1.3. La Conversación en lengua extranjera
1.3.5. Las conversaciones en lengua franca
“Loneliness is to endure the presence of one who does not understand”
-Hubbard (1856-1915)
When translating theories of the nature of loneliness for application to
psychotherapy with older people, an operational definition is needed; the first step is to agree on a working ecological description of the phenomenon (Knight & Laidlaw, 2009). In Chapter Two, initial considerations in understanding loneliness were put forward, namely common elements which, despite the lack of definitional consensus in the field, provided a basis for the definition to be used in this study. These core
elements included the differentiation of loneliness from aloneness (e.g., Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008), and the distressing nature of loneliness (e.g., Rook, 1984), which entails the need for satisfying interpersonal relationships (see Weiss, 1974). Next, the various theoretical perspectives on loneliness were elaborated, including the psychodynamic, existentialist, cognitive, and interactionist theories. From the latter perspective, loneliness is viewed as stemming from the interaction of situational and personal factors (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). To this, Weiss (1973) added that isolation from different types of relationships (e.g., romantic, friendships) can lead to the experience of two main kinds of loneliness: social and emotional.
Based on this proposal, loneliness in this study was conceptualised as an emotional response to the difference between desired and available interpersonal relationships, whether social, family or intimate (DiTomasso & Spinner, 1997; Weiss, 1974; 1973). This definition was provided early in the SEC to provide a rationale for the course, and to offer a basis for participants to think about, and reflect on, their own understanding of what loneliness is or is not. At all times however, the participants’ take on loneliness was given first priority, whether at the initial interview, during the SEC, or after its completion.
The first theme, termed “Understanding Loneliness”, thus consisted of the participants’ personal definitions of loneliness, and associated examples. This theme was divided into two sub-themes, namely ‘The Nature of Loneliness’ and ‘Causes of Loneliness’. These sub-themes are examined in detail below.
The Nature of Loneliness
As discussed in Chapter Two, a primary consideration in defining the construct in the literature is to discern loneliness from aloneness. This distinction is important insofar as it has a direct impact on the search for appropriate solutions to loneliness. As stated by Weiss: “Only those who are not lonely suppose that loneliness can be cured merely by ending aloneness” (1973, p. 17).
In line with this, many participants differentiated the two concepts, for example:
[Loneliness is]
Different than being alone... Maybe the consciousness that I am standing alone. Malvina
One participant elaborated on this distinction by highlighting the internal feeling associated with being alone:
Being by yourself, feeling by yourself. Liz
Whereas one participant referred to loneliness in terms of time duration;
Being on your own continuously. Robert
Another spoke of the negative and painful nature of that feeling:
A form of extreme unhappiness of being alone. Edith
One participant extended the definition of loneliness to the absence of shared interests with other people:
A feeling of aloneness; you can be in a crowd of people whose interests you don’t share and feel very alone. Mary
Another explained that feeling lonely, even in a crowd, can result from one’s reaction to others:
Feeling isolated. You can be lonely even in a crowd, depending on how you react to people. Thelma
In line with the last quotes, a core and common feature of loneliness across theories consists of the desire for interpersonal relationships, whether social, or intimate (Earnst & Cacioppo, 1999; Victor et al., 2000; Weiss, 1973). More specifically, there is an increasing emphasis in the literature on loneliness for the importance of meaningful relationships, rather than random social contact (Cramer & Barry, 1999; Routasalo et al., 2009). Correspondingly, participants tended to associate loneliness with a lack of companionship;
Or,
No one to talk to. Francis
Another spoke similarly about the link between loneliness and feeling unaccompanied:
I can’t [define loneliness]... at the moment I feel “accompanied”. Malvina But for most participants, loneliness was associated with a lack of particularly significant relationships, such as friendship, or marriage;
Being isolated from human contact. Having no friends and being alone. Ann
And,
Nobody around you, not having a spouse or friend close by. Peggy
Some participants specified loneliness as the absence of someone meaningful around in times of need. To illustrate:
A feeling of being totally alone, no one to turn to or rely on... [For example] having young children, no car, no bus service, no phone... Mary
In line with this, the need or desire for relationships was emphasised by several participants; for instance:
Feeling that you want company. Liz
As per the definition of loneliness proposed in the course, some participants highlighted the inconsistency between desired and available relationships;
Needing company more than you have. Edith
And,
Being by yourself and feeling that you would like to be with people.
[For example] another resident who needs to be with people; gregarious? Joy
As a result of their participation in the course, where the multidimensional nature of loneliness was emphasised, some defined loneliness as a multidimensional
phenomenon. To illustrate, one participant discussed the variations between family, romantic, and social loneliness, respectively, including what each can mean for different people:
Family can be tricky because you tend to either believe it is not your fault or that it’s gone on so long that the damage is irreparable. A good starting point is to think blood is thicker than water, it is important that you enjoy
kinsmanship and a sense of belonging as a family.
Romantic loneliness is many different things to different people. Someone who is bereft of friends. Nigel
Altogether, loneliness was portrayed by most as a negative and painful experience; such as;
Sadness. Bill
And,
Depressive type of things. Agnes
In actual fact, many references were made to the relationship between loneliness and depression, whether as similar constructs (as in the above quote), as one leading to the other;
Someone getting depressed. Tom
Or as pure synonyms:
Depression. Malvina
Being depressed. Agnes
One participant provided an example of a lonely person as having ‘a form of depression’, including feelings of not being wanted:
A friend with a form of depression, laments that they feel ‘out of it’, not wanted
or needed. Nigel
It is interesting to note the frequent use of the term ‘depression’ in this context, particularly since the term was not purposefully utilised (whether as example or within the therapeutic work) in the SEC. Furthermore, participants belong to a generation of people for whom the use of such psychologically-oriented language may be a more recent, rather than historical occurrence. In fact, at several occasions during the course, participants talked about how difficult it had been for them to talk about personal or emotional issues in the past (the following theme “The Past in the Present” provides examples of this). That being said, it is important to keep in mind that, for participants, the definition of the term depression may differ from that of psychology practitioners,
as viewed from a diagnostic perspective, for instance (APA, 2000).
In the following excerpt, Mary linked loneliness, depression and resentment as painful symptoms resulting from life situations. She also spoke about her process of learning during the SEC, namely in recognising, and eventually dealing with, these painful symptoms:
Hopefully this leaves you with a certain skill in recognising the painful symptoms these situations leave you with: i.e. loneliness, resentment, depression and draw on the past to find ways of dealing with them. Mary
Causes of Loneliness
In this study, loneliness was put forward as originating from the loss of means to address intimate and/or social needs (see, e.g., Bowlby, 1993; Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008; Weiss, 1973). Since relational homeostasis is unlikely to trigger the experience of loneliness, loneliness was proposed as resulting from changes in relationships such as loss or conflict. Correspondingly, the data revealed that participants often viewed loneliness as resulting from circumstances external to the self, such as following an involuntary separation.
Notwithstanding this, participants also expressed their understanding of loneliness as originating from internal factors, as in being lonely from not making enough effort. In effect, the pejorative nature of loneliness was made explicit when some participants referred to loneliness as emerging, for instance, from personality traits;
Self-pity, [for example] a withdrawn person. Bill
And,
Someone who hasn’t got the personality or ability to be happy, someone
without a sense of humour – no sense of humour is death. Walter
One participant extended these claims by describing how one’s personality characteristics can lead to difficulties in engaging with others:
Being unable to talk to people, to join in, being a pessimist rather than an
optimist. Thelma
Whereas one participant spoke about loneliness as resulting from bad-temperedness;
Constant grumpiness. George
Another suggested the role of one’s outlook on things, particularly on other people: Someone who looks/perceives others as better off. Nigel
Loneliness as self-inflicted was also described in reference to a lack of effort, particularly in terms of engaging with one’s environment;
Being bored by yourself – no interests, no planned activities and no friends.
Joy And,
Not having anything to do (not busy). Tom
Likewise, some participants associated loneliness with boredom;
Or with a lack of interest:
Not being interested in anything. Agnes
The stigma commonly associated with loneliness in old age (Creagh, 1995; Gibson, 2000; Jylhä, 2004; Steed et al., 2007) was made clear by some participants’ attitude towards lonely people:
Sitting there doing nothing, like these people (pointing to other residents). Liz
Likewise, Ann portrayed a representation of the potential needs of a lonely person:
Someone who would latch on to me. Ann
During the course, a small number of participants reported not being lonely, or
specifically, having never experienced loneliness throughout their lives. This is entirely plausible, insofar as loneliness seems to be largely an individual phenomenon, and can therefore be experienced (or not) in a totally idiosyncratic way. However it is also possible that the shame and resistance linked with loneliness (Donaldson & Watson, 1996), specifically among older populations (Victor et al., 2000; Weiss, 1973), may have led some participants to prevent themselves from being associated with its experience altogether. For instance:
Don’t know. I have never been lonely. Tom
In contrast to the internally-attributed causes of loneliness, participants also reflected on the aetiology of loneliness as related to external factors. Specifically, some spoke about the feeling of not being wanted or not welcome by others. For example;
I should think not being wanted. Mable
And,
Not feeling welcome in a group. Thelma
Similar to the feeling of rejection introduced in the two previous quotes, Nigel described loneliness as feeling alone in the world, paired with a perception of being abandoned or misunderstood by others:
Feeling alone in the world - no one cares about me or understands me. Nigel
Loneliness was further described by participants as resulting from various types of separations. For example, in proportion to the specific challenges associated with aging (Knight, 2004; Knight & Lee, 2008; Knight & Poon, 2008), some participants spoke about loneliness as in being separated from others due to illness:
Having nobody to talk to, no physical presence, being in hospital. Being widowed or separated by illness. Peggy
Others mentioned the sensation of loneliness and emptiness associated with having to leave their home for a new/unfamiliar environment, whether temporarily;
When employed by several large companies travelling overseas in strange cities in the context of working in another language. George
Or permanently:
Emptiness, [for example] moving from home to a rest home... big shock. Robert
In line with the aetiology of loneliness as rooted in the attachment theory (Bowlby, 1973; 1980; 1988), the most discussed separation was that resulting from the loss of significant people;
Losing a husband and friends. Ann
And,
Be unhappy, having lost a beloved husband. A friend of mine who is a widow with no children, no siblings, no cousins, and whose friends have nearly all died or are ailing. Edith
In particular, the loss of a spouse was frequently put forward as an important cause of loneliness. This may be due, in part, to the fact that people in their 80s have typically shared a life-long relationship with a spouse. It is likely that the loss of what may have been the longest-standing, and potentially most meaningful relationship in their life, would lead to deep feelings of despair and loneliness. This great challenge associated with old age corresponds to Drennan’s (2008) findings that the most frequent form of loneliness experienced by older people was, indeed, romantic loneliness.
Examples of participants’ comments include: Someone who loses a partner. Robert Widower-widowhood. Bill
During the initial interview, one participant became teary when she related loneliness to her personal experience of longing for her beloved husband:
Someone who has lost a partner for a long time... I miss my husband dreadfully. Mable
Another predicted the possibility of experiencing loneliness in the future if his wife died before him:
If my wife died before me, I would be lonely. I wouldn’t cope with it. George
Alternatively, a few participants emphasised the experience of losing a child as particularly difficult. For example, Edith spoke on the loss of a child in the context of what she had learnt from listening to others during the SEC:
I have also learnt that the only grief that people are never able to overcome is
the grief of losing a child, that they can and do adapt to the loss of a spouse –
up to a point. Edith
Similarly, Mary reflected on the usefulness of the group process in learning about how others managed to rebuild their lives after such a painful loss:
It also helps to hear how people managed to rebuild their lives after, say, the death of a child which is something that I have always thought would be the most dreadful, heartbreaking thing. Mary
Finally, the relationship between loss and loneliness was further exemplified by the loss of faculties and associated reduction of activities;
Missing someone [for example] wife or some activity no longer possible. Bill
And,
Being separated from physical things, loss of faculties, [for example] being
blind, deaf. Francis
Summary - Understanding Loneliness
In summary, “Understanding Loneliness” provided a window into the
participants’ personal meanings of loneliness. By merging data collected prior to, and after the SEC, it was predicted that this theme would allow for a greater understanding of individual experiences, definitions, as well as examples associated with loneliness. This understanding would, in turn, provide a working definition to be used during the Self-Enrichment Course (a common language for therapy), and contribute to the existing body of knowledge about loneliness.
In many ways, the definitions provided by participants in ‘The Nature of Loneliness’ aligned with formal definitions of loneliness in the literature. First, participants’ accounts substantiated loneliness as a painful and multiform experience, and as different from being alone. The desire or need for relationships generally associated with the experience of loneliness was also conveyed.
Next, the relationship between loneliness and depression was made explicit, which was a surprising finding given that this association was not clearly explored during the SEC. The fact that participants spoke about depression of their own accord may well indicate a newly acquired ability to talk about emotions following the SEC, particularly since depression was not explicitly talked about before the course.
Alternatively, the use of depression as synonymous with loneliness; e.g., in a pejorative way, could add support to research pointing to the shame associated with loneliness among older people. On the whole, depression and loneliness are two phenomena commonly discussed in conjunction in the psychological literature (see, e.g., Adams et al., 2004; Blazer, 2002; Blazer et al., 2004; Weiss, 1982) and it is interesting that this was the case in this context also.
In ‘Causes of Loneliness’, participants proposed that there are both internal and external causes of loneliness, such as a lack of effort and rejection from peers,
respectively. This provided an interesting angle from which to consider the
phenomenon, particularly in later stages of life, where the interface between the self and the environment has been perceived as increasingly important (Gibson, 2004; Knight, 2004; Knight & Poon, 2008; Laidlaw et al., 2003). This dual emphasis on personal and environmental factors contributing to the experience of loneliness also corresponds to the interactionist theory, where loneliness can originate from the lack of an attachment figure, the absence of a social network perceived as adequate, or both (Bowlby 1973; Victor et al., 2000). Yet from an interactionist viewpoint, experiencing loneliness is a possibility for all individuals at every stages of life (Weiss, 1973), rather than the domain of specific personality types, for instance (Fromm-Reichmann, 1959).
The personal meaning of loneliness was evident in descriptions of loneliness as originating from separation and loss. If Weiss’ claim that loneliness originates from early attachment behaviour holds, it makes sense that participants discussed the role played by separation from loved ones in causing loneliness. On the other hand, the importance given by participants to loneliness as self-inflicted has shed some light on the extent of the stigma associated with the construct, and has highlighted the
importance of normalising loneliness in future interventions. That participants emphasised the internal origin of loneliness also points to the importance of considering self-efficacy in therapeutic interventions.
To conclude, “Understanding Loneliness” showed that participants drew from their personal experiences when providing their understanding of the phenomenon. For example, some gave examples of witnessing lonely people in their everyday lives, or talked openly about their own feelings of loneliness. Alternatively, participants spoke about loneliness in the context of their learning experience during the course. This was evidenced, for instance, when participants referred explicitly to other group members’ experience, or defined loneliness in terms of family, social and romantic loneliness. The next theme, “The Past in the Present”, extends on these claims by highlighting specific mechanisms through which participants learned during the SEC.