In addition to practical preparations, Kiwi migrants also had to deal with families‘ and friends‘ emotional responses to their migration decision. Families‘ attitudes in particular made a big difference to the leaving process and impacted on migrants‘ own emotional state. This beforehand time was a period of emotional adjustment and farewells for many migrants, particularly those who intended to migrate permanently.
In migrants‘ descriptions of their families‘ reactions to their migration, there is an even split of positive and negative responses. The range and quality of these emotional responses varied greatly. Negative responses ranged from initial shock to emotional blackmail. Positive
responses ranged from disinterested acceptance to enthusiasm. Moreover a number of migrants described their families as simultaneously supportive and upset. When migrants recalled their families‘ responses they mentioned their parents‘ feelings most often, followed by siblings. Many younger migrants still lived with their parents. And older migrants with
40 John O‘Dwyer, written narrative sent to author, 1 October 2009. 41
Warwick Tidswell, written narrative sent to author, 17 August 2009.
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children found their parents were dismayed at losing access to their grandchildren. Migrants‘ parents tended to respond more negatively than siblings, who were often planning to travel themselves.
The first reason migrants‘ parents, especially mothers, responded negatively to migration was the prospect of missing their children and grandchildren. Kate Master‘s mother was upset about her daughter moving away as they were very close.43 When Peter Potaka left the Hawke‘s Bay in 1973 with his wife he was the first of his immediate family and hapu (sub tribe) to move overseas. Australia was seen as being a long way away:
PP ... Yeah, my Mum wasn‘t happy about it.
RB Did she tell you?
PP Oh yeah. ―Why do you have to go there? What‘s wrong with here?‖ You know, mothers still say that stuff.44
George Clarke‘s mother was also upset at him leaving his network of Māori family:
I think it‘s part and parcel of the close family network Māoris have. I mean in the country they always have, when you have a wedding or a funeral, everyone comes to the marae and helps out. And that has been entrenched in her [his mother] all her life. And she wanted that to continue.45
The prospect of losing regular time with grandchildren also upset migrants‘ parents. Jo Barker wrote, ‗My family were very upset initially by the decision as my son was the only English speaking grandchild – (my sister‘s children spoke only Danish at that point) and they felt Perth was a long way from NZ‘.46 Indeed a few migrants in my study were actually grandparents moving to Australia in order to be near grandchildren.
For some New Zealanders preparing to move to Australia, their parents‘ negative reactions were an extension of already damaged relationships. As with Paul‘s mother, some parents took their child‘s decision to leave as a personal affront. In these situations events could turn nasty. Jeanne Cashman‘s relationship with her mother was fraught with difficulty as her mother strongly disapproved of her Catholic boyfriend. The unhappy relationship was a
43 Master, written narrative.
44 Peter Potaka, interview by author, Wellington, New Zealand, 20 May 2010. 45
Clarke, interview.
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factor in Jeanne leaving New Zealand. When Jeanne broke the news to her mother that she was moving to Australia chaos ensued:
RB How did it go when you told your family and your Mum about moving?
JC Didn‘t go down well. In fact my last six weeks living in New Zealand were hell. I think we had a couple of episodes of Mum overdosing and things like that. But I think after the first time you go through one of those experiences as a child you get a bit immune to it. But she did hurl abuse at me and that a lot. It wasn‘t a nice place.47
Sue Neilson‘s desire to escape her father was further reinforced by his response to her migration plans:
One huge motivating factor was my father who wanted us to buy a house in Flaxmere (new suburb) and ‗settle down‘! We scarpered. He was very angry and told us to go but leave the baby behind and ‗get it out of our systems‘. We didn‘t leave the baby of course.48
Such responses were indicative of already troubled relationships and long-term familial disharmony. Abusive parental responses only strengthened migrants‘ determination to leave. Fortunately such situations were few and far between.
Parents might also be unhappy if they considered migration a poor decision on their children‘s part. For example Lesley Ngatai‘s Mum was angry that she dropped out of university to go to Australia.49 Marie Reichner‘s family disapproved of her travelling companion to Australia although they ultimately supported her:
My mother and grandparents were horrified, but mostly because they didn‘t like my boyfriend and wondered what he was dragging me to another country for. They were however kind enough to lend me $1000 as I did not really have any money to take with me.50
Valerie Jenner‘s family disapproved because ‗generally speaking Aussies were not admired by my family‘.51
Other parents felt that their children were giving up a good job or would be unable to find work in Australia.
Not only migrants‘ parents were upset; a few siblings, friends and children were dismayed by migrants‘ move to Australia. Annette Moody‘s youngest sister was ‗devastated‘ when she left: ‗She had this yellow plastic bangle and she kind of wrapped it up in some pretty paper
47 Cashman, interview.
48 Sue Neilson, written narrative sent to author, 2 November 2009. 49 Lesley Ngatai, written narrative sent to author, 4 October 2009. 50
Reichner, written narrative.
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and gave it to me and burst into tears, ―Will I ever see you again?‖‘52 Rosa Tanga‘s siblings all thought that she was ‗mad‘ and unlikely to last in Australia: ‗Most of my NZ family [6 brothers and a sister] had not been supportive of my decision to go to Australia. I think the general consensus was that I would be back before Christmas.‘53 A very small number of migrants‘ friends were negative but their opposition was generally ignored. The most difficult resistance for migrants came from their own children who were of course greatly affected by the move. Ceris Nieuwland migrated to Australia with her family when she was only three years old. Although she was too young to mind her older brother did not want to come to Australia:
My oldest brother, he was the oldest when we came over here. So I think in a way it probably would have been hardest for him because I think he was in his last stages of primary school. And so that‘s a kind of difficult age in life anyway you know. And so we came over – and he was very much into rugby in New Zealand and he had his friends and everything – so it was hard for him. I know he wasn‘t impressed about moving at all.54
For those migrating as parents it was important that their family settle happily, so unwilling children were an additional source of worry. Most families went ahead nonetheless because they believed moving to Australia would grant their children greater opportunities.
For every negative response in my sample there was a positive or accepting one. Many migrants‘ parents understood why their children were migrating. Younger migrants‘ friends had no issues as international travel was a common, even expected, rite of passage. And some children were excited rather than apprehensive about living in Australia.
Many migrants‘ parents supported their children‘s reasons for migration. Christine Reis moved to Melbourne aged 21 in 1980 with her parents‘ encouragement:
I gave it some thought and talked to Mum and Dad about it. Their response was that life in Christchurch wasn‘t exactly exciting for a young person and that I had nothing to lose. The bottom line was I had their support and that if it didn‘t work out I could always go home.55
Christine‘s father who was a jeweller made her a gold ingot as a safety net, to sell for a return fare if needed. Other parents understood that greater job opportunities in Australia were a strong incentive to move. A number of parents supported their children‘s move to Australia because they understood the desire to travel. Hayley Lambie was apprehensive about telling
52 Annette Moody, interview by author, Auckland, New Zealand, 5 November 2010. 53 Tanga, interview.
54
Ceris Nieuwland, interview by author, Perth, WA, Australi,.1 July 2010.
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her mother about moving to Perth. However, when told, Hayley‘s mother ‗said that it was all fine and that she had brought it on herself as she had always encouraged us to travel and see the world!‘56 Parents who had travelled themselves in their youth tended to be supportive. Benjamin Pittman‘s family had a long tradition of working in Australia so ‗nobody really raised an eyelid at all‘.57
In several cases parents actively encouraged their children‘s migration as they felt it was in their best interests. Shirley McNichol‘s mother persuaded her daughter to escape her abusive husband by migrating to Australia:
My mother made the decision for me to leave NZ & come to Australia. She came to me one afternoon in August 1980. Put $1000 in front of me and said, ―I want you to go to Australia and make a good life for you and your son‖. I could see the look in my mother‘s eyes that what she had just said was very important to her. It was important to her for me to listen & take her advice. She knew that if I didn‘t leave NZ I would return to my son‘s father then endure a horrible life with him again.58
When young New Zealanders were travelling to Australia for specific educational reasons their families were often proud and excited on their behalf. Mildred Royce, who moved to attend a Seventh Day Adventist university, felt a little embarrassed with so much support: ‗They were all quite proud. Actually I was embarrassed because they all wanted me to do well and go over and enjoy myself. So yeah, I found that a lot of people actually –
particularly the family – got together and donated little things like money‘.59 Many parents were able to put their own sadness at losing their children behind them and instead focus on their children‘s desires. Sally Healey remembered her mother‘s attitude fondly: ‗She was so gracious about it and said that I had to go where my husband wanted to go‘.60 This type of attitude made the leaving process much more pleasant for all involved.
In some cases, parents and other family were less upset because their children had already spent time away from home or because their relationships were more distant. For example, in the previous chapter‘s story, Frank‘s family were unperturbed about his move to Melbourne because he had already spent time in Manapouri. Stephen Walton who left New Zealand aged 21 in 1975 wrote: ‗I am not sure it was a huge impact on my parents (although they probably
56 Hayley Lambie, written narrative sent to author, 1 September 2009. 57 Pittman, interview.
58 Shirley McNicol, written narrative sent to author, 12 October 2009. 59
Royce, interview.
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missed me). I had not lived with them since I was 17 years old and I think they were used to me not being around.‘61 Parents also tended to be more accepting when they had other children or family who were already overseas. For example, Liz Brodie, who moved to Australia in 1967 as a 21 year old, recalled:
RB How did your family take it?
LB Oh they were all right. They were ok. I had one brother overseas anyway in London at that stage and my other brother had been to England and come back with an English bride. And so they were quite accustomed ... we were never tied to anyone‘s apron strings. We were all independent souls.62
Indeed a few families had been brought up to be independent. The most extreme example was Matthew Clements who came from a Christchurch family with 13 children. His parents encouraged their children to travel and ‗do our own thing.‘ As a result none of the children
live in Christchurch and only three are still in New Zealand.63 Families raised with the expectation of travel and migration found the process less emotionally difficult. Friends and siblings were usually positive about New Zealand migrants‘ plans as they understood the desire to travel. Beth Cullen wrote ‗it was the general ambition of my peers and many in my age group at that time to ‗see the world‘‘.64
Sometimes migrants‘ friends were jealous or challenged by the decision. Wikitoria Smith was in her early 30s when she left her four children behind with family in New Zealand ‗to get my act together in Oz‘. Her friends were shocked: ‗quite a few of my friends had been talking about doing it for so long while I hadn‘t, and yet I was the one going. It made them realise that they could have made it happen long ago‘.65 Elizabeth Burton migrated with her parents and brother to Australia aged 16. She recalled that her friends were envious as Australia was seen to be a more exciting place to live.66 Some friends and siblings had already travelled themselves so understood migrants‘ motives. Jennifer Cooper and her husband Bob moved to Perth so Bob could do a geology PhD. Jennifer‘s brother had just returned from doing his own PhD in Toronto and their friends also planned to travel:
61 Stephen Walton, written narrative sent to author, 10 October 2010. 62 Liz Brodie, interview by author, Sydney, NSW, Australia, 14 April 2010. 63 Podstolski and Clements, interview.
64 Beth Cullen, written narrative sent to author, 1 October 2009. 65
Wikitoria Smith, written narrative sent to author, 14 September 2009.
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Most of our friends – remember we were at university – this is what happened. People did go overseas. So it was probably more surprising if you stayed at home in some ways. I mean obviously some people went and got jobs locally. But it was a given thing that it‘s just as likely you would be going overseas.67
This attitude was a reflection of the general cultural shift during the 1960s to 1990s where an overseas experience was seen as normal, even necessary, due to affordable global travel, increased information flows, and a youth culture which valued exploration and
multiculturalism.