We have talked about not getting caught up in the struggle of avoidance as it relates to pain and trauma and how this avoidance can turn pain into suffering. This can all make some intellectual sense to you and you may even agree that not avoiding is a good idea, in theory. We are at the point of asking you to make a leap that will take you beyond just thinking this through. Are you willing to make some big changes in your life? The type of changes we are talking about go beyond intellectual decisions to be different; we are talking about a whole new way of looking at life—something that might even be called a paradigm shift. A visual example of this shift might give you a sense of this new way of being in the world.
Metaphor: Chinese Handcuffs Have you ever seen the toy that is sometimes called Chinese handcuffs (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999; Hayes and Smith 2005)?
These handcuffs are a tube that has some elasticity because it’s made up of loosely interlaced straw strips. The unsuspecting child, or adult, is told to put a finger from each hand firmly into this tube first and then try to get the fingers out without destroying the tube. If you haven’t seen one of these before or played with it, we highly recommend trying it. The usual first response is to try to pull the fingers out, which only makes the tube tighten around the fingertips as the straw laces draw closer together. Instead of loosening, the handcuffs’ grip gets stronger. The more you pull, the worse it gets. We’ve seen people get so upset at being caught that they end up taking the handcuffs apart out of frustration. Paradoxically, the way out of the handcuffs is to push the fingers further into the tube to the point where the straw strips actually expand out in width as the finger trap becomes smaller in length. This is a situation where the intuitive reaction—to pull your fingers out—does not work. The effective, workable solution is illogical, counterintuitive. Sometimes the world of thoughts and feelings is like that.
Trying to suppress, get rid, or reduce our unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories can be a trap too. On the surface it makes sense, and nobody can blame you for trying it out first. But, inevitably, something different and less logical may work better. Notice that to get out of the finger handcuffs, you have to stop struggling to get out and sit with the discomfort of feeling stuck. As Rilke states in the quote that opens this chapter, we are asking you to consider being open to all of your internal experiences. Paradoxically, becoming willing to move into this feeling of discomfort may free you from it. This can be a sticky idea for people, so this chapter is about trying to clarify how being willing can function in your life.
trying to clarify how being willing can function in your life. [Take a moment here to notice any thoughts coming up.]
That ability to sit with discomfort is what we call willingness (Hayes and Smith 2005), which is not only easier said than done, but also easier said than understood! So, we will use many examples to explain what willingness is and isn’t, including some real-life examples that you may relate to personally.
Willingness and Panic
One of our clients developed panic disorder after having been assaulted and robbed, and he started avoiding a series of situations. It first started with a panic attack that he felt came out of the blue when he was at a party a few months after the assault. Then, he became paralyzed by the fear that he might have another such panic attack and not be able to get out of the situation. That’s when he started avoiding going out at night. The avoidance gradually expanded to other situations with crowds (shopping, movies), then situations where help might not be immediately available (driving or walking in unfamiliar places). He first came to treatment one year after the panic attacks started only because his partner was concerned and wanted him to return to his usual self. His partner reported that he would refuse to go shopping or on other errands and would only drive to close locations and only if someone came with him. When he came to therapy, he was starting to become anxious whenever his partner was out of sight, and his leaving to go to work had become a grueling ritual requiring many reassurances. This situation was putting a strain on the relationship, and they wanted help.
Panic attacks are not uncommon in people who have survived trauma, and we expect that some readers will relate to this client’s predicament very well. [Are you having any bodily sensations, thoughts, or feelings as you read this?] Panics attacks are short and intense
you read this?] Panics attacks are short and intense periods of anxiety that generally involve shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness, feeling detached from your body, and feeling that you might die or go crazy. At times, the fear of having panic attacks can lead to agoraphobia, which is often characterized by a generalized fear of being in public places (APA 1994). Panic disorder with agoraphobia can be an extremely painful problem that has the potential to severely limit people in their everyday functioning. Lives can become smaller and smaller as these people try to eliminate the potential of experiencing panic or even any physiological reaction that seem to lead to panic. In fact, this disorder has been labeled “fear of fear.” These people feel that if they can just avoid this or that situation, or bring enough safe people along, the fear will go away or become tolerable. The result of these strategies is more fear, and fear about more things and more situations. We often use the analogy of this being like feeding a baby lion in the hope that he will be less menacing (Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson 1999). Every once in a while we just open the cage and quickly throw some meat in and slam the door. But, in fact, the meat only makes the cub bigger, and eventually we are facing a full-blown lion. Just like with the finger traps, the solution has become part of the problem. Trying to pull the fingers out gets one stuck more. Trying to pacify one’s fear by avoiding more situations only makes the fear bigger.
So, what is the way out? If attempting to control your thoughts, feelings, and memories is a losing battle, what is the alternative? As we discussed in the last chapter, we’ll start by putting down the shovel, letting go of the struggle, being willing.