they have different
places."
paying off because I just feel like I learned a lot and I’m sure the guys listening in feel the same way and we’ll hear from them of course at the end. We’ll take some time for questions.
With my stomach flu I really need to have you stop mentioning Kentucky Fried Chicken. I think I’m going to lose it here.
So let’s move on to the next subject. I think that was just beautifully stated. I really couldn’t ask for anything better.
You made a point when we first sat down and started talking about this phone call and the kind of information you wanted to get out to the world. You made a real clear divide between eroticism and sensuality, and you thought that was really important for guys to understand, how they complement each other and how to put each to work.
Would you say something about that, Erwan?
Erwan: Ok, sure. I’ll touch on that and then I think, Alicia, why don’t you add to it because I know you’ve got some great things to say about this.
The bottom line is that sensuality has to do with the senses and eroticism has to do with the mind. If you look up eroticism and sensuality in the dictionary, that’s what sort of divides the two.
Now they both have their place, but they have different places. Alicia, why don’t you elaborate a little bit on that?
Alicia: Eroticism for many people is like Erwan said images, so it may be images for a certain costume or things that you like your person that you’re making out with to wear, certain ideas, or something that turns you on in your head by the thought of it.
Sensuality is actually being turned on and pleasured by what’s happening, by what you’re feeling, by what you smell and the touches and the tastes and the sights that are actually happening in the moment. They’re inherently turning you on and you feel them in your body because it’s happening right then.
Many people in their sex lives have eroticism sort of central in their sex life. So their sex life sort of depends on images or thoughts or fantasies. There’s nothing wrong with that inherently, but we’re suggesting that having that be an add-in, having that be the spice of the meal and having sensuality be the meal. Have sensuality be the foundation of your sex life.
Erwan: That’s such a key point, Grant. That’s such an incredible point, Alicia. Let me give you a specific example of that. We’ll sort of toot our own horn here for a moment, as if we haven’t enough already. [laughing]
Alicia and I have been together for almost five years now. Our sex life is better now than it’s ever been. It’s better than it was in the beginning, better than the first kiss and the first time we had sex and better than it was in that ‘honeymoon’ period.
That’s one of the benefits of having sensuality be the meal, because in the beginning of relationships between men and women…you know, we’ve worked with hundreds of couples over the years…the sex is great for everybody! It’s fantastic.
But that’s an erotic turn-on. It’s because it’s new, and then after that honeymoon period goes, which is anywhere from 3 weeks or for some people it’s like 3 minutes, but 3 weeks to 6 months…after that honeymoon period is gone, 99.5% of couples, their sex life starts to diminish radically.
That’s because they were getting their juice from the newness, the eroticism, what I’m going to call, for a Moore University term, and Neo mentioned them last week, the strangeness, the newness of it.
It’s like “Wow!” Conquering and all that kind of stuff.
But that kind of turn-on, that erotic turn-on wears down. So if sensuality is the main meal, actually what you’re feeling then, the more you attend to that, that increases…you get increasing returns versus diminishing returns.
Now once you’ve got that as the main meal, actually what you’re feeling, the physical sensations, the turn-on in the body, bodily pleasure, then definitely bring eroticism back in. It’s this incredible spice. It’s this incredible pleasure, this incredible icing on the cake. You make things kind of spicy and yummy. It’s really an incredible enhancement.
But it’s got to be based on something that’s actually real and nourishing and tangible and physical and what we call sensual.
Grant: Very nice. This is a great sort of warning for what could go wrong. Again
eroticism feels like the parallel of personality. Sensuality feels like the parallel of just being in touch with what you’re feeling without judgments or hope, and to really be there.
Erwan: Exactly, and they’re both great. They’re both great, but you just always want to have the latter stuff that you just mentioned, Grant, you always want to have that first.
Erwan: The sensuality, the feelings. It’s kind of like in a relationship with a woman…let’s use relationship as a parallel. If you’ve really got the being down and you’re really friends and you’re really connected and you’re really open and kind of like that, the turn-on’s going to come and go but the relationship’s going to last and the turn-on’s going to get better and better and better.
But if it’s based just on that kind of erotic turn-on, eventually that’s going to diminish. You’re going to think that something’s wrong and the relationship’s going to fall by the wayside.
Grant: I’d like to move to the next point, just to move the call along. We’ve got a
lot of information that we want to get all out for everybody, and then we can come back to them in the questions.
Something you talked about, and again it’s one of my favorite subjects because it really deals with fear and the boldness of self-expression…you talked about men’s resistance to being sensual, this essential first level.
Before you get to the erotic stuff, that men are resistant because of a certain kind of numbness, certain kind of anger, certain kind of fear. I’d love to hear what you have to say about that, and add in what guys can do to overcome that…in two minutes. [laughing]
It’s a great question. I just really want to hear what you have to say about that.
Erwan: You know, men are trained in this culture to not feel and it’s not ok to be sensual and it’s not ok to be erotic. That’s one of the things that I love about this call and the topic of this call. You guys are really training and opening that territory up.
The bottom line is it’s ok to be numb. It’s ok to go to war. It’s ok to dominate and to conquer. There’s certainly a place for that and there’s certainly a place for that in the bedroom. Women love that to a degree.
But it’s not ok to be erotic. It’s not ok to be sensual. It’s just not permissible. The bottom line on why it’s not permissible is because we live in a work-oriented culture. We live where it’s all about production. It’s all about getting the job done. It’s all about work. You work 50-odd hours a week out of the year the whole time. It’s not like we work half a year and then we take off half the year.
Grant: That’s nutty. I believe you told me originally that you’re originally French
or of French lineage?
Erwan: That’s right.
Grant: This is all making sense now. [laughing] Erwan: [laughing] The food analogy…