ETAPA IV: MEJORAS DE LAS ACTIVIDADES CRÍTICAS

The sense that women were burdened with responsibility emerged from the interviews. One of these major burdens seemed to be around access and supervision. Emily attested that if it is not supervised by the court, then the women “have to find a way to sort it themselves. And that, even they do it themselves, which lots of women would just buckle under and do it and deal with it, and put up with the abuse”. More specifically, she pointed out:

Many, many, many, who just deal with it [the abuse] outside of it [the court] in their own way and who's to say that isn't better in some ways, you know, I mean it’s really difficult for us to judge isn't it? I have met people who have been dealing with a situation like that with their ex-partner for ten to fifteen years and they have just sucked it up and made it work but and that's hugely damaging and

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hugely damaging for the children to have seen those dynamics and go on probably to think that’s OK.

Susan expressed concern over this responsibility as well. She explained that “the woman has on-going contact that she'd rather not have with the abusive partner”, on order to keep her children safe:

Umm so say the women does have to have him coming to the door to pick up the children, and he comes in and she’s not able to just get him to just leave. Or umm a woman with very young children, who he’s not used to looking after, and he’s officially got an access visit for the whole weekend and he, in the instance I’m thinking of, he just come back to the house a couple hours later with two crying, you know, a crying baby, and a crying toddler, and she lets him in and lets him there for the weekend, having his access visit, because she’s concerned for her children, and she knows he’s not able to care for them.

So, “even if he’s difficult and unreliable, it's like, almost like the mother is responsible for creating these visits for the children and making it all happen. It just, it actually shouldn't have to be her responsibility”. In one of her experiences with her clients, Violet talked about the responsibility that was placed upon her client, the impact this had, and what it must be like for those who do not have the support of organisations such as Refuge:

She got to a point where she burst into tears and then this young woman said ok, I will see what I can do, but she found the whole thing traumatic…And it made us think about, what about women that can't pick that phone up, you know or can't um advocate for themselves or even understand that they're allowed to, you know like and then they could end up in a situation of mediation being in the

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same room as their ex-partner…with this new process she had to write her own application for a parenting order without the help of a lawyer…she had done this big application and then she cried because she said I felt like I you know

I poured my heart into this application and now it’s not going anywhere and it, yeah it was just really traumatic for her.

Jane seemed to have experienced this burden of responsibility with a number of her clients. She made the point there could be “lots” of women who do not engage with their services, especially when abuse is psychological and they may “just think that it’s a bad relationship; made some bad choices there”. She explained further that women do take responsibility and can “bear the most incredible burdens”. Even throughout

managing the abusive relationship and custody dispute, women “carry on working, raising their kids, maybe looking after parents, being good friends to people, like they're managing all that stuff”. Jane further explained that when fathers do have access, women often take responsibility for ensuring their child is safe, even if it means putting her safety at risk:

And often, guys have had nothing to do with kids, and if they're small babies, they've never changed a nappy, they wouldn't know how to make the bottle and yet they want shared care. And she's completely freaked out. And you know what she ends up doing. Ok, you can come and see the baby here at my house. And next minute he's parked up, boots under her table, having dinner. Because that's what’s safe, that ok if I have to let him see the kids. At least then I’ll know the kids safe… And then it's like I may as well get back into the relationship, actually that's best for the kids. And in some ways she's right...because without

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her there to protect the kids, who's going to protect the kids. And then people say how could you subject your children to that.

Women’s lives are negatively impacted, and they may blame themselves for what has happened. They may not realise that what they have been through was really traumatic, and that it is normal to struggle with the effects of violence:

And you know what's really sad about it, is that um rather than seeing that something was done to them that was unjust and had no true basis for that happening, they do live their lives thinking that they caused that to

happen…They're a bit crazy, they're a bit ugly, they're a bit fat, they're a bit dumb… Yeah they're needy, demanding. Like she's going to live her life thinking those horrible things happened to me because of me. That's what’s really sad about it… You know we expect women to be depressed. We expect them to have had suicidal thoughts. We expect them you know to have a variety of mental health stuff going on for them. You don't work with a woman who experiences domestic violence whose mental health is not impacted. They don't sleep, they have panic attacks, they're depressed, they can't eat, can't stop eating, they're drinking too much, they're taking too many drugs. Yeah they're self- harming. Like yeah, yes you are, absolutely you are. We would expect you to be doing all of those things as a response to your experience of domestic violence. That's completely normal. And that freaks her out when she hears that shit. She's like what, normal, I’m not crazy.

In a more specific experience, Jane explained the effect on her client and how it “impacted on her ability to do her job, um she felt quite insecure about some of the

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parenting stuff, she was second-guessing herself about moving into another relationship”.