Does it ever seem to you that perhaps you’ve been fighting a game that just isn’t fair? That you’ve tried very, very hard to feel better, but it’s just not working? What if trying hard, doing all the right things, and trying to play by the rules is just not fixing what seems to be wrong with you? It may in fact be that this is not the way out of the tug-of-war with your history. Maybe everything you’ve tried is not going to work because the rules you learned very early on just don’t work in the realm of thoughts and feelings. You might think, “No one taught me any rules about all this. What are you talking about?” Let’s take another step back and look at what most of us learned about this game of life.
Very early on, most of us learn that good kids are those who do not cry or make a fuss, kids who try not to cause much trouble, who play by the rules and don’t upset the grown-ups (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999). Basically, if you’re good, you don’t rock the boat. Now, we’re not trying to imply that this is some sort of grand conspiracy. We both have raised children and recognize how most of this starts. We tell our babies that they are good when they are quiet and cooperative. We smile and coo at our happy, easy babies. We ignore children when they’re throwing a tantrum. Wow, think
children when they’re throwing a tantrum. Wow, think about the message here! Some of you may even remember the old saying that children should be seen and not heard. [Take a moment here to notice how you are feeling right now.] While you might not hear those exact words now, a lot of the same messages are there.
Sometimes these messages are conveyed directly, such as in praise for a child who does not complain. But more subtle messages are also being sent, and it’s in these that the problems start. At times, parents imply to kids that adults do not feel or shouldn’t feel fear, pain, or sadness by saying things like “See, Dad is not afraid,” or “Big boys don’t cry.” In some families children are told “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” And when there is abuse, the messages can be even deeper and darker. Children are told not to ever talk about what happened, at times even being threatened with death if they tell. Sometimes children are told to ignore their own natural instincts—being told “That doesn’t hurt” even when it does. And so it begins: the pattern of denying your feelings, of denying yourself. Basically, by the time we get to adulthood, we have had a lifetime of learning to try to suppress feelings or thoughts that are unpleasant to ourselves or to others.
The intent of this learning can vary a lot. Sometimes it is really not badly intentioned but just a part of the status quo. Sometimes, it is to cover up a secret. Either way, we learn some pretty basic rules that are supposed to make life work. These messages can be conveyed indirectly, through modeling, such as a parent who never appears sad or afraid even in face of dire situations like divorce or death, or a parent who is ultraoptimistic and never allows a child to express fear, doubt, or sadness. Remember the hidden messages in expressions such as “Buck up” or “You can do anything you really put your mind into,” or very quick solutions to expressed concerns, such as “Just do it” or “Don’t worry, nothing
concerns, such as “Just do it” or “Don’t worry, nothing will go wrong.” Although often well-intentioned, these seemingly optimistic messages are simply teaching children (and adults) not to express emotions that make parents (or others) uncomfortable. Sometimes this message is passed on to children exactly because parents or others do not know how to resolve the problems either! [Pay attention to your breathing at this moment.] Sometimes messages such as “Just think positive” can come across as “Don’t tell me about things that make me uncomfortable,” and in fact, sometimes we see that people whose illnesses are progressing despite treatment feel blamed by others for the worsening of the illness, as if they, by implication, haven’t had enough positive thoughts to contain the illness.
The bottom line is that: we are constantly bombarded with messages such as these:
Difficult emotions and thoughts should not exist. But if they do, they should be controlled. We can make our feelings positive.
Having positive feelings can stop bad things from happening.
Can you really will yourself to feel different? You might try an experiment. For instance, you might try to make yourself have a crush on someone. Just pick someone and decide to make yourself feel those feelings that come with the first blush of infatuation. Make sure that you feel that warmth inside, the butterflies in your stomach, and the happy feelings you feel when the person walks into the room. The task is not to date the person or have any real interaction with him or her. The task is just to make yourself feel all those lovely, giddy, warm feelings you get when you meet someone who brings out those responses. If you’re like everyone we have ever met, you can’t just turn these feelings on or
have ever met, you can’t just turn these feelings on or decide to have them. In our experience, feelings don’t work that way. And yet we are told all the time to change our feelings. [Notice what you are feeling right now as we say this.]
Exercise 4.1: Your Early Messages
This exercise is an effort to understand yourself and your specific history better. Take a few minutes right now and write down some of the messages that you received as a child that implied that negative emotions (or emotions that were judged to be negative), such as sadness, anger, fear, self-doubt, jealousy, envy, or guilt, should not be felt or should be suppressed. When you consider who taught you this idea of controlling feelings, think not just of your parents but also of siblings, relatives, teachers, schoolmates, books, magazines, newspapers, TV, and movies.
Messages that implied that negative emotions and thoughts are bad:
____________________ ____________________ ____________________
Messages that implied that others either don’t feel these emotions and thoughts or, if they do, that they can get rid of them:
____________________ ____________________ ____________________
Where have you received these messages as an adult?
____________________ ____________________ ____________________