued the currency” by gesticulating so much. Instead, keep calm and normal, and let the emotions come out organically during the conversation.
Voice tonality
Your voice should be deep and low throughout as well, but especially as you get more intimate through kissing, making out, or during foreplay. You will notice that when you get closer to a girl and the physical escalation gets more serious, your voice automatically gets lower. You can replicate this phenomenon in earlier stages of the seduction through conscious practice. It sends a sexual signal to the girl and helps to induce her own sexual energy in response. In fact, just saying the exact same thing with a low/ deep voice instead of a high or light voice can totally change the energy of the conversation and make it far more sexual.
Being relaxed is a big theme with all these nonverbal behaviors. Voice tonality is no exception. You will notice that when you are nervous or tense, your tonality is different (less powerful and less confident) than when you are relaxed and feeling good. Try to relax at all times and speak from your chest or diaphragm, instead of from your nose or throat. Breathe and let the air flow to give your voice more power.
Don’t ignore volume or loudness. A lot of guys are too quiet when they speak to women. Again, this is directly tied to their nervousness, fear of saying the wrong thing and fear of taking the risk. When you speak loudly and clearly so people can hear you, you are making yourself vulnerable and exposing yourself to rejection, judgment and criticism. And that is precisely the point—a confident, dominant man living life on his own terms is not fazed by that.
If you find that women often say “what?” or ask for clarification when you speak, that is an indication you are not speaking loudly enough. Try speaking louder. You can always calibrate and adjust it if you get too loud. But in general the problem most guys have is speaking too quietly, not too loud.
These three elements—more confident and smooth body language/ body movements, strong eye contact, and a deeper and stronger voice—together can totally change the way you come across, even without any other effort or changes on your part. This is the power of nonverbal communication. You will also notice that over time, as you gain more experience talking to and seducing women, you will naturally adopt these stronger and more dominant behaviors effortlessly.
Fashion, clothing and grooming
After your movements and the vibe you give off, the last main element of nonverbal communication is the most superficial—your clothes, style, hair and grooming9. Your personal style should be unique and relevant to you. There should be at least a little edginess, and you should be willing to wear clothes or accessories that make you stand out (this is in-line with being a leader or a guy who is open to others and willing to get attention).
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48 Good grooming means smelling good and being clean. Shower regularly and use deodorant. I’m not a big fan of cologne myself, but feel free to use it when on a date or in day game or night game. Just make sure to experiment and find the right scent for you because different colognes will react differently with your body chemistry (they usually smell good when you first put them on, but after several hours, you might smell very different than what you expected).
Look at attractive men and high status men who look similar to you or have a similar face or head, and see what they do with their hair. Your hair can be a simple short cut or a more elaborate, long style, or anything in between. Whatever you choose, it should be consistent with your identity and your general style (a Mohawk might be really cool for a guy in a rock band, but inappropriate for lawyer). And it should look intentional and like you made an effort to look good. The same rules apply to your facial hair. Decide what looks good for you and what feels good. Have a little edge, and be willing to experiment.
All of these superficial measures reflect confidence and that you are willing to treat yourself well and present yourself in the best light. You don’t just walk out of the house in any random thing. You actually take care to look your best because you want the best for yourself in all things.
Seduction is primarily nonverbal
Seduction, and therefore excitement and comfort, are primarily nonverbal, for the vast majority of people. It’s not stringing together the right series of sentences that makes a woman feel stimulated or comfortable with a man. It’s his eyes, the way he laughs at her jokes, the way he holds her hand when she’s telling a story, the way he smiles at her when she makes a sexual innuendo, his facial expressions as he looks at her, and more.
This does not mean that explicitly saying something like “I love how artistic you are, that’s really cool” cannot be effective. It can, but it has to be genuine. It has to be both (1) a genuine expression of appreciation and desire, and (2) the way that you really communicate. Introverted men often prefer to communicate through actions and gestures rather than words. To recite a big statement that you prepared in your head (or worse, that you heard from an expert on YouTube) will usually hurt your cause more than help it. Personally, I prefer to communicate appreciation and desire through my body and the way I look at a girl, rather than through official declarations using the English language. Focusing on the nonverbal aspect of seduction, and facilitating comfort and excitement through nonverbal means, is a better use of your energy and more effective than focusing on the verbal aspect. It’s better to focus 70% of your energy on nonverbal game, and 30% on verbal, than the other way around.
Nonverbal communication is, in short, all of the unspoken ways that you communicate your status, personality, confidence, mental state, sexuality and masculinity. All of these things, together, give a woman more information about you than anything you say about yourself, or anything you say, period. Pay attention to how you act, how you move, and what your body, your voice and your eyes say about you when interacting with others.
49 This is not to say that verbal game is totally unnecessary. Words can and do make a difference, and you can use them to your advantage. But they are not the primary factor.
Look at the verbal conversation as a small slice of the overall conversation. The vast majority of the actual communication between you and a woman is happening on the nonverbal level. Therefore if you are not paying enough attention to the nonverbal component, you are either failing to communicate most effectively, or you are communicating the wrong thing. As a man who is interested in seducing women, you should pay closer attention to your nonverbal actions, than to your actual words. Women respond far more to your emotions and overall mood and energy, than the words that come out of your mouth. This is why two men with the exact same script or routine can have drastically different reactions from women, and extremely different results. One guy may be saying those words in a confident, relaxed, emotionally open way, while the other is saying them in a nervous, awkward and stiff manner. Because the vast majority of human communication is nonverbal, it is the nonverbal component that makes the biggest impact on the woman and how she feels with the man.
Nonverbals also help explain why a man can seduce a woman and get her sexually excited while barely saying anything at all in a nightclub environment, and also why a man can seduce a woman even though they don’t speak the same language. Guys who focus so much on the “right thing to say” are seriously holding themselves back. Don’t focus on the right thing to say, focus on the right way to be.
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