Roles de género

En este grupo al prevalecer el modelo de familia tradicional prevalecen también los roles de género tradicionales. El hombre tiene el rol de proveedor y la mujer el de ama de casa. En esta distribución de roles el hombre lleva la carga del sustento de la familia y la mujer la del cuidado de la casa y los hijos.

Para estos padres primerizos, a pesar de estar convencidos de que el modelo de familia tradicional, y por tanto, una distribución de roles de género también tradicional, es el mejor modelo a seguir cuando se tienen hijos, el hecho de ser el único proveedor de la familia les genera una fuerte hiperresponsabilidad por el cuidado y el bienestar de la familia, al tener sobre sus hombros toda la responsabilidad de su sustento económico, sobre todo en una sociedad donde no existe un sistema de seguridad social ni ningún tipo de ayuda por parte de la administración cuando se tienen hijos pequeños y/o pocos ingresos. Esto es algo que les genera mucha ansiedad, angustia, tensión, estrés, cansancio, insomnio… que se acompaña por una gran preocupación por poder obtener esos ingresos, y más aún, una gran preocupación e incluso temor por no poder generar ingresos suficientes para cubrir todos los gastos de la familia, que la familia (esposa e hijos) pasen penurias por su culpa y por tener poco tiempo para estar con la esposa y el hijo/a.

(…) I also know that my life as it was is over. I need to start looking for a bigger and better apartment, in a better neighborhood. I have to possibly get a

second job.

All of which I am happy to do, for my wife and my future child. It's just a lot on my mind right now. (Wayne).

(…) I ended up pushing myself to exhaustion because I was trying to do everything for my wife and child. I would force food down because I knew I needed to and to hide the fact from my wife. That was the wrong way to handle it. Eventually, I had a little emotional breakdown and a good cry while rocking my daughter to sleep and my wife caught me. This was probably for the best because at that point, we were able to discuss how each of us was feeling. (…) (Tony).

(…) I am mostly concerned about finances. prior to the pregnancy and still now I am working three jobs just to keep up with the finances. Any suggestions on how to still pay the bills and manage enough time for my new baby and my wife? (Shelton).

Estos hombres al saber que serán padres por primera vez se plantean cambios en su vida laboral, en algunos casos para poder obtener más ingresos y poder mantener mejor a la familia, y en otros para poder pasar más tiempo con la familia.

Por ejemplo, este padre se plantea cambiar de trabajo al saber que será padre para no tener que viajar tanto, no quiere ser un padre ausente.

(…) Now, not only the usual "Oh my gosh, I'm going to be a dad!" thoughts are going through my head. I'm excited about all that jazz and will have ample time to prepare (I could be naive about this, but these are not the pressing issues running through my head).

Of course, finances become a huge issue for any couple once they find out they are going to become parents. I've run the numbers, and I know my wife and I will be ok (again, naivety mya come into play, but that's not pressing).

My biggest concern, and it took a long time to get to, is that I am in a career that causes me to travel for a good portion of the year, about 10 work days (overnights) a month, 4-7 weekends a year (for trade shows). I've been with my current company for over 2 and ½ years, and they are fantastic to work for. It's a small manufacturing company, family owned, that cares about their employees (not very commonplace in this day and age). My quandry is this: My wife and I, although we don't like being away from each other, have become accustomed to my need to travel for work. Now, with the baby on the way, I'm already having issues leaving my wife for extended periods (most trips are for a full week). How am I going to do it when the baby's born?! The question come down to this: Do I leave my current position (where I've made a name for myself and get treated well and have become what seems like part of an extended family) for another that's comparable (salary-wise, but probably not with the same intangibles) or do I suck it up for a few years until I am able to reach a position in the company where I'm not traveling as much? I don't want to be an absent father. Is it better to travel while the child is younger so that I'm not missing school activities/helping with homework/football games? That's where I need the advice. (…) (Dave).

Este padre también resalta la importancia de estar cerca de la esposa y el bebé para poder ayudarlos en lo que haga falta y para poder formar parte de todo lo que vaya ocurriendo en sus vidas.

There is much you will miss being gone 25% of the time. Not only that, but your wife will probably need you more than she will ever say so. It's good to be around for her on those tough days and nights. (…) (Sam).

Además, le sugieren al compañero de grupo hablar con sus empleadores actuales e intentar encontrar una actividad dentro de la empresa que no implique viajar tanto y así no tener que cambiar de empresa considerando que en la que está actualmente le va muy bien.

(…) Maybe your employer will appreciate all that you have done for them and bring on a Junior sales rep who can do the bulk of the travel during tradeshow season? Then you could be the sales manager... ;) (Sam).

(…) I think if this small company really respects you and thinks you're a smart, dependable asset to the company, they should be willing to find a local position or a way that you can drastically cut back your travel time - if the choice is you as an employee (with your 2 1/2 years experience with the company) or your replacement (that they would have to hire and train) they might just choose you in a slightly different capacity, or allow your work to be done remotely... I don't know what you do, so I can't say for sure, but this has been my experience anyway. Companies really don't want to hire someone new - it's a pain in the ass and folks are usually willing to bend a bit if it means they can avoid that. (Alec).

Otros padres hablan de la necesidad de no trabajar más tiempo del necesario por el que están contratados aunque haya presión social para ello, para poder disfrutar más tiempo con la familia (esposa e hijo/a), para poder atender adecuadamente su vida familiar que para

ellos es tan importante como su vida laboral, cosa que según su opinión no suele tenerse en cuenta en el caso de los hombres pero sí en el caso de las mujeres. En este sentido, se sienten discriminados y desean recibir las mismas consideraciones que reciben las mujeres para poder atender sus necesidades familiares.

This is my own little rant about flexibility, that I thought folks here might find interesting.. I know not everyone has the freedom to request more out of their jobs, but you never know...

There have been a number of studies out there that have asked men if they could work less with pay cut, and still maintain the same level of respect and responsibility, would they do it? Some large percentage of dads said "yes!" but according to another study of what dad's actually DO:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=50384 they don't really follow through with what they WANT. I think this is because of peer pressure in the workplace but also pressure that men put on themselves - thinking that if they ask for flexibility they will appear as a slacker or something. I think this is all crap.

For years I worked for a big software company (AOL) - I worked early hours (8am to 5pm) while everyone else worked crazy long hours (9am to 9pm sometimes) - I absolutely refused to work more than my 40 hours. But at the same time I worked hard during those 40 hours, was very passionate about the product we were working on.

As long as I did the work that I said I would do, nobody questioned my "short" hours. After a few years, me and another guy became the technical leads of the product. He worked until 9, sometimes weekends. I didn't. I asked him on multiple occasions why he worked so late ... "I've just got so much to do, I have to!" - but we had the same boss, worked on the same team, had the same role! I simply said "No" when more work was piled on me – I said "I don't have time, my plate is full" - while he would say "absolutely!

I'll have it ready by tomorrow!" And usually he did have it ready by tomorrow, he was very good. But most of the time, the work we were given didn't have to be ready by tomorrow. It had to be ready in a week, or a month. The fact is, I didn't promise something would be done the next day, and so it wasn't like I was under-delivering. I worked hard... but just for 40 hours/week.

Now in the long run, he might have been paid a little more than me - but we were always promoted around the same time, so we almost always shared the same job title. Maybe he made 10% more salary than me - he certainly worked 50% more than I did.. but what do I care? I was happy with what I was paid and in terms of dollars-per-hour I was probably ahead! He had no life. I checked out at 5 and went home.

Anyway, I just think that it's not always obvious that you can be as flexible as you want to be but a big part of it is setting and meeting expectations. I make a point of under promising (I'll have that analysis done in a week!) and over delivering (finishing it in 3 days) - never mind that some joker has worked 16 hour days and done three analysises in that time... if we're paid more or less the same who cares? (Alec).

I totally agree with what you're saying. My current boss has been one of the coolest people I've ever worked for.

Time off for the doctor appointments? Done and paid. Time off when my son was born, Done and paid. Switch hours so I can spend more time in the afternoon with my son, Done. Off early to take the wife to work, Done and paid.

He is a big believer in equality in the workforce. He understands on one side that women need time off to take care of children, and they usually get it. But he extends that same offer to us guys. Which is cool. He says it is because when he worked for Big Pharma (Starts with M, ends with erc) his son was born three months premature. And they wouldn't let him take any 'extra' time off to be with him in the hospital. So he promised himself that if he was ever in the position to grant leave to guys to take care of children he

would do it. And it really has been helpful to me. My wife's OB/GYN remarked near the end that I was one of a handful of husbands that didn't miss one appointment with their wife. And I'm proud of the fact that I was there through everything. Well, I guess that now that I've typed all that out it really is a tangent of what you're saying. But my schedule is from 7am - 3:30pm. At 3:30pm I'm out the door. I leave my laptop at work during the week, and hardly take it home on the weekend because that is my time with my family. And so another person may have a bigger paycheck than I, but my bills are paid and I know my family. And really, what more is there to life than family? (Luke)

I totally agree. My former boss was like your co-worker. Not paid very well to be the director of client support, yet every time they piled more work on her, she said 'OK'. She worked well into the night and took work home with her. I on the other hand work 40 hours per week. I'm in the office early, I take lunch at my desk, I get my required work done and I go home early.

I still get max raises. I still get promotions. I just don't see the point in doing work they don't pay me to do. (Sam)

Este padre incluso se aventura a decir que los padres que trabajan más horas de las necesarias lo hacen porque tienen problemas en casa que evaden a través de su alta dedicación al trabajo.

One needs to be wise with time, you know...

If we desire to have children that will have adequate and all round development, we need to spend time with them. Where are we going to have the time if we work from 8am to 9pm?

For me, most of these 'workaholics' actually have family issues that does not make being at home attractive to them. Hence, they spend an 'eternity' at work, daily.

As a challenge let us go all out to cultivate a home that is 'heaven on earth'. Shalom! (Lolu).

Al pasar a vivir de dos ingresos a un solo ingreso una de las consecuencias más inmediatas es no poder tener el mismo nivel de vida que se tenía antes, tener que ahorrar más, gastar sólo en lo indispensable, gastar los ahorros, adquirir más deudas… todo lo cual genera mucha preocupación en el padre proveedor, mucha ansiedad por no saber si será capaz o no de mantener a la familia, ya que ahora tanto la esposa como el hijo/a y sí mismo dependen sólo de él para alimentarse y cubrir el resto de sus necesidades básicas (casa, ropa…) y además, cualquier otro gasto. Gastos que antes eran normales ahoran pasan a hacer gastos superfluos, sólo lo indispensable entra en el presupuesto. Y lo más importante es que no sólo los ingresos sino toda la administración de los mismos pasa a recaer sólo en el padre, quien comienza de repente a tener una gran carga sobre sus hombros, carga que antes compartía con la esposa y que ahora debe asumir él solo.

(…) the biggest problem we're facing at the moment is income. (…) the cost of living here is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. So expensive, in fact, that it's nigh impossible to live on one income. Well, we're trying the impossible.

My wife is a breastfeeding stay-at-home-mom (…) all the bills and expenses are draining our meager savings faster than we anticipated, despite tightening our budget to the point where we're diminishing our quality of life. (mmorpgplayer2003)

It's interesting to see and share with other fathers that the financial aspect of being a one income (or even two income) family can be a bit overwhelming. (Auto 33)

(…) Now, our bills definitely outweigh my income and that’s BEFORE the baby comes when our bills are going to go up. Yee-haw. (…) (Craig II).

Por otra parte, el hecho de que la esposa deje de trabajar y pasar de una familia de dos ingresos a una familia de un solo ingreso con una distribución de roles tradicional también genera problemas de relación del hombre con su pareja, surgen tensiones y reclamos mutuos ya que los hombres se sienten incomprendidos y tratados injustamente y sienten que sus esposas no aprecian todo el esfuerzo que están realizando para mantener a la familia. Sienten que las esposas les exigen demasiado, que no aprecian ni su esfuerzo ni su sacrificio y que no valoran todo lo que ellos han sacrificado por el bienestar de la familia. Esto les genera mucha rabia, frustración y una gran sensación de injusticia.

I married the girl of my dreams but she is driving me nuts. I work my tail off so we can live in a nice, big house in a safe area. At first, I was kind of distant trying to still do some of my own things. Then, I started getting it and stopped going hunting as much and spent more time with the family but it's still not good enough. Example, I work a fire schedule, I used to come home from work and go hunting for 2 or 3 days everytime I had a four day. Now, I go out shooting for 4 hours during my four day and she's pissed. I never used to help clean. Now I clean, do dishes and do laundry whenever I'm home. Not good enough because she does it all the time, per my wife. (…)Oh yeah, that's my fault too because I don't find her attractive anymore. Get this, I've had a crush on her for 18 years since we were 11 years old. She's my girl!! I'm trying to do more and I've been being a better father and I thought husband but I don't know. (…) (m57gonefishing).

(…) I'm doing lots of little extras for my wife, especially since there are so many things she can't do while pregnant. In my mind, I sometimes feel as though I am living to work not working to live. During the day I go to work and earn money to keep our household running. I'm not spending a cent on myself since we're trying to save for the time when we have to drop to a single income. So I'm working for no gratification. In the evenings and weekends, I work to do for my wife what she can't do, and she also gives me no gratification - by that I mean she doesn't appear to appreciate any extra things I do. I'm sure she does, but unless she says something about it, it's hard to believe it all the time, especially when my mind is getting more and more low. (…) (Richard)

Además, resienten que la esposa no comprenda que con su nueva situación económica no pueden continuar teniendo el mismo nivel de gastos que tenían antes sino que deben ser más ahorrativos y gastar lo mínimo indispensable y eliminar los gastos superfluos, y por otra parte, exigen que sus esposas cumplan perfectamente con su rol de amas de casa, que les tengan la cena preparada y servida al llegar del trabajo, que mantengan la casa limpia y a los

niños bien atendidos y bien alimentados, y si sienten que sus esposas no están cumpliendo con su nuevo rol adecuadamente se enfadan porque consideran que ellos están cumpliendo su parte del trato pero que sus esposas no, que ellos están haciendo un gran esfuerzo y sacrificio para mantener a la familia, y en cambio, sus esposas no están haciendo un esfuerzo y sacrificio equivalente para ser buenas amas de casa.

That is one of the things that kinda gets me going with my wife. None of her friends are stay at home moms...they all worked. But my wife acts like everyone does it. She just doesn't understand why I stress not being wasteful, or keeping the lights out, turning up the thermostats, looking for sales or good deals and just buying things we absolutely need. We are fortunate to be able to afford for her to stay at home. (…)

Now, the initial plan was for my wife to go back to work but before the baby came, All I