Concepción de la pareja

Para estos padres primerizos la pareja es una sociedad y como tal deben compartirlo todo, y en los casos en que sienten que sus esposas no están compartiendo esta visión de lo que debe ser una pareja, se sienten perdidos, preocupados, sin saber que hacer y con dudas sobre si seguir casados con ellas o no.

(…)I've been married for 2 years now and I'm of the school that believes marriage is a partnership. That there are no separate issues, when my wife is stressed out then I'm stressed out with her and vice versa. My wife however, has always told me that she believes there has to be a separation, and that she doesn't feel we need to share everything. This goes against everything I believe a marriage should be, and we have almost gotten divorced over it in the past. I found her keeping things from me in a way that I felt was deceitful. (…)

But I just don't know if I can be married to someone that I can't communicate with because she will always keep herself separate from me and never give herself fully to the marriage in the way I believe marriage is supposed to work. (…) (Adam).

(…) Marriage is definitely a partnership. Unfortunately, as with all partnerships, if there is only one party being fully involved, things won't work out the way they need to. If I found myself in this position, I think I would have to find a way to get through to my wife and have her really assess how she's feeling about things.

(…) I knew a husband-wife team once that after more than a decade of marriage still kept bills and banking and finance and decisions about work and careers separate. It wasn't much of a marriage or a partnership, IMO. (…) (Sam).

Para algunos aunque es una sociedad e implica un compromiso hay que definir límites y expectativas y no hay que dejar que los demás interfieran, hay que filtrar lo que dicen, tomar lo útil y desechar lo que pueda dañar al matrimonio, a la pareja, el compromiso principal es con tu pareja y con tu hijo/a.

It's a compromise. Keep in mind, that compromise doesn't mean meeting half way. It means meeting somewhere. So, you two need to find how marriage works for the two of you! (…) (Tom).

(…) I too come from the school of thought that a marriage is a partnership. But I believe that the people in the relationship should define the boundaries and expectations of their relationship. Your MIL may have whatever opinions she wants to have and she may even have the right to express some of them to her daughter. BUT, I believe your wife should filter any outside voice and respect the relationship that the two have committed to. Be it her mother, her father, her siblings or friends, her first reponsibility is to you and your children.

If people allow others outside of their marriage to dicate how the marriage should be, then what is the sense of having a marriage? (Sahib).

En los casos en que se percibe que otras personas ajenas a la pareja están influyendo negativamente en ella, estos hombres se enfadan muchísimo y llegan a considerar la posibilidad de terminar con su relación, de divorciarse.

En este ejemplo este padre se muestra muy enfadado porque culpa a la suegra de que su esposa se haya distanciado de él al decirle que él debía resolver sus propios asuntos, que ella ya tenía suficiente con los suyos. Cree que la suegra ha estado saboteando su matrimonio, aunque no intencionalmente.

(…) In fact I have been very upset about it. I did what I felt I had to and discussed it with my wife. I found recently that she had told her mother of what was going on with me and her mother's response was "Don't go taking on his issues, you have enough on your plate." This made me very upset. I have worked very hard over the last two years coming up with some sort of compromise from what I believe and what my wife believes, and now I find that it is my mother-in-law who has been encouraging her to keep herself distanced and separate.

I don't know what to do because I love my mother-in-law (I'm very lucky that way) and I know she isn't intentionally trying to sabotage things. But I just don't know if I can be married to someone that I can't communicate with because she will always keep herself separate from me and never give herself fully to the marriage in the way I believe marriage is supposed to work. (…) (Adam).

Estos padres muestran su solidaridad con el padre del ejemplo anterior y señalan lo enfadados que estarían si les pasara lo mismo y los deseos que tendrían de “pararle los pies” a la suegra lo antes posible.

If my M-I-L was instigating this type of behavior in my wife, I'd find the best way of quashing it. (…) (Sam).

(…) Regarding her mother, I'd be kind of pissed, to be honest. I'm not the type to say something but I would make myself more distant. Sabotage, whether intentional, or not, is still sabotage. (..) (Tom).

Además de considerar a la pareja como una sociedad, consideran que su papel como esposos es cubrir todas las necesidades de su esposa y se sienten preocupados, tristes y avergonzados cuando por motivo de trabajo o estudio sienten que no pueden lograrlo.

(…) I think as a good partner I need to meet her every need but is this realistic as a student and worker? (…) (Blake).

Por otra parte, consideran que como pareja deben trabajar en equipo para resolver las diferentes situaciones que se les van presentando durante el embarazo y después del parto. Una de estas situaciones es la elección del nombre del bebé.

You can make bets to determine who gets to pick names (…), though it's good to work through it together. (…) (Marc)

Y otra la crianza de los hijos en general, ya que consideran que criar a un hijo/a es mucho trabajo y que requiere un trabajo colaborativo entre padre y madre.

(…) It's definetely a lot of work, but I think most of the time we make it kinda fun. I work nights sometimes and those nights are pretty trying for her to get both of them bathed and fed, teeth brushed, in bed...yada yada. When I am there it certainly makes it more easy, we almost have it down to a science and if all goes well we have a couple hours at the end of the night to just sit on the couch and talk or watch some TV. (…) (Auto33).

Es interesante como para estos padres la comunicación es la herramienta fundamental para resolver los problemas de pareja y los posibles problemas o malentendidos que puedan presentarse con la familia política, especialmente la suegra. Consideran que deben comunicarse con su pareja y expresar lo que sienten aún cuando en un momento dado eso

pueda generar una pelea, que no es bueno callarse las cosas y guardárselas para ellos solos, que deben comunicarse con su esposa porque es la mejor vía para resolver los problemas, conflictos, tensiones o malentendidos que puedan surgir producto de las dificultades para adaptarse a los cambios que implica tener el primer hijo/a y de las diferentes visiones que pueda haber entre ellos sobre cómo resolver las diversas situaciones que se les van presentando durante el embarazo y luego del nacimiento del bebé.

The best advice I can give regarding your first dillemma is to keep the lines of communication open. Express to your wife how this is making you feel, but try not to take it personally if she'd rather talk to others about certain things, sometimes it's just easier that way. (…) (wixxter).

(…) But the only thing that I can recommend is communication with each other. (…) (Sahib).

(…) How much have you and your wife talked about 'you' [the two of you] being a team through the parenting process? If you have talked much about it at all, I would suggest your MIL's actions are heading toward negating those discussions entirely, unless you put a stop to your wife digesting the information. I would definitely do some talking to your wife about it, and possibly your MIL. (…)

I see separation as a 'solution' only when all other avenues have been exhausted. If you get on with your MIL, it sounds like you have plenty of avenues to explore yet. You just need to work out boundaries, places, expectations and needs for each person. Your MIL might, for instance, say she needs to know her daughter is safe. This is fine and understandable, but if she goes about this the wrong way, she'll destroy her daughter's marriage. How safe is she then? (…) (Richard).

(…) You and your wife need to communicate. (…) (Sam).

(…) My opinion, talk it over with your wife and ask her what she thought of her mother's advice knowing what the two of you have been working on over the years. You should certainly tell her that you feel her mother's not helping. It's probably gonna cause a fight. (…) (Tom).

(…) You can't tell her that she can't have it. But, you can tell her that that particular piece of advice is not gonna swim in this river. (…) (Tom).

Muchas veces los padres expresan su enfado, rabia e incluso deseos de venganza sobre cosas de las que no han hablado directa y abiertamente con sus esposas por lo cual otros compañeros del grupo sugieren comunicarse con ellas y expresarles lo que sienten.

I am a fairly new dad, with our son having been home for a month and a few days. Couldn't have asked for a more beautiful, and well- behaved son. Keeps mom up through all hours of the night, I am lucky though, she lets me sleep through the late night feedings. Strange that I am up at such an hour writing this though, huh?

Does anybody else have the problem of having a wife that is very short-tempered, needs everything done at a snap of her fingers and figures she can spend money like it grows on trees? Of course, with exception to the money spending, a lot of it is attributed to the baby. I am OK with some of it and am trying to adjust to the rest of it. The money spending drives me crazy, as she knows that I will let her get whatever she wants and I never really say anything about it. From my figures a few minutes ago, with baby pictures (which I agree are important), frames, scrapbooking stuff and what not, that $700 in a little over a month from savings. Now, this is the same savings that we are supposed to be keeping aside for a move and a job change. Not to mention, she hasn't had a job since April and is trying to get out of getting one when we get to our new location.

This comes from the woman that won't let me buy an $18.99 video game, saying we just don't have the money.

Oh, another thing, does anybody else have a wife that feels that if a trip isn't found to be necessary in her eyes, she'll fight you tooth and nail the whole way? Went sight seeing last weekend and she made it out to be horrible, and yes I know it was hot for baby, but she sure could've made more of an effort. Tomorrow (which is now today) we were supposed to go see some more stuff, but she says that with hour and a half feedings, she doesn't know how practical the trip is. Well, I now have decided that we aren't going to go...she was gone for a year from me at a job in Oregon and now that I want to go see stuff, she doesn't want to... Just makes it easier to go without than to go...

I find myself close to my wits end... I haven't ever really been one for confrontation, but think I need to start to learn. Not cool leaving these things bottled in. Don't think I would ever do anything with my feelings but attempt to tell her how I feel.

Just wanted to vent!! Oh, and of course, the $300 - $500 I am going to take from my credit card to spend on myself later today probably won't hurt either... (sjmielitz).

Otro ejemplo:

I've had this post all ready to go four times now, but couldn't hit send for one reason or another.

The wife and I have hit a patch of trouble. I've always belived that during the first five years of a child's life they need their Mother more than anyone else. And I've tried to always give my wife everything she needs to be happy, and I make sure that if I can give her what she wants I do. But now is the issue. I work from 7am - 3:30pm and she's decided that she wants to go back to work from 4pm - 12am. This isn't working out for us. I don't sleep until she's home, and being the only one home with a fussy child can drive you to drink (which I gave up on her request). I don't know what do to anymore. I try my best but I'm only human. Since the baby was born we had the wonderful 6 weeks together, but now I only see her for 15 minutes in the morning, and maybe 5 minutes at night when she gets home. The weekends are usually full with Grandparents showing up, people to go visit, trips to the mall. I want to spend time with my wife and kid ONLY. But there is never enough time, and it seems there is always someone around.

Last night was the worst night we've had since we've been married. Gabriel was fussy from 5pm - 10pm and I don't get enough sleep as it is so my last nerve was gone. I can't get mad at him, and I do everything in my power not to and I usually don't. If I do I just set him down (crying he poor little head off) and walk away for a breather. Not more than 5 minutes mind you. But two months ago I signed up for a Golf Tourny at work. I asked if she'd not be working so that we could make a family day of it (all the people I work with love her and Gabriel) and she said that she would have the weekends off. Well, yesterday I found out that she has to work. I asked her why she agreed when we already had plans. Well, her boss is very manipulative. She gave up her Kids first years for her job, and now she expects my wife to do the same. So once again I'm the one giving up things to make her happy. I can't do it anymore. I've got nothing left to give. My friends have stopped calling, or returning my calls, I get up at 5am and go to sleep at 1am, I'm in danger of

losing my job because I'm more concerned with what needs to be done at home. I'm at the end of my rope.

Now, don't take this post as a "If I don't get what I want, I'll leave her" type of post. Because I won't. This is just a rough spot, not the end. Her and I will make this work we love each other, we just don't have the time to talk most of this out. I've told her that I'm willing to compromise, and for her to be able to work still. I asked if she would be ok with three days a week, four hours a day. That way she can still work, and I can still have more time with her at night (2:30pm - 6:30pm). But I know her boss will try to manipulate her out of it. And I told her my concern. She said that if it comes to that then she will have to quit because her Husband is more important than her job.

I just can't win anymore. If she quits she'll resent me. If she keeps working late nights and odd weekends, I'll resent her. I've found the middle ground, but now its up to her to put her foot down with her boss.

Any advice oh Guru's of fatherhood. Well, this is a general marrage question really, but the combined experience of all of you is more than me. And I really need an outside view on my thoughts and actions.

Thanks guys. (Luke).